Meet your dad at 31

For the past few days, I can’t seem to stop thinking about my most recent life events. Haven’t had much sleep, can’t really focus on work nor enjoy my even most enjoyable life perks. And even though I usually always have the magic switch of being able to turn on and off life’s distracting events, I guess shock would still be the right word. It’s shock in a good way though this time around.

All my life I haven’t known who my father was. My mother referenced him here & there, but he was never known and I was too careless to push it. I figured like most growing up w/out a dad, that if he really cared, he would have been there. But at the age of 26, my mother decided for whatever reason she would give me the info I would need to look him up.

I decided that lack of healthy father/daughter relationship growing up had already crippled me in so many ways I couldn’t count them. Why now at this point, should I take up an already busy schedule and anymore of my time on something I considered almost a past issue? Maybe one day, when my life is simpler I thought.

Well...I guess timing is everything as they say and almost 4 yrs later the event has unfolded. I just reconnected with a friend whom had recently started a relationship with her father at a grown age. She has children as well, and of course that is somewhat of an incentive. My mother has been in the hospital for many months and her imortality seems frail. She also asked me if I had ever tried to contact him. With all the father thoughts swirling in my mind, it’s not shocking that while fiddling on the internet, I looked his name up on a people search.

So what the hell, I thought. Let me push this button before me and if there’s no result, I can finally close this unanswered chapter in my life. While I still had the courage, I rushed without allowing myself to think too much, put the letter together and out into the mail...not expecting anything nor really caring.

Low and behold only one day passed and I received a phone call from the man that knew it was very well possible that I was his daughter. It’s not the type of phone call you get every day, nor the conversation you would have. I have since gathered alot of what I felt that I needed to know and was welcomed by him and his wife into their family. I was sent pictures of him and other family members (including a brother) and must admit for a few days, I felt a completeness that I had never known before. I knew that there really wasn’t a better conclusion I could’ve asked for. But I know that is only the beginning and while my friend encouraged me by saying I could shut the door at any time, I know that is easier said than done once the box has been opened.

So while I plan on still surging ahead, visiting and leaving myself open to more of life’s possibilities (aren’t I getting a little too old for those! ;), I also must admit that I’m totally scared of this unknown territory and what it will mean for my life. I also can never be certain that this man (although we do seem to resemble each other) is in fact my biological father. Do I ask for a DNA test even though he seems to feel comfortable without one and my mother was so confident with her presentation? Do I just welcome a new family into my life regardless, knowing that this will be the only and last time I seek out any father in my life, regardless of whether he is genetically mine or not?

As usual, life is always bittersweet. There are the moments of happiness, surprise and excitement. But there are also always doubts, fears and moments of uneasiness with life’s inevitable winds of change.