Symptoms of Menopause, Perimenopause, & Jabba The Hutt Syndrome

We can blame it all on that greedy damn Eve.  She just had to have that apple (or was it quince?)  Anyhoo... it wasn’t like she found an éclair tree in the Garden of Eden or a diamond tree or a martini tree she just couldn’t resist.  It was an APPLE tree.   Thanks to her, we have menstrual cycles and periods, and what we Ungirdled Women have come to learn is even worse than periods:  the shutting down of our menstrual cycles, otherwise known as perimenopause and menopause. 

In trying to learn more about the condition so many of us are going through, I did a little online research.  I came across this list of “35 Symptoms Of Menopause” from Project AWARE (Association of Women for the Advancement of Research and Education). I found I could check off 26 of the 35 AND add  few more symptoms AWARE failed to mention that friends and I have experienced. 

AWARE's List:

1.  Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling

2.  Irregular heart beat

3.  Irritability

4.  Mood swings, sudden tears

5.  Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)

6.  Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles

7.  Loss of libido (Suzanne Somers calls this Men on pause.)

8.  Dry vagina

9.  Crashing fatigue

10.  Anxiety, feeling ill at ease

11.  Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom

12.  Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion

13.  Disturbing memory lapses

14.  Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence

15.  Itchy, crawly skin

16.  Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons

17.  Increased tension in muscles

18.  Breast tenderness

19.  Headache change: increase or decrease

20.  Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea

21.  Sudden bouts of bloat

22.  Depression

23.  Exacerbation of existing conditions

24.  Increase in allergies

25.  Weight gain

26.  Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair

27.  Dizziness, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance

28.  Changes in body odor

29.  Electric shock sensation under the skin and in the head

30.  Tingling in the extremities

31.  Gum problems, increased bleeding

32.  Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor

33.  Osteoporosis (after several years)

34.  Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier

35.  Tinnitus: ringing in ears, bells, 'whooshing,' buzzing etc.

Here are a few other symptoms my friends and I have experienced and perhaps you, too?:

36.  You find yourself dialing every phone number you see on bumper stickers that read, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-???-????" to report just how REALLY SUCKY the driving is!!!!!!

37.  Everyone around you has a really bad attitude problem

38.  You find  Brad Pitt's appeal has nothing on that of carbohydrates and can not stop eating Stacy’s Simply Naked Pita Chips

39.  Intense desire to taser those who say to think of hot flashes as “power surges.”  I suppose that means we are to think of the weight gain as “an accumulation of assets,” or in my case, just plain ASS

40.  Front bush loses foliage, back porch gains vegetation

41.  Neck and chin merge into one area, making you think Return of the Jedi character Jabba The Hutt was NOT a robotic film studio creation but an actual woman in deep perimenopause.

Evelyn, is that you?

42.  Special storage shed is now required to house your facial landscaping tools.

43.  Hair on your head becomes the texture of a straw broom.  (The good news, though, is the hair growing out of your nose, over your lip and from your chin is baby soft!)

44.  New, sudden interest in small firearms

45.  You find the quickest way to a smaller waistline is to lift up your breasts.

I think sharing is key.  I know it makes me feel a little better knowing that becoming a big, hot, mad, hairy mess is normal and I am not alone.  Maybe we should make lemon martinis out of lemons by buying lottery tickets with the numbers that correspond with the particular symptoms we are experiencing and see what happens!  (Granted, some of us will have to buy several lottery tickets to make use of all our numbers!)

Please feel free to add you own symptoms as a comment below!