Middle Age Has Turned Me Into A Real Mother Plucker!

(Just a warning – you may find the following post, like getting older, disgusting, so put your big girl/grandma panties on before reading further.)

Like many women, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve developed a newfound love for gardening and landscaping.  This love of landscaping, however, does not include the pruning I must now do to my face.  These days, I actually have to drag out as many tools to prune my face as I do my yard.  I hear the same story from so many girlfriends.  We have wild eyebrows, CHIN hairs, MUSTACHE hair, gray hairs, hairs coming out of our noses and even OTHER places hair really SHOULD NOT BE!  Mother Nature, I have a question for you re: the changes that occur with body hair at middle age:  Why must I become a Chia Pet?

While talking with friends about this hair phenomenon a while back, one alerted me to the fact that many middle aged women begin to get hair, let’s just say, in the area plumbers most like to show off while working under your sink.  I couldn’t believe it, but a second friend verified it!  The first friend had found Mother Nature’s latest gift while showering. She was shocked and confused, as no one had warned her that “grass” might suddenly sprout in her “backyard.”  Consequently, she was seriously afraid her new green tea shampoo had been acting as a sort of Miracle Grow in that area.  I am alerting you to this possibility, in case you have not yet heard about it, to perhaps spare you the same shock she endured.

After covering middle-aged women “sprouting grass in their backyards,” my friends and I discussed the fact that the “front lawn” seems to get more and more sparse, so to speak, as we age.  We wondered why that was.  Shortly thereafter, I got my answer during a special episode of Oprah which featured a panel of gynecologists answering questions audience members were afraid to ask their own gynies.  (Why the women were afraid to ask their own doctors but not afraid to ask strangers on nationwide TV was a bit puzzling, but I was happy to get the information, nonetheless.)

While no one asked why the backyard suddenly started sprouting grass (I guess these women had a little modesty), one woman DID ask the panel why the front yard thins out as we age. One of the experts said Mother Nature causes us to grow thick front lawns in our youth so that we'll trap pheromones there to attract the opposite sex for mating purposes.

This was interesting to me, because I like to know WHY things occur, the purpose of Mother Nature's designs.  For instance, I know we have eyebrows above our eyes to keep sweat from dripping in them, and we have hair in our noses to keep dirt and dust from entering our lungs. Oprah’s expert went on to explain that our front yards thin as we age, because we no longer need to trap pheromones there.  In other words, Mother Nature feels OUR EGGS ARE TOO FLIPPIN’ OLD TO BE WORTHY OF ANYONE PAYING ATTENTION TO THAT AREA!!   So, I guess that also answered my question about why many of us get MUSTACHES and a crop of “backyard” hair.  Mother Nature obviously wants to MAKE SURE we’ll be too unattractive (and smelly?) for anyone to have any desire to mate with us!! 

Well, Mother Nature, I’ve got news for you, it’s going to take A LOT more than hair there, there and even THERE to put off most men and husbands I know.  So, if God is in charge of sex drive, he trumps your evil (probably hair-free) behind!  So there!  (Dear Lord, you should know that if you happen to be the one in charge of vanity, this mother plucker will probably be meeting you at the Pearly Gates with tweezers, depilatory cream or "personal hair trimmer" in hand thanks to that mean, mean wench!)