Kickin' It Like Tae-Bo: The Single Life

Let me start by saying that I’m no wild and crazy party girl like in the olden days of college. I like to go out, have a good time—good CLEAN fun, and go home. Long gone are the days of puking in the bushes on my friend’s lawn, in a trash can made of mesh, or even huggin’ the toilet at the break of dawn. No way. I am way too grown and sexy for anymore of that nonsense.

So, I am making an agreement with myself to be a bit more discriminating about the places I choose to socialize in and the people I choose to socialize with. Case in point, I went out last weekend with the intentions to low-key kick it at a birthday party of someone I vaguely know. Instead, I ended up at some mainstream, radio promoted, wack-a-doo filled juke joint. Well, it wasn’t exactly a “juke-joint” let’s just say it wasn’t my preference. Anyhow, so I gave my number to some Jamaican dude, just so he’d get out of my face in a hurry (he was very persistent—red flag #1).  At the time, I knew I never had any intentions of seeing or talking to this guy again.

I should have known he wouldn’t know how to take the hint and lose my number after several unreturned calls and text messages. This dude went way overboard with what I can only guess was an exasperated attempt for attention. I was suffering with the usual summertime induced insomnia, when at around 5am I get a video text message. There appeared to be a large sum of money, $100 dollar bills to be exact, spread all over the place. Now, I’m not talking about someone’s chump paycheck that had just been cashed. I can’t guess how much, real or fake, I’m just saying it looked suspicious to me. About 10-15 minutes after that, I get another text that said, “I’ve got big $ and a big d___ (you fill in the blank), what’s up?!” To my surprise, there was a picture attachment of an unusually hideous, 2-toned peter! It was the likes of which I had never seen before. I mean, pink and black are one of my favorite color combinations, but not in that form! If I had to guess, this guy either had what is known as a “peel-back” (LMAO) or it was totally a fake! I don’t know… whatever! It was horrific (still laughing)!

Normally, I would be appalled by such a brazen suggestive text. But, it was so unexpected and surreal; my immediate reaction was roaring uncontrollable laughter. At 5:15 in the morning that side-splitting, burst of obvious male desperation and/or inflated sense of self was exactly the laugh that I needed to release the last bit of energy holding me back from a peaceful slumber.

Now, the moral of this story, friends, is:

A) Never talk to strangers.

B) Never give your number to who my friends and I call “stalkers”( AKA bug-a-boos) out of sympathy.

C) Never talk to strangers who look like suspected stalkers/bug-a-boos.

P.S. Tune in for part 2 of ‘Kickin’ It Like Tae-bo’ when I discuss the events of this week’s findings at, yet, another birthday party. This one is for a KNOWN friend so; hopefully, there won’t be too many “stalkers” in the building.

P.P.S. The guy must have finally got the point b/c he hasn’t called or texted me since.  I hope he’s ashamed, wherever he is. Loser!