The little engine that would have.

In my mind I walked along those railroad tracks. Reaching into the recesses of my mind digging to find every sign, every time, I had done wrong. I reached back pulling out that little girl huddling behind the shed, hair shining red in the sun.

Blue eyes so full of dreams, streams of tears running down her flushing cheeks, she stared into the tree line imagining the places those tracks could take her, they could save her. She’d hop a ride on a passing freight, and she’d escape me, the life I had, the mom that was mad, the devastatingly drunken Dad, the little girls that were sad, hungry, starving for everything they never had.

I was gone, in more ways than one. I was numb, from the inside out, you could scream and shout, you could slap me around- I was nowhere to be found. I was so deep inside me, crying, so deep inside me dying, nobody ever knew. They never knew. I was drowning and what’s so confounding, is of all of the people around me, not one ever found me.

I was gone. I was off walking those tracks in my mind. Searching for all of the safe places I could find. I was off in my mind, a place where I'd never be blind. I'd see all around me, at all times. No one would ever scare me again.

They'd never see me cry. I wouldn't let them in. I've been through it and tried, it's time that my life begins. And what do I do with these marks, all of the scars, the life the soul that will never heal, wounds that will always show they've been. And, I’d be gone with the wind, if I could just find the courage to run. I’d run in my mind alongside those tracks, that long train; smoke billowing from its stacks.

But, I was eternally frightened at the thought of being without. I had to weigh my options, no life to be found versus faith. I chose no life; the world was a much scarier place than the strife. I digressed, I imploded, until I was grown and then I unloaded. Self-abuse and self-hate, no way was I going to negotiate. No one would ever try me again.

I’m bigger now, stronger; I don’t have to listen to you any longer. I’d fight me. I’d hear her voice and cringe. I’d huddle down in my bedroom and put my hands over my head and cry. All alone in that corner I’d cry. I’d remember how I had grown used to it, how the world was much more unpredictable than they were. Every movement I had down to a science, I had made ducking an art form. And, I became sad for the person I had to become out of fear. She was still here. I’d cut that little girl out of me if I could.

The slightest raise of a brow, quickening of their breath and I’m sure I’ve dodged a few blows that may have resulted in death. Things thrown at my head, fists in my face, and words so hateful they cut me in that place, that place where a soul was supposed to be, where a child belonged; but had vacated me, because there wasn’t enough room for life and survival inside me; I was a hollow tree.

What never mattered to them, sure as hell mattered to me. All of the blessings I could have been, and they’d never see. I see though. I SEE! I see the beauty in me. All those nights I’d cry lying face down on the carpet begging God to let me die. Asking, why? God, why? What did I ever do to deserve this life?

I promise; I’ll be good. Whatever it takes, just take my pain. Take it I don’t want this. I don’t want it God! And I’d sob in the darkness of that room; that awful room, where so many beatings took place. That room, where I was forced to face Satan and his league. Every day, I say now, you think you beat me. You might have. I will give you that. You might have won some battles but I have won the war. Those tears that stain that floor, are the very tears I shed because I was still human, capable of love; capable of compassion despite their aggression. My tears are my freedom, the pain escaping me. My railroad track awaits me. You might have had my body but you will never have my spirit again. I choose; I win. Life, it’s my decision now. And, you bow to the ground. I will pet your head, and tell you its okay. I will tell you to your face, that you are loved. I will never be them; I will never be you, evil.

My day has come, and I am better. My day has come, you knew it would, I win. I claim that. I take that and I run free alongside those railroad tracks, I dance and sing never looking back, I win.