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views5 DAYS: Dear Santa, A Letter From a NAUGHTY Christmas Elf!
By Susan Boswell, Thursday, December 22, 2011Dear Santa,
Certainly, you are aware of the recent addition to the holiday Christmas Card tradition, "The Christmas Letter". On the surface, it appears to be an inocuous and efficient way to share the year's significant events and details with our friends and family. Yet like most things in life that appear innocent and sweet on the surface (hand puppets, kittens, Cabbage Patch Dolls, The Kardashians...)there is often EVIL lurking within and without...
I can't help but wonder:
“If you don't keep in touch with these people over the years
to let them know what's happening in your life,
do they REALLY CARE here at Christmas time?”
Excuse me... Yes, I realize I am stomping on someone’s little TOES here …after all, THIS IS a blogging community full of WRITERS. I know I'm gonna get busted!!! Although maybe, just MAYBE, it's not "The Christmas Letter" but rather the TONE of said letter that brings out my inner Scrooge!
What I find most troublesome are the “Perfect Family Letters"… you know, the ones where the parents brag how their children play on Allstar Teams, make straight A’s, always brush their teeth and keep their beaming Acne-free faces washed and zit-free, while simultaneously, scratching their heads, rubbing their tummies, and doing charity work for the orphans of India. Boo-ya! Their older children are usually busy traveling abroad or have received full collegiate scholarships or have married doctors and lawyers. Then, there are the adventurous families whose letters include photos of them climbing Mt. Fuji, exploring a volcano, or posing underwater holding hands while snorkeling the GREAT BARRIER REEF!(Sorry Bob and Renada- I wasn't talking about you. I LOVE the shot of you with the parachute!!!LOL!Really!!! )
Oh, and MUST these families ALWAYS have such perfectly white TEETH???
Bah Humbug!!!
I know, I know, I’m JEALOUS… Which leads me to ask the burning question on everyone's minds: "WHY don’t you folks tell it like it REALLY is???” WHY don’t you tell us when your kids got arrested,or if your spouse is having an affair, or if you are three months behind on their bills? Really, something like that would actually make us feel BETTER!
Now I will say this SEEMED like a good idea until I actually RECIEVED an Honest Christmas Letter. It came from friends who lived far, far away. Their lives were in the process of unwinding: bankruptcy, health problems, a car accident, job loss, death of a pet... by anyone’s standards, IT WAS A VERY BAD YEAR! This friend put every ounce of her infamous wit and sarcasm into this letter. It was like receiving a BOMB in the mail. Talk about sucking the wind out of the room and the joy out of the holidays!
OK, so I renounce my request to “BRING ON THE DIRT!” Too much reality of that sort DEFINITELY makes for a Krismus- Killjoy. The BEST letters are a mixture of all the above, I suppose. Tell us the good, tell us the bad, share with us your gains and your losses, but make it REAL!!!
Oh, and can you make us laugh a LITTLE PUH- LEEAZZE? Channel a little Erma Bombeck or David Sedaris, will ya?
In one of my ALL-TIME FAVORITE Christmas Letters, which followed the break-up of her marriage, my girlfriend confessed, she had been too stressed out and preoccupied throughout the year to notice her daughter eating large volumes of chocolate before bedtime. As a result, the daughter’s yearly dental check-up yielded 21 CAVITIES. Twenty-fricking-one CAVITIES!!! That REALLY taught me something I didn't know- I mean that it is even POSSIBLE for someone to get 21 cavities at one time! Who KNEW (except for my friend and her Christmas Letter) that there are REALLY THAT MANY PLACES for cavities to exist in an eight year old’s mouth?
Isn’t that, well… FASCINATING???
Yes, and while that letter painted a wholly realistic portrait of the difficulties of her suck-wad year, it kept me laughing well into the New Year while garnering her a few well-deserved sympathy points to boot. Who couldn't- in some fashion- relate to her story? I have another friend who considered making a calendar called the Twelve Bongs of Christmas, which would show the variety of said bongs her son had been able to creatively fabricate throughout the year.
Which leads me back to the Great Barrier Reef photo... It was the last straw (and the last Christmas Letter I ever recieved from her, as well, thank-you-very-much!) from my former roommate. For years, my husband and I had endured her Annual Christmas Letter with the same degree of dread as a root canal. What, I wondered, COULD it possibly entail THIS YEAR? After all, through many years of perfectly penned letters, she had told us, in great detail, about EVERY trophy, EVERY accomplishment of her 3.2 children, and posed with her perfectly handsome, provider/ husband, on alternate years in front of their beautiful oceanfront vacation home or private country estate. We knew the name, rank and serial number of their immaculately pedigreed and photogenic pup, the size of her diamond, and the amount in their growing 401K. It was too much!
FINALLY, I SNAPPED!
What did I do? I should have been ashamed, but I WASN'T! My teenage son, the computer hacker, helped me do the Dirty Deed…
I took a photo of my family and we photo-shopped us standing in front of a big olive tree at The Parthenon. Yes, THE Parthenon. He whitened our teeth til we looked like models in a toothpaste commercial and used some sort of a star filter that made them radiate light like stars. We gave my son a haircut and applied a designer lable to his WalMart polo. We darkened our lily white legs into the perfect shade of tan. We softened the wrinkles around our eyes and mouth and omitted the gray hairs on our head. My husband and I magically grew about 6 inches taller and twenty pounds lighter… We edited out the other tourists, and there we were, THE PERFECT FAMILY on a private tour of the Parthenon. Oh, and let me EAT an OLIVE! ZING! If that were NOT ENOUGH, I went SO FAR, as to consult an on-line translator to help me compose a Christmas message to my friend, IN GREEK, no less.
Need I remind you that I am a Red- neck Southerner from rural North Carolina???
There aren’t even ANY “REAL” GREEKS here, for heaven’s sake!
Then, I copied by hand, EACH of those triangles, squiggles and backwards E’s frommy computer screen into her Christmas Card. I have NO idea what it said since it was GREEK to me. It kind of looked like "Spanikopita" or perhaps it said MERRY FRICKIN’CHRISTMAS, for all I know.I gave the envelope a big ole lick, and stuck it in the mail although honestly, I would have preferred to shove it up her ACROPOLIS!!!
Well Santa, I NEVER got another Christmas Letter from her again! And I was Ok with that!
Signed,
A very NAUGHTY Christmas Elf!
PS : I mean, Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα!
Although this has been re-edited, this is the third posting of this blog on Skirt! I am proud that it is one one of my most highly viewed blogs of all time with nearly 2,000 reads! Merry Christmas, and please come back for more of my 12 Days of Christmas Blogs to come!
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