I've spent so many years of parenting trying to "be consistent" and "praise positive behavior." For years, we availed ourselves of "time outs" for "problematic behavior." I'm not sure why, because no methods of discipline have worked for us long term. Sure, the first five, six, even dozen times, some methods worked. But soon thereafter, when our little devils discovered the ins and outs of "the system," punching holes in what we once thought was an impenetrable fortress of Order, we were back to square one.

Here's one of our many failures on our journey to become disciples of discipline: We put the offending child in the "time-out spot" where they never, ever stayed. An hour later, with sore backs from lifting heavy, thrusting children who were still screaming at the top of their lungs, my husband and I would give up. I know, I know. We are The Parents. We are supposed to be made of iron and steel and have rigid, inexhaustible determination. We are not, ever, to be broken by tears and snotty noses and pleas for forgiveness by the offender.

But even when our kids did stay in the time-out spot, they never settled down like the "experts" said they would. What was it again? One minute in time-out for every year of age? Yea, right. At three minutes, our three-year olds were just getting started -- kicking their legs, flailing their arms, and busting our eardrums in the process. At five minutes, our five-year olds could no longer be chased down in the house (they were too fast for us). Not only could we not keep them in time-out, we couldn't even keep them in the same damn time zone.

And those lovely, seemingly persuasive "reward charts" and/or "treasure boxes"? They did a great job... of teaching my children that the successful completion of basic responsibilities brings endless accolades and material rewards. I spent years rejecting this very methodology, but then in a desperate moment, seized upon the "treasure box" for my 5-year old who started getting out of her bed at night. It worked wonderfully. After five nights, she no longer left her room. Except now she thinks she is some sort of superhero for simply respecting her parents' wishes. And that she has a right to shares of stock in the local Dollar Store (where we got the items for the treasure box).

And what about the removal of privileges? This has never worked. My kids just don't care. Take away one thing, they'll be happy doing something else. They already hardly watch TV and don't use the computer. I've taken away favorite books, games, toys, loveys, desserts -- everything. One time, I even stripped my daughter's bed of all the blankets and sheets. She said, "That's OK. I get too hot at night anyway." I suppose I could spent five or six hours emptying their rooms of every single possession they have. But then who is really getting punished? Them, or me?

"Positive praise," when deserved, is certainly given to the kids. But does positive praise really lessen the calamity, talking back, and temper tantrums? It's impossible to tell. My gut says that when the girls are acting out, it's not because they're feeling unloved, or undervalued, or ignored. They're acting out because they're tired or frustrated or hungry or overstimulated or confused or conflicted.

And since these sorts of disciplinary techniques have not afforded us the results I had hoped for, I no longer do much in the way of discipline. Though I continue to be very strict about limits, and make sure the kids have regular responsibilities and chores, I no longer turn every little misstep into a teaching lesson. When the kids fight, I try to get them to work it out without me interfering. When someone talks back, I tell them that I'll listen to them when they are respectful while speaking. But when my 5-year old throws a temper tantrum, I move her to another room at the other end of the house, so she doesn't disrupt the rest of the family. It sometimes takes her 45 minutes to calm down. And that's fine with us, because our kind of time-out has no time limit.

What is the result of my family's abandonment of traditional methods of discipline? Are my kids now better behaved/smarter/nicer than kids whose families invoke by-the-book techniques?

Probably not. But I no longer spend half my day rewarding one child with stickers or threatening another with taking away privileges. As a family, we seem to have more conversation and less confrontation. I am no longer mentally exhausted from trying to be consistent with how I talk or act with my kids. Small infractions are simply ignored. I am doing less nagging, and more playing. A little less structure, a little less reinforcement, and fewer rules, has made way for a little more peace in our house. Giving a time-out to discipline, has given us more time to just be.