A Mothers Internal Debate

I know I keep bringing up my divorce, and my [ex]husband a lot these days. The truth of the matter is since we set down last month and "cleared the air" our relationship has been slowing creeping back to that eerie, comfortable place it once was. Although I am thankful that Rick and I can now get along, and spend time with Evelyn it does make things slightly more difficult on me. I keep making the joke that hating him was so much easier. That anger was like a shield from everything else, and now that it is gone I feel as vulnerable as a newly bloomed posey. It's one of those things I know I'll be able to manage, I just haven't quite got my bearings on it yet. I tell myself that I would handle it better if I wasn't constantly reminded of how smoothly he moved on to his new [girl]friend. But that's just me making excuses, passing the buck, placing the blame on an anonymous face (although not really anonymous since I know what she looks like.) But that's not my point. This has nothing to do with what I set down to write.

With this new found [fri]endship with Rick I've been thinking a lot about the past, and the things that were suppose to happen. Plans we made, things we said we'd do, dreams we had. One thing I think the most about is college, and how we had planned for me to go back to school. As each month takes me further from my memories of late night cram sessions and editing pages upon pages of written material I find that of all things during this separation and divorce, this is one of the things I'm most bitter about. I feel like he's taken that opportunity from me.

But realistically, he hasn't. Lots of single mothers work and go to school. Lots of single mothers get degrees, and map out careers, and feel no shame in their pursuit of higher education. And really, why should they? Every step a mother makes is to create a better path for them and their children. Recently a friend of mine was talking about school, and finishing up his degree. "I miss college," I sighed. "I'd love to go back."

He laughed at me, "then go."

"I can't." I replied. "I already work two jobs, and I have Evie. I can't throw something else on top of that."

He braced both of my shoulders and looked me square in the eye. "Kirby, stop making excuses. You are not a woman who says 'I can't.' You're the woman who ran half naked around a crowded theater, the woman who drove to DC alone on a whim, and the girl who went through an entire difficult pregnancy alone. If you wanna do it, if you really wanna do it you will find a way to do it."

I've been thinking about what he said and he's right. I use to be so relentless about getting what I want. When did I become so passive, just willing to accept the cards I've be dealt and settle for something less than I want. So I've been going through the CVCC and the Gaston College web-sites looking at their programs and schedules, financial aid and application processes. But still, that voice is going back and forth inside my head:

You don't have the money to go back to college. You already have $25,000 in student loans. Do you really think someone is going to give you more money?

What about work. You work two jobs. Currently you're working 50+ hours a week. Can you really throw even more onto that? 

And what about Evelyn. You already spend to much time away from her working like you do. Do you really want to risk missing more of her childhood? 

You don't even know what you would major in!!!! 

Well I still think it's an awful idea. 

Who knows. Maybe it is. But shouldn't I try. The longer I'm out of a classroom the less I feel like I can breath.

I don't know what to do. A little guidance would be nice right about now.