I think I have made a friend with someone who has a death wish. And I’m not sure if I should run fast and far away, or try to just listen and be there. The ironic thing is, she’s very intelligent and enjoyable most of the time; she’s, lived a privileged life and yet had has horrible things happen to her, mainly because of her choices. Yet, maybe her choices stemmed from the terrible things that happened to her. Or maybe still, anything she tells me could be a lie. But I’m drawn to her regardless of what I believe.
From what I know, she’s suffered from and survived ovarian cancer, a rarity, I know. But I honestly can’t see someone lying about that. She knows all the medical terms, talks about her treatment, etc., and I just don’t have it in me to question that. She’s been totally honest about her addictions to alcohol and the fact that she lost her child in a custody battle because of it. Most people don’t really seem to brag about that. I know that it’s that last thing I would tell anyone, even if it were true. She admits she’s a f-up, and also doesn’t seem to care. Perhaps she is at the end of her rope...she drinks all day long, she smokes like a chimney and she’s paranoid…thinking the world is out to get her.
She also showed me her leg tonight—it looked really bad, I mean, it looked “sick” if a leg can look that way. I see death in her eyes, I hear death in her words and I see a cavalier attitude of “So what, I’m dying, sue me.” She has a huge chip on her shoulder, but one I can kind of understand. I see a young woman (45ish) giving up without caring yet I also know she cares more about herself than she wants to let on. On the other hand, I see how much she reaches out to others with a genuine helpful spirit. I see someone lost who can’t be found, hiding behind an exterior of toughness that belies the pain she feels deep inside…the drinking, the smoking and the lack of care about her appearance.
Yes, she is sick. She may or may not be dying. But I think she is and that scares me. It scares me because I feel helpless and scammed at the same time. I want to believe her so that I can help in some way; even it’s just by lending a shoulder or providing a good laugh or two. And if she isn’t dying, well I still see a death wish on her mind. Whatever has scarred her, she feels it deeply and is living out that notion of not caring to the point of killing herself with poor choices. I can’t just walk away.