Shut up, self doubt.

"ASHLEY! CAN'T YOU TURN THE VOLUME DOWN ON YOUR CLARINET? OR COULD YOU PUT LESS AIR INTO THE THING? IT'S REALLY LOUD!

Yup, my dad...yelling at me from the kitchen while practicing my clarinet in the 6th grade.

There was something about playing an instrument that served as a true release for my soul. Hurt, angry, sad, happy - all emotions could be expressed through music. Practicing day end, day out, competing - I knew it was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

Until someone told me I couldn't.

It was my sophomore year in high school and I was performing for solo and ensemble. I was playing the adagio movement of Mozart's Clarinet Concierto. During a lesson my teacher looked at me and said, "It will be impossible for you to receive a superior. I have students way ahead of you in progress that are younger playing the same piece."

WHAT?! Sure, ok, I may have been a little behind. In my defense, I was working at the local Piggly Wiggly after school to help pay for those lessons with that WRETCHED woman and no, I had not studied with her since I began playing. I had been with her for about 2 months so of course I hadn't made as much progress as the students in her studio!!

At first? I cried. Yes. Cried. Lots-o-tears. I immediately left. I was more angry at myself for letting her know she got to me than I was at her for making me feel like a peanut. I turned my anger into fuel to kick solo and ensemble's ASS. After releasing my nerves off of the balcony (yes, I ralphed) before my performance, I not only scored a superior but the judge said it was the best performance she heard all day.

Take THAT.

But, my point in all of this is that she made me doubt myself and my decision to go into music.

I quit taking lessons from her immediately and decided to rethink my career path. During the time I was volunteering at our elementary school to read to the kindergarten students. I LOVED being there! It was my favorite time of the week. I then decided to pursue a career in teaching.

But wait! Here comes the doubt: My dad said I shouldn't do it. Why? Because he thought I would be better climbing the corporate ladder. He didn't think I would be good at teaching.

I am a daddy's girl, I will admit that...and his opinion means a ton of a great deal to me. I did graduate with a degree in early childhood ed but I stuck with climbing the corporate ladder and let me just say that my daddy was WRONG.

Yes, W-R-O-N-G, my daddy was wrong. This realization continues to blow my mind every.single.day. I am the most unhappy I have been since the day my clarinet teacher told me I wouldn't succeed.

I have been given the opportunity to teach pre-k at a private school and I am terrified.

Why?

Because of fear. That little voice inside that says, "Don't take that leap. Stay where you are. Stick with being in your comfort zone. There's a possibility that you.could.fail."

When I sent notification that I wasn't interested in pursuing the teaching position, the principal called me the next day and told me, "I'm not willing to give up on you. What I hear is fear and I think that you can overcome that. I know how badly you want to take this leap and we're here to help you. At least give us a chance."

Woah.

So, shut up, self doubt - I have found someone who believes in me and wants me to fulfill my dreams. I don't need you to talk to me anymore. The next time you decide to fill my head with garbage remember that I am awesome and can achieve any goal I set my mind to.

I'm going to observe the school next week.