Maybe it's not ME

I lost all respect for a certain person last night. A certain man, who I've known almost two years now, and who, I'm almost ashamed to admit, I've had a crush on since I met him.

This man is a youth minister. He's charismatic, charming, even, and people adore him. Last night, I went to karaoke, he came, and we started out the evening having a good time with a mutual friend of ours.

This mutual friend of ours knows about my little crush, and kept encouraging me to tell the guy, which I steadfastly refused to do....cowardly? Maybe. Safe....very. He kept telling me that I can't live in fear of rejection all my life. I know this is true...and I don't. But I know I'm not the guy's type. There's a difference in taking a chance on something that can happen and setting yourself up for absolute dissappointment.

When I say I'm not this guy's type...I'm not kidding. I've heard him comment several times on the "hotness" of certain sexy female celebrities. And I never hesitated to let him know that those stars are the reason girls like me...extra curvy and lacking "sex appeal," can't get a date. He just laughed it off and said that wasn't true. And a part of me kept hoping that what he said was a joke....surely a youth minister can't be that shallow?

WRONG.

Our friend finally point-blank asked him what his type of woman is. This was an ongoing conversation, actually, that last the entire evening, culminating with him saying he finds small girls with small breasts attractive. That's it. You know...perfect bodies. Perfect face. Perfect hair. Can hold up her end of a conversation.

I'd had a "few" drinks by then, which meant I had enough courage to finally ask him "so a girl like me wouldn't have a chance with you?"

"No....sorry..." He stammered through that one...with an apologetic look on his face. What the hell is he sorry for? It's his loss, certainly not mine.

Then I asked him "And what makes you think that girls like that would be interested in you?"

He never did answer the question. He said he felt like I was attacking him. *Ya think?*

When the guy walked away to sing, our friend looked at me and said, "At least it saved you a little pain. Now you know."

Gee, thanks.

I realized a few things from this.

First, if you can't trust a youth minister to have higher values in women than that, then what kind of man can you trust? This kind of proves that men are, indeed, pigs. Selfish, stupid pigs.

Second, I realized that it's not me. I know that I'm not perfect. But I'm better than perfect, because I'm a real woman. I'm intelligent and beautiful and strong, and a man like that, who bases his attraction purely on physical beauty isn't the kind of man I want anyway.

And finally, I realized that it's not me being hurt here. He may have rejected me, but he's the one who has these perfect standards for a woman, and it's him that's going to be hurt. I know what I want in a man. I want a man with a great personality. A man I can talk to. The men I have liked have fallen under several categories of looks, and at least I know that I'm not shallow enough to base my attraction on their looks.

So, really, I'm not missing anything. He's missing me. He's missing a chance to be with someone he could have a great relationship with. Maybe someday he'll come around, though I doubt it. But if he does, it will be too late. Because I have no respect left for him, and I could never be with a guy I don't respect.