I'm not sure how to write this

I don't know how to handle death.

I wanted this to be a moving, fitting tribute to the wonderful man the world lost this weekend. Because he was. He was brilliant. His energy, passion, fire, everything that made up who he was, was like a magnet, drawing me to him.

I met Christopher a little over a year ago. We had an acting class together last fall. At first, he scared me. He was off the wall. Enigmatic. How could I not come to love him? He's the kind of person I've always been drawn too.

The year progressed. He was amazing, we all came to discover. He could light up a stage. The spring semester, we had playwriting together, and were in the school play. I don't think he ever actually realized just how great he was. He was always talking about how he didn't think he was good. But he was. Oh, he was.

Also in that playwriting class was another man, Jeremy, who is one of my closest friends. The three of us spent so much time after class talking...about everything. Actually, most of the time it was them talking and me listening because I couldn't get a word in edgewise, but that was okay. I could have sat with them and listened for hours.

We were in advanced acting together this semester. I saw him last week, at auditions, and in class. One of the last things I said to him was, "I see you decided to shave your beard. I'm glad. You have such a nice face."

Monday started for me like any other day. I went to class, ran a few errands, got on the computer. Then Jeremy got on line and when he IMed me, his first words were, "Hun, have you heard the news? The sad news?" And my world came crashing down.

Until this week, I've never personally experienced the loss of a friend. The closest I've come to death is when my great-uncle died, when I was 10.  There were people from my high school that died in car accidents, and one of cancer, but they were never friends. I was sad because my friends were sad, but I was always the one comforting them. I never cried. I seldom cry around people. I used to wonder what would happen if it was someone I loved, someone I was close to. Would I cry? I never wanted to find out.

When Jeremy told me, I did cry. I went and sat with him in his office for awhile. I couldn't sit still because sitting still made me think about it too much and I'd cry more. I'm in between denial and grief. I don't want to believe he's really gone, this man that means so much to our world. I keep hoping it's a cruel joke, but I know it's not.

Today we had the class that he should have been in, and he wasn't there. We sat in there, crying, talking, remembering him.

I don't really know how to deal with this. How long do I have the right to miss him? How can I comfort others when I'm the one that wants comforting? Why do I feel so selfish for wanting him back? I knew that I would have to say goodbye to him eventually. But this is all wrong. It's too soon. It shouldn't have happened this way.