I need man advice! (My Red-Haired-Man Saga)

Four years ago, I was 19 going on 20 (Don't worry...this gets better).

That year was the last year my church did "The Gospel According to Scrooge," and of course I was in it. A man was also in it. Tall (very), red-haired (I've always been a sucker for red-haired men)....and 14 years older than me (I'm into older men...men my age...are...well...boys).

At the time, he showed vague interest in me.  He would talk to me between scenes. If he saw me coming towards a door, he'd go out of his way to open for me. I knew at this point he had a 7-year-old son (He also had 2-year-old twin boys, but I didn't know this until later). 

I didn't give him much thought at the time. He was a nice man with a child (children...) I didn't even know if he was single or not at this point. His name is Ethan.

Fast forward a few months (closer to Spring and my 20th birthday). I was a freshman in college, but I couldn't stand the college group and had stopped going the summer before. I believe this is right before I stopped volunteering at the junior high so that I could be in choir. I had been running the coffee shop (really just a cappuccino machine surrounded by walls I helped put up when we started redecorating when I was still in high school) with a few of the junior high girls. My point here is...I was one of the few people at the church who already knew how to run the machine and knew the inner workings of the "business."

The single's pastor, who had been the junior high pastor previously, asked me to come to the single's group to run the shop and serve coffee to the members. Maybe he knew I hadn't been connecting anywhere in the church. Or maybe they just really wanted coffee on Saturday nights. I wasn't yet 20, and the Single's group technically didn't start until 23, but it didn't seem to matter. The days got warmer, the coffee was no longer wanted, but I stayed.

It never mattered to them that I was "too young."  Especially to the singles in their 30s and 40s. They seemed to adore me, and I them. I started going to lunch with them after church on Sundays. When they had extra activities planned, I was invited.

Ethan was a part of this group. (He was single, had custody of the boys...that's another story). Over the year and a half I was part of that group, we grew close. He was always sitting near me, he would volunteer to be on my team when we played mini-golf or did scavenger hunts. I enjoyed talking to him and grew to adore him.

I also grew to adore his boys, and this is where the problem lies. I volunteered in the church nursery, and when I worked with the three-year-olds, I had the twins. They had that typical identical twin connection that made it difficult for other teachers, but they loved me, and always did what I asked them to do. I was the only teacher that never had a problem with them.

When the singles would go to lunch, if Ethan and the boys joined us, they always asked if they could ride with me, which I allowed. I loved that feeling, the three blond-blue-eyed boys in the back of my car. It was what I wanted.

*Cue red flag!*

I questioned myself....could I give up everything, school, travel, moving to the East Coast, to be a mother to those boys? I knew the answer was yes. (I also know now, that would have been a mistake. I needed to finish school. I think he knew that too, which is why, I think, even though we spent so much time together and I was convinced he liked me, he never did ask me out. He was trying to protect me from making that mistake.  And...he was shy).

Then came the night that broke my heart. Another Christmas play, this time "The Christmas Shoes." Ethan was ushering, and he left the twins with his parents, but brought the older boy, who was 8 by then. I offered to watch the child...it was no big deal, since we adored each other. I ended up taking him to the chapel to watch the play on the screen, so that we wouldn't be taking up seats in the sanctuary.  As the show was getting ready to start after intermission, he snuggled up next to me, his big blue eyes met mine, and he said "I wish you were my mother."

*side note...they're mother is still in the picture, but that's not my story to tell...*

What I wanted to say was "Oh, I too wish more than anything I was your mother." But I couldn't say that.  It wouldn't have been right. So I said nothing, just smiled at him and pulled him closer.

That was when I knew that either something needed to happen with Ethan, or I needed to back away before those boys got any more attached to me and I broke their hearts by leaving. Nothing did happen in the next few months, and right before I turned 21 (the day before, actually), I stopped going to Trinity.  It wasn't because of him, there were extenuating circumstances that drove me from that church.

We kept in contact for a few months. I've seen the twins once since then, the older one two or three times, mostly from running into Ethan at the mall or other places.  But then I left for New Mexico. It's been well over a year since I've talked to him at all.

A few weeks after I got home this summer, I got an instant message from a man who had also been a part of that single's group. Who had been Ethan's closest (male) friend at the group.  One of his first questions was "Has some lucky guy swept you off your feet yet?"  Then, "I thought you and Ethan would get together." It was through this primary conversation that I discovered, without a doubt, that Ethan was in fact very much into me.

So, this other guy became my summer fling (hey...he saw and opportunity and took it...gotta admire that). It turned out he liked me back then as well, but didn't want to come between me and Ethan.

But over the last few weeks, I've realized that I really miss Ethan and those boys.  And things would be different now. I graduate in December, so I wouldn't have to give up school. Just travel. And moving, right away anyway (One of Ethan's dreams is to have a log cabin home in Virginia...I could totally live with that). And I could give up those things, if it meant having those boys. All four of them.

So the other day, I sent him an email. Basically, "how are you...I miss you and the boys...thought I'd write...brief update...we should meet for lunch and catch up...send the boys my love..."

He replied yesterday with "Yes, we should meet and visit, my number is......call me." (He's a man of few words. I kinda like that about him).

I didn't call him yesterday. What time is too late for a man with three young boys?  And...I kinda chickened out.  I started questioning myself. I've no doubt he still likes me.

And I'm pretty much in love with him and the boys.  But the boys...that's the problem. Am I willing to put myself back into their lives if I'm not certain things will work out between me and their father? Could I, in essence, "abandon" them again?  

There's no certainty here. But I know that I very much want to be in their life. Permanently.

So how do I handle this?  I need help.