Security Breach!

Being in the middle seat on a cross-country flight sucks. You can imagine my dread. This was the return flight after a grueling work trip, no less. What I didn't realize was how interesting takeoff would be.

We taxied and waited for take off. Before I even realized what was happening, our flamboyant male flight attendant was straining against the straps of his jump seat, staring toward the back of the plane and mumbling, "security breach." He grabbed for the intercom and yelled it into the PA system, "security breach!" Gasps passed through the plane as we turned to see what the attendant was shouting at. Oh shit, someone's got a boxcutter, I thought. This plane's going into a building. I took a quick inventory, noting that, in a pinch, the man next to me would make a great flotation device...and possibly a great shield against gunfire. 

As it happened, the attendant was only shouting at a desperate man who'd gotten up to use the lavatory. The plane rolled forward despite the "breach," and though Bathroom Man spent half a beat paused in front of the bathroom door looking terribly torn, he decided to return to his seat. The attendant's face burned red and he shouted into the PA system, "No! Stay there! Go inside!" Bathroom Man looked like a deer in headlights. "You have to stay in the bathroom now! Get back in there and lock the door. Don't come out til I tell you."

"Yeah, you get in there and think about what you did," I added.

Passengers chuckled and the attendant leveled his stare at me. Oh for God's sake. We're going to call the FAA over this? Unless this guy can fire a round of shells out of his ass, I doubt this is a screaming panic situation. Obviously, he is clueless, but obviously he is also harmless (well, I'll bet he could have done some serious damage to that bathroom given half a chance, but that's another story...).

Our wheels left the runway as the poor guy retreated and locked himself in the lav. He was banished there for the duration of our ascent. I pictured him sitting there, fully clothed, looking around anxiously and waiting for permission to be excused.

I'm sure I don't need to mention this was a JetBlue flight. What the hell is up with their flight attendants?