Put a Ring on It?

In planning my sister's baby shower I *somehow* forgot to mail an invite to our Great Aunt Fran. I'm going to blame it on the chaos of work, but odds are pretty good I was running a subliminal campaign against her. Which didn't work out so well because today I had to call and extend her an invite. Painful.

Fran is not intentionally unpleasant. It's just a natural gift. For starters, she's the Supreme Commander of Backhanded Compliments (Christmas Party 2009: "oh my, you look amazing! I just can't get over it. You are so good with makeup! I didn't even recognize you. I mean really, not at all. You really should wear makeup more often." Yeah thanks, you old bat.) 

I was hoping to get her answering machine, but honestly, I knew better. She's always home. Probably hovering over her cauldron or baking children in the oven. I mentioned the shower and invited her with all the enthusiasm I could muster, cursing myself for not having developed a coke habit to get me through situations like this. She declined - surprisingly - without any disparaging remarks. I breathed a sigh of relief.

Too soon.

"Now when are you getting married?" she scolded. "There's an event I want to go to. Why aren't you married yet?" Lord. How does one respond to this? What I wanted to say was, "oh, that's because I screw 'em and run, grabbing their wallet for my pimp as I flee out the door." Her gasp of horror would have been so gratifying, and anyway, I believe the shock would have done her good. 

But I know better than to cause a scene with Fran - wrestling with pigs and whatnot - so I stumbled around it, saying I hadn't met the right person, my job is demanding, blah blah blah. Fran insisted I'm a doll and it's really SO TRAGIC that I'm "alone."

"Well, I'm crossing my fingers and I'm praying for you. All the time," she added dramatically. As if I have some life-threatening condition flummoxing doctors worldwide.

This woman's daughter recently went through a bitter separation with an alcoholic, abusive husband. If Fran needs a project, well, I think it's pretty obvious where she ought to begin. Fran herself is a divorcee, as is my mother (two times over). So maybe...just maybe...marriage isn't for everyone.

Despite all the failures I've witnessed, I do believe in marriage. Here's the catch though: people shouldn't marry unless they've got something extraordinary. Like, crazy extraordinary. Not everyone finds that, or else it wouldn't be "extraordinary," it would be "ordinary." On average, Americans up and get married in their second or third serious relationship. It only takes one or two relationships for people to find The One? Clearly, for 50% of couples, not so much.

You know what I did today? Whatever the hell I wanted. I kind of like that. I go out with whomever I choose, come home when it pleases me, and leave my room in whatever state of disarray I want. I can run late without someone standing around pissed off that I'm trying on my 43rd outfit. I can stay in bed reading books all weekend without an impatient companion wondering if I'm always this boring. I have no interest in giving these privileges up without a very, very compelling reason. In the meantime, I suppose Aunt Fran will have to imagine my wedding.