An Open Letter to FedEx

Dear FedEx,

I would like to know who, exactly, is home in the middle of the day to receive and sign for packages in the year 2010. The unemployment rate is high, so I guess all those folks are probably home. But I imagine they're not receiving a lot of packages. Unless they're drug dealers and in that case, they probably have foil over the windows and rarely answer the door for anyone not named "Open-the-@&%#-up, Man!!"

To the best of my knowledge, the rest of us are working all day in this two-income-household economy. So why...why, why, won't you please leave my package at the door? I will never get it if I have to pick it up from your "nearest facility" in South Middle-of-Nowheresville Los Angeles. And I will likely get shot trying. At least if you leave it at my door, there is an 80/20 split that I will get the damn thing, and an almost 99% chance I will survive. (My neighbor is a crazy bitch who pushes a shopping cart everywhere wearing dress gloves, so I'm leaving that 1% for her.)

I've left signed notes begging your purple & white footsoldiers to leave the package, free of litigation, at my doorstep. Still, I am denied. It's my package! Why can't I be the boss of it? Why??

Signed,

Online Shoe Purchaser