Kiss the Frog

There are a lot of frogs out there. I do not need to kiss them in order to determine they aren't princes.

I really should've known when 80% of this dude's texts were punctuated with "cool!" -- I also should have known when I walked into the bar to find he was in a black thermal, a blingy watch, and had a general Jersey Shore-ish appearance. He spent the first ten minutes telling me about the workout he'd just completed. I'm not kidding. He detailed today's focus (lats, tris and bis, for your information) and how many reps of each it takes to maintain his physique. I faded out of consciousness sometime around the fourth sentence, but I do vaguely recall hearing about the virtues of clean foods and the beneficial properties of a protein bar. His favorite are Cliff Peanut Butter. And -shhh- between me and you, he really likes those "chick bars," which the rest of us refer to as Luna Bars.

By the time he finished his dissertation on fitness, the only thing I was after was self-amusement. I asked if, after the Luna Bars, he'd noticed his breasts becoming enlarged.

"My pecs?" he asked. "They were already pretty swole."

Swole? SWOLE? With a straight face, no less? Good Lord. How could my mother's friend think I had anything in common with this guy? This is what I get for indulging their dating delusions.

Dude also managed to spend a fair amount of time discussing his dating history ("chicks are crazy, ya know?" Um, sure.) and highlighting his fiscal assets. I get it buddy. You're rad. You have a Harley. And four houses. Three of them came with a pool, two with a fitness room, but not one thing you own came with a decent personality. Perhaps you can get one thrown in on your next spa-cation to Tahiti.

I hoped to walk myself home at the end of the night (actually, I hoped to walk myself home at the beginning of the night), but he insisted upon escorting me. Oh, the chivalry. Always fun to do the awkward kiss-dodge. That, my friends, is just further testament to his self-absorption: he assumed the evening had gone well enough to warrant a kiss. How could it not? He is AWEsome.

On the way home I left my mother a message that she and her friends are officially restricted from my dating life. I can find frogs (swole, or otherwise) on my own. It's the princes that are in short supply.