171
viewsGreat Expectations
By outdoors80, Sunday, March 20, 2011, 4 commentsMost people, most of the time, do not change. Remember this.
I generally consider myself an optimist, so I really hate having to remind myself of this mantra. Notice, I do leave room for some people to change, some of the time. It's just that percentages are percentages for a reason. You have to expect the rules to hold true.
I suck at that. I'm always expecting the exception. I don't know why that is -- perhaps because my mother raised us as exceptions to the rule (hence my lack of respect for rules, which got me into quite a bit of trouble). It could also be because we, as Americans, generally expect amazing things to happen to us. We are a privileged country who's most popular shows are based upon people being surprised with amazing gifts: Extreme Home Makeover, Secret Millionaire, American Idol...the list goes on and on...
At any rate, I find myself upset...as if I have a right...when people do not change the way I hope. No matter how illogical and idiosyncratic my expectations. I have, fortunately, learned not to expect change from men I date. That seems like the hard lesson, but is actually the easy one in comparison to accepting this idea about your family. The men, you walk away from. When you've had enough, you move on. If you refuse to move on, you get dragged. Regardless, it's your choice.
With family...well...they're yours (and you're theirs) whether you choose it or not. So if, say, your older sister expects you to be supportive and listen to her problems, but is nowhere to be found when you want to talk about yours...there's not a whole lot you can do about that. I'm struggling with this. I want us to be close. I love her to pieces, and she's just recently had a daughter, who I love to pieces as well. Things were strained just before the baby, but I had hoped after the baby things would be better. And they are, because I set aside my insistence that she treat me the way I'd like. We can be best friends if I give up everything. I can make it happen. I just don't want to anymore.
I was literally in the middle of a sentence today, speaking directly to her (a sentence with a question mark at the end, no less), when she interrupted to speak directly to her husband. It felt like that moment right after you've been slapped. Last night when I tried to talk to her about my dating situation, she couldn't have been less interested. All she wanted to know was the point she got to straight-away: am I going to start dating that guy she can't stand again? No? Okay then. Enough talking.
I realize she is married and perhaps dating isn't of much interest to her anymore. But for crying out loud...half of the things I listen to her rant about (her mother-in-law, baby formula, house decor) is not all that scintillating either. The things is, that's what you do in relationships. Especially with women. You listen to eachother's stupid shit because it's about the listening. It's about making someone's boring shit important to you, because it's important to them. Isn't it?
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4 Comments
undertstand ...but
it's not all about you! ;( She has a new BABY...a life to take care of and cherish. It's not just about "women" it's about your SISTER. Who is dealing with major life changes. BE there for her...just like you'll want someone there for you one day when you are in the same situtation. She is feeling change just as you are. I'm sure she cares about your dating life, but is moe focused on her mother life. Understandable. Be her friend, not your own enemy.
Ooooh, Southern Newbie,
Ooooh, Southern Newbie, you're about to get more than you bargained for. Forgive me for what will inevitably be a long response, but if you're going to jump right into scolding me, then I would like to make sure you fully understand. Because starting your post with, "I understand," does not make that statement true.
First, have you considered that some posts exist because someone is doing precisely what you suggest? Being supportive and venting intermittent frustration on a blog, rather than venting it to the object of their frustration? Don't forget while you're busy espousing the idea of compassion...to actually espouse compassion yourself. For all situations.
I've been there for my sister. I've flown across 2 states every other weekend since my niece was born to help out. I have a demanding work schedule, but I make time to do that...to take my sister's calls....to plan an enormous baby shower that my sister dictated and to spoil my niece rotten...because I love them both. My sister and her husband have stay-at-home jobs...they also have a host of family members who jump at any chance (or even lack thereof) to help out. Trust me, she has truckloads of support.
I used dating as an example topic, but it is really the least of the subjects I've needed her counsel on. In the last month-and-a-half, I've moved, been robbed, started a new job, lost a childhood friend to an auto accident...and most importantly, taken care of our ailing grandmother who passed away. My sister couldn't help because she was pregnant. I understand that. Helping with hospice and managing my mother's meltdown, without my sister's help, didn't bother me. It was stressful, but I was happy to do what I could and felt blessed to be there.
Now, before this veers wildly off into a tangent, I'll sum it up. This issue with my sister has been a life-long problem, and her becoming a mother has had zero bearing on the way she behaves. She tends to be self-absorbed. But I love her and have been there for her (and my beautiful niece) in ways most people can't even imagine. So I expect the freedom to have feelings and to blog about them...without being scolded and told I should learn to "BE there for" other people. Being there for other people, especially her, comprises 98% of my life.
Way to stick up for yourself
Way to stick up for yourself Outdoors80! I agree with you 100%. I doubt she meant to scold you, but it was a scolding and I'd be just as frustrated. I can sympathize to some degree with what you're going through. My sister recently had a baby (my now god-daughter) and she's been very hard to get a hold of. I do not get to see my neice often enough as she is always out and about with her boyfriend/high school friends/ etc. Since when is it uncool to hang out or make time for your sister if not for her, at least for MY god daughter? I hope it's because she is young (I'm 25, she just turned 22) and does not yet realize the importance of family support (whether or not she needs it, and she does). After reading your blog I think I'll take a more proactiv approach to squeezing myself into her schedule. Thank you so much for your insight and I hope you and your sister work things out. Sisters are the best friends god can give you xoxo
Agreed Rose, thank you for
Agreed Rose, thank you for your comments. I have an impossible time getting my sister on the phone also...but I'm willing to bet (hope!) that a large part of your sister's behavior can be attributed to age. She's lucky to have a sister so eager to take part. I'd encourage you to get in there and spend time with your God Daughter whenever possible. Undoubtedly, they'll both look back and be grateful you did! Wishing you luck :)
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