Dating by proxy, anyone?

Get excited people, because I am back on Match.com. If you recall, I did this last year for a couple of months and everyone seemed to have a very good time laughing at me. And my dates.

It would be amazing if I could just say exactly what I wanted on my profile. The thing is, there's a dance we must do to end up on a date with someone we like. Being too direct scares people off and makes you seem like a task master.

All the same, I'd really like to let guys like Brian know that when my profile says I'm looking for someone 5'11" plus, I mean that I am only interested in dating guys who are 5'11" plus. For those gentlemen slow at math (*ahem* Brian, pay attention here) 5'8" is not, in fact, the same as 5'11." It's not even close. You've now already proven you can't read and/or pay attention to what I've asked for. That is not a good way to begin, Brian.

This goes hand in hand with the body type issue. Pllllllease don't email me, Soheil, if you classify yourself as "slender," 'cause it ain't happening. I don't care if you're a musician. "Slender" is a word that should never be used to describe a man...much like the words "delicate" or "fragile"(assuming the gentleman is under the age of 97).

I'd also love to tell people straight up that if they're shy, timid, or looking to date a bossy bitch, they should move right along. I don't want to be anyone's pool of warm water in which to dip their toe. Nor do I want to be their Mommy, decision-maker, or dating cheerleader.

Another thing? If you're holding an orchestral instrument in your profile pic (like a VIOLIN, Thomas!) please don't even bother. I have nothing against guys that play in an orchestra, but holding the instrument in your profile pic doesn't make you stand out like Mom may have told you, it makes you a nerd. You don't see me holding a completed crossword puzzle up in my picture. 

Other things I'd like to get out of the way...if you're over 45, forget it. My age preference caps off at 40, and that's generous. READ. Please. I have a father (several, actually). I've got no interest in dating one. Also, if your profile pictures consist of beer bonging, clubbing, hanging on girls, and generally acting like a jackass...well, I already dated you in college. I'm done with you, trust me.

I don't know about everyone else, but I feel better. I think that's enough for now. I'm just putting the word out that, soon, I will be bringing you vicarious tales of mortification, awkwardness, intrigue, and insanity. I mean, this is LA. It doesn't get any stranger than this.