Rated R (and in my 30s)

I had a strange shopping experience this weekend that had me noticing my age. 

I was at a grocery store, one which will remain anonymous to protect the guilty. Note: I live in Tampa and we all know there are preferred grocers...you’re either out in “public” – wink, wink, or “sweet” on someone – *cough*cough). Anyway, I was picking up some random items: juice, asparagus, bag of apples, eggs, etc. One of my purchased items was a cucumber.

Let me set the scene for you: I am checking out. There is no one in front of me and no one behind me. It is me, my groceries, the check-out girl who is about 16 or 17, the bag boy who is about 16 or 17, and a check-out boy of about 18 on the register behind me.

No words are exchanged as the check-out girl and bag boy are deep in conversation about their weekend and what “she said that he said about what they said when she said what they said...which all must be true.”

Anyway, the young lady gets to my cucumber and as she scans it – she calls to the boy behind me and gestures with my cucumber.

Now, I believe that we all have heard a raunchy, high school “cucumber” story/urban legend...so you can imagine what the x-rated checkout clerk has insinuated with my cucumber. O-M-G. 

Before I could stop myself, out of my mouth flew, “That was disturbing.” At this point, the check-out girl is MORTIFIED, the bag boy equally embarassed, and the sell-out behind me actually tells the check-out girl, “You should probably not do that, [name omitted to protect the guilty],” as if he wasn’t just giggling like the school boy he is prior to my grown folk chastising.

I promise you, it was as if time stood still and there was silence throughout the entire grocery store. You could hear a pin drop in our area! If “check-out Patty” could, she would have actually checked-out and evaporated. I’m not a prude, but I apparently became the oldest, most un-cool ADULT right there in the middle of un-named grocery store. (My girlfriend said my snooty use of the word “disturbing” in a sentence made me way adult, and I immediately started to envision Bree from Desperate Housewives.)

Now all of the inappropriateness aside, what I was really wondering was – what would make this teenage girl think I had NO CLUE what she was doing? As if I was so far removed from youth that I would not have any idea of the latest “cucumber” story that circulated around the halls of her dinky high school? I’m not old you little twit!

When I got home, I hastily chopped up that cucumber into bite-size pieces. (My husband looked a little nervous watching me.) I did, however, save two circular slices to apply to my eyes. Clearly I was looking tired, over 25 and not as cool as a – let’s not go there...