Why the Mommy Wars?

When my first daughter,(I've had four!) was born I thought I was the ultimate feminist, though I didnt' have the "title" Ms. Piepmeier does. When I saw my daughter, long after her birth, I thought, Hey, who is that kid? And now, after 16 1/2 years and four daughters later .. . I would not change a thing. I challenge you to stay at home .. .and truly get to know what you say you respect. Essentially, get over yourself, and get into your child. Whether you're the father or the mother in this life, there is absolutely nothing like the future. If you can't take a few years out of your life to get to know this child, the one who will make the difference, then you can just join the numbers of others who just procreate because it's status quo. yes, I have a life. yes, I'm an intelligent, thinking woman, who is forming the minds of our future... The whole professor thing . . . Can't remember one professor in college who made more of a difference than my mother who did staying at home with us, teaching us about feminism. There is absolutely nothing like raising a child, or investing in a child, either through birth or otherwise. I'm prejudiced. I cannot see where there is any other way for the future. Get over it. Change a diaper. See the doldrums. It is NOT easy... some days it sucks... but you will never, ever get more rewards than this, Ms. Prof.

I appreciate that the feminist movement allows me the choice to be the at home parent- not just assuming I will be. Still, there are times when I feel that I'm letting feminism down by choosing to be home with my children. Why do we undervalue the position of mom? If a mom works at a daycare full time, she would still rank higher than an at-home mom. The title of chef comes with some respect. Even a housekeeper is a hard worker.

There is a guilt that comes along with parenting. It shows the work we have yet to do as a society. When a parent becomes an empty nester, essentially they are forced to start over. Degrees and experiences are paled by 18+ years out of the workforce despite the management, organization, financial, and other life skills learned. But, as you said, there is a guilt associated with what we might miss if we share our child rearing responsibilities with others. It's a huge catch 22.

Maybe it's time we start a children's movement to put value on childhood and child care. (by men or women) Any builder will tell you the foundation is the most important part. I think this goes for our children as well.

We all have choices to make. Women who choose to stay home with their children and can afford to do so are fortunate. If your bills are paid, you have food on the table, gas in your car and you are doing what you want to do; why are you complaining? I know some days are harder than others but overall you are doing what you wanted to do (now, if you're not, make some changes in your life). Many women go to work because they must go to work. If they didn't, the bills wouldn't be paid and there may not be enough food to go around. So please, please just be thankful you have a choice. Their are women without the luxury of a choice. I know, I know there are going to be women out their who say they are making lots of sacrifices (cable, cell phones, movies, etc) in order to stay home but remember, we all make sacrifices. Each one us us must do what is best for our particular situation. We must do what is best for our family. So, if you are at your best when you are home with your kids and you can afford to stay home, then great. But, if you are at your best when you are working outside the home and enjoy working outside the home; then great. Remember, some work outside the home simply because they must. We all make tough choices. So lets just agree to let each woman make her own choice, without a spoonful of guilt and self-doubt.

We all must and do make a choice every time we leave our child, either to work, to have an evening out, to shop (for food, clothes, etc), and we must all be true to ourselves as well. My mother worked outside our home and worked even harder when she was home. With 4 kids, we never had luxury items, and my mother made the best of a very small budget to put food on the table, clean our clothes and our home. We all grew up to be productive, valuable citizens of the US and the world at large. We each make good contributions through our families and our work ethics. Each have families and all of us have made individual choices about parenting and our children have grown to be wonderful, respecable citizens. We do ourselves, our children and our world a disservice when we judge others through our worldview and not through their worldview. Women need other women to give them the courtesy to make choices that are the best for their family.

I couldn't agree w/you more!! Until having twins & being put in the real position of not having any real fair options or choices, I figured I would just work & be a mom. But having two instead of one, changed everything. As parents, we often aren't able to be the parents we want to be b/c of lack of resources and choices. Why? B/c no - parenting is not respected, if anything it simply an unwise choice that leaves you bankrupt of two of life's greatest gifts - time & money. I just happened to be born a mother which in this world is viewed as something as simple as spreading your legs and waking up every day. I say no one should have any more children until parents are actually recognized & given the tools needed to do the job properly.

"If you can't take a few years out of your life to get to know this child, the one who will make the difference, then you can just join the numbers of others who just procreate because it's status quo." This comment saddens me. It saddens me because it reads as if it is coming from someone who has not taken the time to walk in another's shoes. It saddens me because I love my son more than life itself, but I don't have the choice of "taking a few years out of my life." If I did try that, my son wouldn't eat or have a roof over his head. I am guessing that since you are here are on skirt! that you are an intelligent and thoughful person. Forgive me if I have misinterpreted your meaning, but it insinuates that if you can't stay home with your children then you simply shouldn't have children at all. I promise you, that even though I work, my son is in no way neglected. I still chauffer him back and forth to practice and Boy Scout's. I still help with the homework and take time to LISTEN to him tell about his day. I still give up my free time at nights and on weekends to see that he has home cooked meals and clean clothes (all of which I do myself since I can't afford a housekeeper or afford to go out to eat very often.) I changed dirty diapers and still "live the doldrums" even though I work instead of staying home. I think that as women, we all need to take a collective breath and stop to exchange roles for a while. I will be the first to admit that I sometimes feel unwarranted prejudices towards stay at home moms. Why? Because I have never been one. I think to myself, "What do those women do every day while their kids are at school and their husbands at work?" Of course, this thought is tinged with a little jealousy, and imaginings of all the things I could do if I didn't have to work. Things that I'm sure I would never actually be able to do in real life. The only way to end the mommy wars (if such a thing is even possible) is if women as a whole agree to a cease-fire from snarky comments and open ourselves up to communication. Talk openly and honestly about our lives, and more importantly, really hear what other women have to say without jumping to conclusions or tuning them out so we can formulate our next argument. Don't go into the discussion convinced that you MUST make other women come around to your opinion. That is how we alienate one another. Go into it with open hearts and open arms and share the differences and similarities of our lives.

...and I think it's important for everyone to remember that.

 

Just as it's important for none of us here to advocate a "one size fits all" approach to mothering, it's important not to limit ourselves to that appraoch, either.  It's impossible to know what your child will need before s/he's even here.  Case in point: I'm also an academic, and I always thought once my children were a certain age, I'd use early preschool programs and return to the work force.  Instead, my oldest son developed a pretty severe speech delay, which heavily influenced my decision.  If he can't tell me what his day is like away from me, what happens there and how he feels about it, he's not going, and I'm going to stay home and help him until his communication catches up with his intelligence and sensitivity.  It's really hard financially since my husband is also a professor, but it's turned out to be the best decision for us, hands-down.  And one thing I know is it's not something I could have predicted.

 

I've also learned new things about myself in the process, which is valuable.  We shouldn't, any of us, attempt to know how we will always feel or what we will always do, or what our children will or won't need.  They're little humans, after all, whose needs and ideas will most likely be different than our own, just as the essay states. :-)