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Renee CK

writer, editor, tweetable http://twitter.com/chicskirt

I'm a fun girl who's on a quest to figure it all out. I'm cynical but living the dream- I'm not sure how that happened exactly. Follow along in my blog for fun, mayhem, and merriment. There's never a dull day! (Or, go download my book!)...

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The Gym Fart

let's talk about it

Seems I’m not the only Skirt!setter settin’ her sights on tighter and toner- writeousbabe’s entry this morning actually goes farther- she’s eating right too.  I won’t imply that I’m not keeping an eye on my calories (I did opt for my usual skinny late with sugarfree hazelnut instead of the yummy sounding caramel machiatto the barister offered me) but for me, the real power moves are made in the gym if I wanna get smaller.

Which leads me to this morning and me back in the gym.  I had a nice little note from my trainer reminding me that regular exercise is beneficial...yadda, yadda.  If she’s the trainer I think she is (my original one who had lost 100 lbs despite her husband leaving her, their 4 boys, and the country left the Y over a year ago and I haven’t been bothered to find out who my new one is) then she’s had “work” done and can’t inspire me much.  I’m sorry but I’m all about the natural.  Then again, one of my first post weight loss plans is to get a body lift and boobs if I need them.  I digress.  After years of doing this, I know the importance and health benefits of regular exercise.  I also have many great reasons for not doing it.

After logging into Fitlinxx, again, the greatest fitness tool devised by man, I did my circuit and hopped on the arc trainer.  Now, I could be nice and tell you that the gym fart, the subject of today’s blog, is the person who farts around in the gym; notably today, the old man sitting on the tricep extension waiting for his wife I think but effectively blocking my working out.  But, I believe past history proves that I’m not polite or PC.  No, what I’m talking about is the fart you get after about 23 minutes on a piece of cardio equiptment. 

Yup. You know it. You’ve had it.  Let’s talk about it.  You’re up there, moving your groove thing, and your lower digestive track, and all the little bubbles merge to form one big one that is now working it’s way down and out.  Suddenly your distance, calories burned, pace, heart rate, nothing else matters other than this bubble moving it’s way quickly to your anus and squeezing your buttcheeks together to prevent it’s escape.  You are convinced everyone has seen that you’re in a weird place in your workout.  Past the 15 minutes you would do if you were warming up or cooling down to move on to some other equipment, before the 30 you would do, minimum for an actual workout. 

So, you’re stuck there.  You can’t get off.  You know your stride is effected negatively and hope that no one passes by to notice that you look like a new born calf trying to stand up.  You start to look around to see who’s around.  If anyone is around, which are wearing headphones. Hopefully all of them, but maybe not. My luck today was the person next to me wasn’t.  Still, had it been 3 people down, I wouldn’t have trusted myself. 

Let’s say there is enough space around you that there is a chance you can let it go, which is starting to sound like a pretty good idea because it’s only getting worse, and now you’ve got goosebumps from fighting with your own body.  You start to think about trying to let a little go, a test run if you will, but that’s unwise considering the force you feel gathering behind it.  You can try to eek some out, but most likely once you let one out, it’ll be like trying to herd kittens- it just ain’t gonna happen.  And it’s going to go one of two ways- loud or soft.  You can hope for soft, but then you have to consider the other factor- smell.  Even if you have the great fortune to let this growing typhoon out quietly, you still have to worry that you are going to insult the senses of the people around you who are huffing and puffing.  And, yeah, you can play it off, look up and around to make eye contact with everyone else who’s wondering “who was that?”, or you can keep your head down and pretend you’re re-checking your heart rate.  Neither is a safe choice.

Then you think you can actually keep this all under control somehow. The bubble shifts, you squeeze enough and hit a stride that holds everything at bay, but the resistance and incline switch up on you.  And it’s going to do this every 5 minutes for the next 30 minutes. 

Hey, watch all the Michael Phelp’s interviews you want. It’s obvious he’s been doing some work in the gym.  I bet he’s not going to give the 411 on his gym farts.  At least in the pool they just inflate his swim pants a smidge.  I’m the only one brave enough to address the, um, growing problem. 

Enjoy!
Renee