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Hubby surprised me with a 15th wedding anniversary present:  A new king sized bed.  Not just ANY bed:  It is a Vera Wang, extra uber plush, overpriced and an unbelievably comfortable huge piece of furniture.  It is so plush that I have worried that I would sink so low into it when I lay down that the normally flat stomach one gets at a certain age onlyin a horizontal position will now be concave and one of my rolls might show. Or two.

 

Hubby, Jack,  says he bought it because it has special coils that won't rust at the beach.  Did our other coils rust? No. Hope it was worth the extra $1000 bucks.

Jack thought, “Why don’t we sell our used bed on Craigslist?”

Me:  Ohmigod!  That is soooo gross.  I would never want to sell a bed that had been used for 10 years!

Jack: Geez, after you take off the hermetically sealed allergenic proof and waterproof mattress pad you put on there 10 years ago, the mattress looks almost brand new.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with it and someone could get a great deal.

Me:  That is really really gross.  Just the thought of someone sleeping on my old bed is sick.  Plus, what kind of sick person would even want to sleep on someone’s bed after they’d used it for 10 years? I would NEVER sleep on a used bed!

Jack:  You don’t want to go to 5 star hotels anymore?

Jack:  And, it’s been a lucky bed.

Me:  A lucky bed?

Jack:  Yes, we’ve had some fanfreakingtastic romps on that bed.  If one guy thought he could have the close to the kind of romps he fantasizes about on our bed, he’d pay a lot of money...probably more than I paid for the Vera Wang bed.

Me:  Think!  I am not Paris Hilton and we did not make a video on that bed (at least not that anyone knows about or has been podcast).

Jack:  Yeah, but we’re both sex therapists and some guy out there will think it’s lucky.

Me:  No way....do some guys in their sexual desperation really think that way?

Jack:  Yeah.

Me:  No way.  I don’t even want people having freaky fantasies over my old bed. Call Goodwill. That is gross.

Jack has been spending this entire conversation searching through Craig’s list, hoping to find the perfect spot to post an ad, which I did not even want to read, for “A Lucky Bed,” when  he blurts out, “Nah, if you think that is gross, you should see what I found under “casual sex.”

Me:  Do they advertise for that?  (I am obviously a cultural klutz;  I have never been on Craig’s List, although I am proud to say that I have heard of it, including the guy who bartered a paper clip and kept bartering until he got a house).

Jack:  Yeah.  There’s a whole bunch of them, looking for partners for tonight and this weekend.

I just look at him with my “you’ve got to be kidding,” while parting a disgusted “ew” look on my face, but saying volumes with silence.

Jack:  Some have pictures.

Me:  Noooo...like naked ones?

I was obviously way behind in the Craig’s List scene.  I thought it was like, well, the local newspaper and definately PG rated. 

I was wrong.  Please don’t go look at the pictures on Craig’s List for casual sex.  It is gross.  It is even worse than thinking about buying a used bed.  AND...I definately do not want anyone whose body parts I saw (Ok...I had to look at a couple to get the idea, wouldn’t you?) to buy my old bed or sleep on it or anything else for that matter.

Goodwill needs to make their boxes bigger.  You can’t fit a king sized mattess in those little dollhouses in the Walmart parking lot you know.