blog entry

The Real "EX" Files

Sleeping with my husband and Ex

Unbelievably, my husband came home for lunch today and found my ex-husband in our house in his underwear.

I wasn’t home.

My daughter, who is temporarily living with me with her 2 year old twins, let her father in the house just minutes after I had left for work. I don’t remember if I exactly told my daughter that her father wasn’t allowed in our house. I do remember that I told Ex that he couldn’t walk around my house in his underwear That was, oh, about 12 years ago, one of the first times I slept with my husband and my Ex under the same roof.

My daughter knew he wasn’t allowed to stay overnight, which he had done on many occasions when she was growing up. He lived out of state and I would allow him to stay at our house to visit his children while I usually left to go stay at our beach condo or go on a business trip or even take a vacation. It had worked out well for a while as I put aside our ex-marital differences in order to do what was best for the children, which was to allow their father to stay in our house. Our kids didn’t have to pack all their weekend soccer and swim and baseball gear to have a weekend visitation, he didn’t have to pay for a hotel room, and sometimes we got a free babysitter.

Many people couldn’t believe that I allowed my ex to not only enter my house and move beyond the welcome rug rule, but actually stayed for a week at a time! I didn’t intend to have an ex relationship that included his sleeping under the same roof under which I slept with my husband, Jack. The first time was not planned. We didn’t figure in the need for long term ex plan. It was only going to be a one night stand. My daughter was 6 and had just had her tonsils removed. The procedure was outpatient and Jack and I were planning to take my daughter back to her bed in our home. Ex wanted to stay with her during the recovery. She was so sick and only 6 years old and she really wanted to be with ALL of her parents. In the hospital that day, she had to have a shot. She was deathly afraid of shots and she was refusing to allow it. I couldn’t get her to do it, her biological father couldn’t get her to do it, but Jack had dealt with the shot phobia very successfully in the past.  Ex and I stood out in the hospital corridor while the stepfather was the very best at addressing her pressing needs. I think that moment was when Ex realized that our daughter truly had three parents:  one mom, two dads, and it was going to take all of us together to be the bestest parents of  my two children. Jack agreed with me to allow Ex to stay in the house, sleeping in my daughter’s room, on one condition:  we had to have really loud sex so Ex would hear it down the hallway.  Uh, yeah, that didn’t happen, but it was a really funny thought and joke at the time.  Actually, my daughter got very sick from the codeine pain medication and Ex took complete care of her, including changing her bedsheets and washing them, while I enjoyed a full night sleep.  Everyone behaved and the kids were thrilled to have all of their parents together for the first time ever.

Many Ex weekends and weeks took place over the next 10 years.  But the Ex relationship became bizarre and stranger than fiction when our kids became teenagers.

Ex hasn’t been allowed in my house ever since he tried to have my husband arrested for assaulting our daughter.  My then out of control 17 year old teenage daughter was screaming, cursing, and yelling at me because I took away her car keys when she refused to put away her laundry.  My husband told her to get out of the house, to get her to stop verbally badgering me.  She tried to come back in and he blocked her at the front door. Ex, an attorney, told my daughter that block was “the legal definition of assault” and urged her to call the police.  The police, of course, realized no assault had taken place...but we were a bit disturbed  that the police came to our door at 2 am 4 hours later (uh, why are you here?) and that Ex was once again undermining our parenting of the teenage kids.  It is hard enough to parent teens, but it is impossible when your ex tells them not to follow our rules (including having parties), smoking pot is OK, and don’t respect mom or Jack (your mom always was a biotch).  Ex LOUDLY verbally abused me in front of my daughter on the front lawn (more of the biotch word, etc.), which was the last straw.  Ex was informed he could not come to nor stay at our home anymore. Teenage years are very tough and we are not quite done yet.

So, finding Ex in my home in his boxers was shocking and bizarre.  My daughter had asked him to put the twins to bed while she was busy.  Guess he needed to take a shower and change. He knew he wasn’t welcome, but he just did what he wanted to, as usual.  After 17 years, I was once again reminded why I was not married to him anymore.  Another entry into the X files for me. Time does not heal all wounds, so I will not being sleeping with two men ever again under the same roof.