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Staci Backauskas

When I couldn’t find a job after getting my journalism degree, I went back to school and got an EMT license – a pivotal choice that created the set point for my life. I caught a lot of flack for putting the employment search on hold. Some said I was impatient; others accused me of being too ar...

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God's A Funny Guy

Staci B

Cleaning the pool one day, I discovered a cockroach floating in the water under the lid of the skimmer basket.  The Buddhist in me wanted to save it.  The human in me was appalled.  I watched it struggle in the water, trying to find a surface to grip so it could escape.  After a moment or two, I could no longer bear the gnawing inside.  I couldn’t purposely allow it to drown.  It was within my power to save this creature I had long perceived as hideous.

Unwilling to touch it, I lifted up the basket, capturing the roach among the leaves and twigs caught inside.  I gently dumped it on the pool deck and watched as it tried to find some footing after what my human mind imagined was a frightening adventure.  It felt good to have preserved life, to have contributed to sustaining the eco chain.

As it staggered about, many thoughts ran through my head.  Having always been revolted by cockroaches, I surmised gratefully that perhaps I’d finally learned to love the parts of me that I once found disgusting.  I also was proud for overcoming the terror I felt for the members of the Pariplaneta genus – we’d had a long history of conflict.  And I congratulated myself for rising above my fears and rescuing it.

I watched the cockroach gather its strength and begin to scurry along the pool deck toward the fence.  Just as it reached the post, a lizard catapulted over a stone and ate it. I looked to the sky with a smile.  “Good one, God,” I laughed.  “Good one.”

In hindsight, it’s easy to see ego’s fingerprints all over the experience. Whether wearing the veil of the “spiritual” or the mask that believes as humans we need to feel validated for a job well done, ego was involved.  The blessing is in the recognition. 

Instead of becoming angry, frustrated, resentful, or confused, I giggled at its pathetic attempt to take control.  This allowed me to remember ego is not real, which magically transported me back to the now.  I recognized the subconscious attachment I had to the outcome of my “benevolent” act.  I was reminded, as I always am, that the results are not up to me.

 See the jester for who it is.  Laugh at the carrot ego dangles and choose not to tumble down the rabbit hole.  Return to the now, which offers the knowledge that ego is merely a figment of your imagination – an illusory enemy that doesn’t even exist.  It is here you will find the peace beneath the chaos.