blog entry

bone to pick: forgiveness?

I just finished reading " bone to pick: of forgiveness, reconciliation, reparation, & revenge" by ellis cose

I had picked up about a month ago at the library and didn't bother reading it, was actually going to just take it back ot the library a few weeks ago but during the move, I found myself looking for something to just look through and opened it up to the chapter titled: "Harmony Out of Chaos" and was immediately drawn in to what this guy had to say.

I've spent a lot of my past angry at certain people: different people in my family at different times, ex-boyfriends, friends who I felt had let me down, etc. The list goes on.

And anger can keep me going. I can block any emotional pain with staying angry. It's very easy for me to do.

I don't cry or act sad when me feelings have been hurt. I get mean and cutting and sarcastic. Because that's how I've always kept my heart from feeling the full hurt of whatever I was going through.

But staying angry takes a toll on your soul and mind over time.

I don't know when it was but at some point in time, I just got tired of being so angry about everything. So I started "putting my house in order" so to speak. I've forgiven a lot of stuff that's happened to me. I've forgiven a lot of people. Some of those people probably don't know and really don't give a crap but it means something internally, to ME.

I am more at peace now than at any other time in my life. I still have a long way to go and a lot of things to lay to rest but I'm getting better at it.

After the upheavals of most of my life: a borderline abusive Dad, a Mom that has done a lot of things that i still am having a hard time dealing with, all the divorces, all the moves, all the damage I did to myself as a teen, the bad marriage with Nathan and the fallout from that, other unfortunate relationships, etc.

While my life has not been extraordinarily difficult, it's been emotionally and mentally difficult to deal with on my own personal level. There are people out there that had it/have it a million times worse than I ever could imagine but that doesn't stop me from feeling the pain and feelings that I do feel.

So, as I grow older, I really want just peace and harmony. I'm tired of dramatics. I'm tired of liars. I'm tired of being so disappointed in people.

I have found though that in order to bring that peace and harmony into my own life, I am going to have to go through the fire of dealing with the feelings and trying to reconcile certain things and events that I may never know the truth about, on my own.

There were many passages in this book that just caused goosebumps to form all over me but it has helped remind me of one of my personal goals and what I need to do in order to attain them.