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Staci Backauskas

When I couldn’t find a job after getting my journalism degree, I went back to school and got an EMT license – a pivotal choice that created the set point for my life. I caught a lot of flack for putting the employment search on hold. Some said I was impatient; others accused me of being too ar...

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The Process of Pops

Staci B

I long for the one big pop that will signify the muscles of my pelvic girdle have finally relaxed enough to surrender their grip on the tail of my spine.The pain has been outrageous at times, more subtle at others, but always present – like a sad memory.

The medical condition is known as sciatica, where either tight muscles or a bulging disk disturb the sciatic nerve, causing agony in the lower back and lightning bolts of pain to shoot down the outside of the right leg.I want my reward for having dealt with it for the last two weeks to be a large resounding noise that praises my patience, diligence, and commitment to healing.

That’s probably not going to happen.Change is usually a series of small pops, carefully timed by some outside force, and bestowed in a manner in which we can handle it.As I stand at the kitchen counter, sitting for long periods still too painful, I recognize the small sounds that I’ve heard when I’ve paid attention.

A week ago, I couldn’t get out of bed without sobbing.Today, I’m moving in the pool, cooking, and driving.Huge accomplishments and a long way from where I was ten days ago.And if I listen carefully, I hear my body’s every crack, pop, and tinkle as muscles relax and shift, joints open and the bones of my skeleton begin to dance again.

This has not been merely a physical process.I know that the physical condition was brought on by a multitude of emotional releases caused by making different choices.Because change never happens on one level.I’ve known for a while that when an emotional shift of this magnitude occurs, a bodily reaction is sure to follow.

For the first time in twenty years, I went home to Pittsburgh and took control, doing what made me comfortable, no longer afraid of the consequences of someone not liking my choices. The shadow of worrying about whose feelings would be hurt if I did or didn’t do a particular thing were still present.Yet, finally, they weren’t large enough or dark enough to prevent me from doing what I needed to for myself.

I learned this self-sacrificing behavior as a child interacting with my family – to avoid the cost of not doing what was expected.It became part of who I believed I was and I spent a good part of my life putting others first, making excuses for their behavior – especially when it hurt me – and finding the blessings through the tears.I don’t do that anymore.Sometimes the memory of guilt wafts in like an old friend, and I remind myself that it’s nothing more than a magnetic pull to old behavior that’s unnecessary.

Years of therapy, spiritual practice, and paying attention to cause and effect allowed me to see that my relationships have always reflected where I stood.The way I treated myself changed and I found myself leaving friends who held me hostage when I didn’t live up to their expectations and finding ones who encourage me to take care of myself.

Thousands of tiny changes in thinking and behavior brought me to this place.A place where not only do I behave in a way that honors me in friendships, but within the very dynamic that caused the dysfunction.It took two decades of torturing myself for not wanting go home and not understanding why to release a pattern that caused much suffering.Myriad tiny pops that enabled me to make choices that cause my soul sing and joy to echo around me.I know my body will catch up.