blog entry

I LOVE MY PUDDING!

Thank God I'm Not A Zebra

So I think I'm a little obsessed with chocolate pudding. I started this"South Beach Diet" crazy business approximately 4 weeks ago, when I realized that my ass was regularly trying to escape out of the bottom of my underwear. Also, when lying in bed on my side (because that's the way we all know we should position ourselves if we are going to be gazed upon in the biblical sense) no longer works, my next option was now covering my wine bellysac (I made up that ever so appropriate word) with a pillow held as tightly as I normally hold a doughnut in the morning. Adding to my panic attack was the fact that my husband and I recently booked a cruise to Mexico for September, OF THIS YEAR. This is meant to be an adult vacation with another couple (they have a separate room, for I am not THAT liberal), and the female half of that couple is ten years younger, and about 60 pounds lighter than yours truly. If we were going to Alaska, I wouldn't be nearly as concerned, BUT, we are going to MEXICO, on a boat, when it's warm. Bathing suit vacation, whether I like it or not. Please welcome the SBD (South Beach Diet). The first two weeks sucked, as I could live forever on baked potato sandwiches, with mayo, made on Sunbeam or Wonderbread (white, of course), topped off with some steaming white rice and butter. UMMM NO! I could eat nothing white, nothing fruity, and nothing in a nice cream sauce with a bottle of wine on the side. This was possibly worse, as I am ALMOST a wino. I love a nice bottle of wine with friends, with dinner, with pancakes, who doesn't? Not this time. This was now the time to suck it up and realize that I was no longer 18, no longer skinny, and no longer able to make it up the steps with my spawn at the end of the day without needing to breathe into a paper bag when we finally got to the top. I made it through the first two weeks, and am now about 8 lbs, lighter. This is the first time I have successfully lost weight without pills galore, so needless to say, I am right proud! I have also recently added the SBD sugar free pudding at the end of my day, as well as welcomed the return of my beloved wine, though in much smaller quantities. It's all good! Maybe it's me, but I just find it a little strange that in my dreams, at least three nights a week, I am sitting at a Biltmore-style, grand table filled with roasted veggies, cottage cheese, celery, fake eggs, and, last but not least, VATS of chocolate marble pudding. I have a spoon the size of a fireplace shovel, and am hunched down over this cauldron of chocolate bliss like a lion feasting on that poor, stupid zebra that never makes it out of the water on those freaky Discovery Channel shows. Oh well, it could be worse, I guess. I could be a really slow zebra.