I am within 2 months of turning 40. In my mind’s eye, I envision an ornate doorway, complete with arch with all the trepidation of my 30’s firmly behind me. I imagine that the door to my 40’s will open and there before me will lie all of the wonderment of maturity and soundness of mind. I imagine that as soon as I cross this threshhold in my mind’s eye, I will become wiser, smarter, and more resolute in my desicion making. When I was a little girl, I thought that turning 40 was like the black death and to be avoided at all costs. Then my grandmother reminded me that the alternative to getting old was to die, needless to say, I reevaluated my philosophy. The women in my family are strong, funny, smart and have aged with a grace I can only imagine. Their faith and committment to family is what saw them through failed marraiges, illness, poverty and the general stress in life. They instilled a desire for reading and education, believing that if you excelled in those areas, your life would be so much better in the long run. Education, my grandmother believed, gave you opitions that otherwise would not come. I did and still do believe that, so much so that I'm currently looking for a doctoral program to apply to. Not because I have to have it, but because with it , I believe comes more options. So standing in my imaginary doorway to 40, I may not be able to see all that lies ahead, but because of the foundation I have been given, I know that the name of the doorway is “possibilities”.

Reflections

I love reflection and I take every chance I can to evaluate where I am and where I’m going. Writing this essay reminded me where I am in life and where I ultimately want to be. Sometimes, introspection is not clearly defined because the emotional self wants to analyze it for every tiny thing. Some things just “are”. Some things will need to be changed and some things need to be left alone. I appreciate the opportunity to speak about those things that drive me, those things that give me passion and those unique things that make me “me”.

~Felisa L. Ware