I Won The Lottery!

Well, not today. But I will. I’m convinced that I actually will. I know it from the bottom of my heart, a truth so true that I can feel it from the bottom of my toes and I giggle as it works it’s way up to my head. I’m winning the Powerball, betches. (Cue wavy “dream sequence” fade out. . .cue music.)

“I’ve got dre-e-eams. Dreaaaaams to rememberrrrrrrruhhhhh. I’ve got dreams. Dreeaaams to rememberrrrahhh.”

I’m in a glassy-eyed days DAZE (sheesh) as they make the check out to me. Not one of those big “Publisher’s Clearing House” checks, but a real, bona-fide check in the amount of tens of millions of dollars! Fifty million? Eight million? I can’t see straight, because my eyes won’t focus. They’re bouncing around the room, left-right-left-right. A maniacal laugh escapes me and I rub my hands together in the Mister Burns-iest of ways. Muah ha ha ha haaaaaa! The deliciousness of the moment is so overwhelming. I shreik.

I ask “Are we done here?”

“Yes,” says the man in the suit handing the check (and appropriate tax forms over to me). “Congratu. . .”

PYONG!!!!

I’m out the door, racing, looking left, looking right and raising my arms in triumph to the sky, I offer up “Aiyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Whoot! Whooot! Whoooooooooooooot!” and bolt to my car.  I am a Muppet on crack.

I zoom to the bank and make my extremely large deposit. I tell the stunned teller that I’ll be back to funnel it into the appropriate types of accounts. . .as soon as I talk with the only lawyer on this planet that I know and trust when it comes to matters of protecting big money. But first, I have to. . .

Tumble outta bed
And stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition
Yawnin, stretchin, try to come to life
Jump in the shower
And the blood starts pumpin
Out on the streets
The traffic starts jumpin
And folks like me on the job from 9 to 5

. . .make my way to my office and knock on the door of the kindly HR manager.

Workin 9 to 5!
What a way to make a livin!
Barely gettin by
Its all takin
And no givin!
They just use your mind!
And they never give you credit!
Its enough to drive you
Crazy if you let it!!!!

. . .and tell him, that in no uncertain terms, that while my time here was most excellent. . .and full of growth, money and appreciation. . .I’ll no longer be working there. . .because I’m, like, so friggin rich.

(cue “Billy Jean” by Michael Jackson)

I’ll don a glittery glove and moonwalk out the door. Doot! Doot! Doot! Doot! (Don’t ask. I’ve just always dreamt of leaving a job that way.)

It’s not that my job is BAD. (Actually, it is.) No. (Yes.) It’s just that. . .well, what would YOU do if you won tens of millions of dollars? Keep working there? Uh. No. I’ve got dreeeeeeams. Dreaaams I’ve remembered (nowthatIhaveallofthiscash). I’ve got dreeeeeaaaams. Dreeeeeams to remembahhhhh. (and they involve living on the side of a mountain in Costa Rica) Dreeeeams. Dreaaams I now remembahhh.

I dunno. What would you do? And please. Skip the part about “charity” and what you’d give to your church. I don’t wanna hear any of that doooogoooder talk. I want to know what YOU would DO with it, once your philanthropic responsibilities were met.

Would you start the business you’ve always dreamed of?

Would you simply make it your job to manage the money?

Would you see all the sites of the world until the money just ran out? Knowing, that when it did and you had to go back to work, that you would still be oh-so-satisfied because your feet were once walking on the island of Pompei or you met with monks in Bhutan?

Would you buy something outlandish. . .like a bunny farm? A pet shelter? A home for wayward turtles?

Would you adopt a child, now that you could afford to raise it? (LOL)

Or would you, like me, take ALLLLLL that money and squirel it away, giving yourself an allowance of an income equal (or maybe a little bit more) to that which you are making now? (After the initial Costa Rican investment property purchase, of course), give all of your shoes away to those shod in a less fortunate manner, and while away the rest of your life, splashing about in the sea, hosting holiday parties for Costa Rican orphans or reading books to the children at the local school. . living happily ever after on rice, eggs and beans, shooing toucans off your porch and telling the monkeys to quiet down?

If the day ever comes, you will find one more message from me via my blog. To quote Dave Chappelle, it will say I’M RICH, BEYOTCH!  (giggle)

Can you tell I’m in an “up” mode? (giggle)

Well, I AM. Who knows how long it will last? And, toward that end, I offer THIS song to you. . .it’s been stuck in my head now for about 15 minutes. Enjoy. (No reason. It’s just there. . .)

I could while away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain.
And my head I'd be scratchin' while 
my thoughts were busy hatchin'
If I only had a brain.
I'd unravel every riddle for any individ'le, 
In trouble or in pain.
With the thoughts you'll be thinkin'
you could be another Lincoln
If you only had a brain.
Oh, I could tell you why The ocean's near the shore.
I could think of things I never thunk before.
And then I'd sit, and think some more.
I would not be just a nothin' my head all full of stuffin'
My heart all full of pain.
I would dance and be merry, life would be a ding-a-derry,
If I only had a brain.

When a man's an empty kettle
He should be on his mettle
And yet I'm torn apart
Just because I'm presumin'
That I could be kind of human
If I only had a heart

I'd be tender, I'd be gentle
And awful sentimental
Regarding love and art
I'd be friends with the sparrows
And the boy that shoots the arrows
If I only had a heart

Picture me a balcony
Above a voice sings low

(Snow White)
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

(Tin Man)
I hear a beat, how sweet!

Just to register emotion, jealousy, devotion
And really feel the part
I could stay young and chipper
And I'd lock it with a zipper
If I only had a heart

Yeah, it's sad, believe me Missy
When you're born to be a sissy
Without the vim and verve
But I could show my prowess
Be a lion, not a mowess
If I only had the nerve

I'm afraid there's no denyin'
I'm just a dandylion
A fate I don't deserve
I'd be brave as a blizzard

(Tin Man)
I'd be gentle as a lizard

(Scarecrow)
I'd be clever as a gizzard

(Dorothy)
If the Wizard is a wizard who will serve

(Scarecrow)
Then I'm sure to get a brain

(Tin Man)
A heart

(Dorothy)
A home

(Cowardly Lion)
The nerve