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Super Secret Agent Spy

I am a writer. And a doodler. And an eater of Twizzlers. And the mother of MuShu, the wonder puppy. I love long walks on the beach, fast cars, fine din. . .whoops. Wrong website. . ....

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Naked Halloween. . .

Amy Fagan

We had a great time at Halloween last year. I had a riot of a costume. If you’re not familiar with the internet phenomenon that is Liam Kyle Sullivan and his character, Kelly, you won’t understand why my costume was such a riot.

Here’s what got me hooked on LKS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCF3ywukQYA .  I watched this video every single day for over a year and laughed my ass off. . .every single day. Now, as I only watch it once a month. . .I still laugh.

Anyway, I went as “Kelly” from the video (as you can see here):

It was really funny.

Anyway, my husband (as “Dog, The Bounty Hunter” – complete with mullet and puka shells. . .) showed up to the party. There were lots of FUN costumes and some very scary ones, too. There was a really good Edward Scissor Hands, a group came as the T-Birds and Pink Ladies from the movie “Grease,” a woman riding a flamingo made me laugh my head off. One of the best ones (but slight X-Rated) was a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake from the whole “D**k in a Box” video phenom. He was dressed just like J.T. and had a beautifully wrapped gift box strapped to his crotch. He was VERY thorough in re-creating his costume, as there was a HUGE rubber phallus inside the box as well. It was awesome.

Even better still, there was a Sherlock Holmes who brought a long his giant Mastiff and said he was “Sherlock Holmes in “The Hounds of the Baskervilles.” It was great. . .until THEY showed up. . .

THEY being the sylph-like creatures who make up for what they lack in imagination, but shoving their hooters in everyone’s face.

THEY being the naughty-nanettes of the evening, donning the costumes that start with the word “Sexy. . .” in their description.

Sexy Vampire.  O.K., I can see that. Vampires are kind of erotic, with all the neck biting and sucking and what not. I grant the Sexy Vampire a pass.

Sexy School Girl. Alrightie. I can see how this would make a pedophile want to give you some candy. . .or alcohol. . .or a roophy. (”Roofie.”) As silly and mildly disturbing as I find this particular costume, I will also grant the Sexy School Girl a pass based on the fact that the iconic costume has been around for decades. Lolita? Perhaps. . .But I don’t think Lolita had crow’s feet and “Aunt Ida” wrinkles around her mouth from smoking. But whatever. . .you wanna harken back to the days of seducing the principal, that’s fine with me.

Sexy MilkMaid. Again, mildly passable. Guys have been crushing on milk maids and adoring the welcoming bosom of beer maids as well. Can’t fault you there. . .

Beyond these three “sexy” costumes, I start getting a little cranky.

At this party, we had:

Sexy FBI Agent/Cop. Seriously. In a little jumpsuit that consisted of shorts with a two-inch inseam and an top unzipped to her belly button, the Sexy FBI agent was annoying. There is NOTHING sexy about the FBI. . .unless you’re watching t.v. Mostly FBI agents audit you and come to harrass and arrest you for tax evasion. There is NOTHING sexy about that. No. The Sexy FBI Agent costume needs to GO.

Sexy Little Bo Peep. Why on God’s green earth do people feel the need to sully the reputation of nursery rhyme characters??? As if Bo Peep doesn’t have enough problems; lost sheep and all. Now, you’re running around in her visage and instead of frilly pantaloons, you’re wearing a frilly, ruffled bikini bottom and a skirt shorter than my temper in the middle of summer. Are you SERIOUS? How would you like it if I went as “SEXY MOTHER GOOSE,” HUH? I could let my boobs hang out of the bottom of my shirt, snap garters to my granny-panties and let my belly roll hang over my girdle. . .sheesh. Sexy, isn’t it?

Sexy Nurse. I know. . .I *should* be giving this one a pass on the same basis in which I allowed Sexy School Girl to escape ridicule. However,  having spent a large part of this year in and out of hospitals, I’m going to take issue with the image of “Sexy Nurse.” When men see “Sexy Nurse,” they think of sponge baths, gentle pube-shaving, perhaps spoonfeeding. Instead, why not go as a real nurse? Overworked, underpaid and jabbing a needle into every arm that passes you? That’s a nurse costume I’d like to see.

Oh. . .I know. I sound like the Scrooge of Halloween, don’t I? I’m just annoyed that Halloween has become an excuse for otherwise normal, thinking human beings to wear next to nothing out in public. If you’re that much of an exhibitionist. . .do us all a favor and dress that way all the time. It will free you up to wear more interesting costumes during the year.

Now please excuse me while I go re-think mine. I have an authentic kimono. I wonder if I should go as Geisha?

xoxo