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Hope Elizabeth
consultant / teacher
A long and windy road, with lots of backtracking has lead me to where I am now. I grew up on a dirt road in the middle of the woods in South Alabama. I attended the same small school from kindergarten through 12th grade. Perfect student, perfect child. Went to college about 30 miles away from home a...
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Friends Vs. Family

Friday, October, 24, 2008

I am very sad this week, and have been contemplating whether or not it is possible to remain friends with someone who has decided that she can’t stand your husband. Can’t stand him to the point of saying she does not ever want to be around him again.

Now, it is true that he comes across as arrogant and abrasive – that is just his personality. Lots of people get the wrong impression of him and decide that they don’t like him. But underneath it all he is a big teddy bear, and she has spent enough time with us to realize that. Plus this came out of the blue, she has never indicated that she had a problem with him so I never even saw it coming. She actually reminds him of his evil step mother (and she really was evil), but he has always set that aside and has made an effort to be friends with her because he loves me. He has always made an effort to include her son in things he does with our son – he has taken both boys to see monster trucks on several occasions. And he is always encouraging me to invite them over for dinner (she is a single mom and doesn’t do much other than work and church).

I love her because she is the type of friend that you can spend hours on the phone with, or you can get together and craft and really not say much of anything. That kind of close friendship that allows you to just be comfortable in one another’s presence, and to be their when the other one needs you.

I haven’t told my husband yet. He will be very hurt, and will probably express that through anger and resentment. I don’t expect all my friends to love him, and I don’t expect him to love all my friends. But he does show respect to all my friends, and goes the extra mile to be friendly and make them feel welcome in our home.  We do a lot of things together as a family, so I just don’t see how I can remain friends with someone who refuses to be around him.

I really don’t know why I am blogging about this. I realize that it is scattered and probably doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to an outside reader. I think I am just trying to get all these thoughts and feelings out where I can see them.  Am I wrong to think that a friendship has to end just because the friend can’t stand your husband? Is it even possible to maintain a close friendship with that knowledge hovering between you?


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BCBlogger
BCBlogger
Good Lord! What has he done
Posted Fri, 10/24/2008 - 08:29
Good Lord! What has he done that makes her SO UNHAPPY that she refuses to hang out around him? I mean, personality traits. . .I can get over that. I have friends whom I adore but don't particularly like her husband. And while I think he's a total ass, he's never DONE anything to me, personally. And as far as I know, he's never, like, kicked kittens or anything. Does she have a SPECIFIC problem with him that could be cleared up? Or is she so attached to her unacceptance of him, that it's a lost cause? I feel for ya. Wow. . .I just can't imagine telling a friend of mine that I hated her husband and wouldn't hang with them (unless he did, in fact, kick a kitten. . .)
herlurie
herlurie
Nothing specific
Posted Fri, 10/24/2008 - 11:41
No, he doesn't kick kittens, and she has not mentioned anything specific other than to say that he is arrogant (which he can be). And while he does act kind of cool towards her, he has never been anything but nice and even makes an effort to have normal conversations with her. They have even joked around and poked fun at each other on many occasions (both of them laughing the whole time), which makes this all the more strange and unexpected.
BCBlogger
BCBlogger
Well, then I don't think
Posted Fri, 10/24/2008 - 12:13
Well, then I don't think you're out of line for saying "Look, I love you, but I also love my husband. We have a life together and I would like you to be in it. But if you make the choice to stay away, well, as much as it breaks my heart, I guess it's YOUR decision and there's nothing I can do about it." That way, you're not appearing to be the one making the call. This IS, after all, her decision. You've got nothing to do with it. (Still. ..I think she's being really silly.)
getaclewis
getaclewis
Flashback
Posted Fri, 10/24/2008 - 17:06
Sigh, I was married to an arrogant a** for years and can easily relate to those rejections from friends, simply because they couldn't stomach him and his "way" any longer. I never found an easy solution. Once he was gone, they returned. Funny thing is, I never judged them for that choice. They saw what I couldn't see... but that didn't matter one bit when I was determined to stick by his side. I wholly support your choice to watch her leave... and I support your allegiance to family... and I support her honoring her intuition. Everybody wins something small in this situation... and, sadly, everybody loses big. "Trust Life's unfolding..."