blogger profile

Renee CK

writer, editor, tweetable http://twitter.com/chicskirt

I'm a fun girl who's on a quest to figure it all out. I'm cynical but living the dream- I'm not sure how that happened exactly. Follow along in my blog for fun, mayhem, and merriment. There's never a dull day! (Or, go download my book!)...

READ MORE

Get the Message Already!

me at my worst

I voted today. I was sooooo proud of my blue mark on a red state.  I went to read with my kids’ classes.  It was a good day.

And then I got email...from my husband’s ex.

Now, I can handle most exes.  They were in the past. Waaay in the past.  Thing have changed since then.  But this one was recent. Real recent. Last year to be exact.  In the midst of the whole polyamory 101, he met this girl, and I mean girl, and a friendship bloomed.

I’ve always had a way of reading people and situations.  No matter how much either of them told me that they were friends and no more, no matter how much she told me that she had no intentions towards my husband, I always felt like there was more to the story.  Yes, I am the person who it’s okay to have opposite-sex friends with, but the line between friends and more than friends never seemed to register in this situation.  I hold my husband just as accountable.  He told me she  was too attached and he would address it, but he never did.  There are a number of reasons why he might not have but in the end he didn’t.  And in the end, I had to end it. And let’s just say it didn’t end neatly.  (No authorities have been called in, but everything within legal limits.)

This all happened last October.  I call it Black October.  The main event was ordered to close at the end of that month. In December, hubby received a bulk email message.  We wrote back and asked to be removed from her contacts list.  In April I got a random instant message while using my husband’s computer from someone claiming to be using her chat program.  I had trusted him enough to stop monitoring an email addy he has but have access to.  When I did, there were 2 messages in it from her. I asked him about it and he said he ignored them hoping she’d go away.  He was right- he hadn’t replied to either of them.  We wrote asking to talk to her to end this once and for all. And she threatened to file a restraining order against me. 

Today I got an add request for a social networking site. And this isn’t my business page, this is my personal one.  It doesn’t seem to be a “hey, let’s check my contacts and add people I have just met.” thing.  Even if she was adding people, if she’s like me, because I know she’s residually in my online email contact lists, I make a point of looking for her to make sure she doesn’t get brought into my life again.

Until now I’ve always gone to the dark place by acting on instinct.  Today as I sat there waiting for hubby to come look at the email, I considered my options.  Obviously ignoring her isn’t working.  Hubby’s tried.  Reply to the email with nasty grams and proclaimations of anger, stupidity, and “what the hell do you think you’re doing?”  No. This time I took the middle ground.  I’ve already been sending up wishes for her to find happiness in the relationship she’s reported to be in. So much joy that she doesn’t need to come looking for us anymore.  And, instead of shutting her out or tearing her down, I’m going to turn the other cheek and give her everything she wants.  So I accepted the invite.

Here’s the thing.  When they were doing, whatever the hell it was they were doing, I don’t think she saw me as a person.  I was the other woman. The challenger.  When I was doing relationship dissection, it came to me that this behavior is instilled in us from youth.  Either we’re “the one” or we’re nothing.  There is no in between.  And because she is in that mindset that you can either be in love with a person of the opposite sex or you can’t have a relationship with them at all, I was the competition.  I could not have good qualities if she had any of his affections.  It was all or nothing. And she saw me as nothing.

So maybe now with permission to read my personal blogs and see pictures of my family and read comments from my friends, she’ll see that I am a person who is good. A person who is loved. A person who is loving.

I really don’t have desires beyond that.  I don’t plan on sending loads of hateful comments, nasty jabs at her on her blog.  There isn’t a lot of that on her page anyway which is probably good because I don’t want to know anymore about her.  In fact, I just want her to be happy enough to leave us alone.

Maybe she’ll find the answer to some lingering question by searching my page.  I will admit, it’s interesting to scruitinize your page under the lens of an ex looking for dirt.  I hope that whatever the reason she chose to add me, she’ll find it and be done with us. 

There are some what if’s. I’m playing with fire, for sure.  The “worst case” would be that she would try to befriend me via our pages.  Honestly though, I’ve already been thinking about what caused this scar on my heart these last few days.  It was one of the things I was happy to turn the page on in this new chapter.  But still, that scar is getting a bit redder, more agitated this month.  And then this happens.  I will not be her friend.  I can’t.  I could never trust her.  Never. And I can’t be myself with someone I can’t trust. 

I think I’m still in shock.  I’m still not sure what I did was right.  Now she’s somehow on my radar.  I feel like we’re playing by my rules, something that’s never been done before.  I feel like I have some control now. 

I wish I could feel like this was going to be the end.  But I can’t get a read on that.  If I disappear for a few days, I’m probably in bed with 2 men (Ben & Jerry) in need of something stronger. 

Enjoy.
Renee