Choosing Us
By Alison Piepmeier, Thursday, November 1, 2007, 51 commentsIt’s a familiar story. It started with suspicion—shouldn’t I have started my period?—followed by a few days of silent, churning worry, and then the two pink lines on the urine-soaked pregnancy test. The bathroom—what an oddly appropriate place to find out I was pregnant, since that was where it had happened: an ecstatic, hushed fling on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor a few weeks earlier while my brother and his girlfriend, visiting for the weekend, watched TV in the other room. We’d used contraception, but apparently they’re not kidding about those failure rates.
So then, like the unlucky main character in every after-school special about the Girl Who Was Stupid and Got Herself Pregnant, I cried for three hours.
Except, unlike those after-school special girls, who always decide to either keep the baby or give it up for adoption, I wanted an abortion. Even more unlike those girls, I was also an adult (31), and in a stable relationship: Walter and I had been married for five years. This was not an ideological dilemma for me. I’m an outspoken feminist who rode on a bus for thirty hours with a bunch of students to march for reproductive rights in Washington. I get dirty looks from fellow motorists because of my bumper sticker that says, “Keep Abortion Safe, Legal, and Accessible.” I do clinic defense. Starting in high school, I’ve always kept a few hundred dollars tucked away in case I ever needed to terminate an unplanned pregnancy.
I made an appointment at the abortion clinic for the next week.
And yet, as a happily married couple in our thirties, in good physical health, with jobs and health insurance, Walter and I were pretty good candidates for parenthood. But we didn’t want a baby, a state of affairs that made us feel a bit ungrateful, as if the universe had shown up at our door with a gift—a package full of possibilities—and we were slamming the door shut without even taking a look. I had girlfriends who had gone through agony in a quest for children, had miscarriages and invasive, crazy-making fertility treatments, and here we were, experiencing effortless fertility and then planning to toss it. Magical thinking kicked in, and I wondered, are you even allowed to reject a gift like that without disastrous consequences?
So Walter and I decided to think about it for a while; I canceled the first clinic appointment and made another for a few weeks later.



















51 Comments
Disgusting. Love story?
Anne Sexton has a poem to
Re: Anne Sexton and the selfishness of having children
Assumptions should not be
Assumptions should not be made about other people's actions in this way (I will assume you were not in the bathroom when the sex occurred?) When I became pregnant and had an abortion my fiancé and I used hormonal birth control, a condom, and my eating disorder had prevented regular ovulation for years (ps is it isn't easy to know every month-that's why other methods of birth control are important all month- they just are never a promise. I was the smallest percent chance and it happened, unfortunately it was not a blessing and the selfish move on my part would have been bearing an unhealthy baby. Alison seems to have a good grasp on her actions (as most women who go through an abortion eventually find before they do it) it made her relationship stronger (as did mine) and she and her husband were now aware of what was missing ion their parental desires then- the thing to wait for before the have kids. Because when you have a baby, you cannot come first again. It is almost child abuse in my opinion to have a baby you can't love at that time.
What?????
thank you!
Kudos to you & thx for sharing.
You just don't get it!
If I were you I think I'd
If I were you I think I'd have to think in terms of "my body will give me a baby when we are both ready" (I am sorry you had to go through those things, but you clearly have faith, and it is always easier and better for the future baby when you are not experiencing stress, hate etc. Maybe you can respect the idea that some women experience the opposite body thing- they know in their minds that baby will come at the emotionally appropriate time. It's just as fair for the future child, I mean more fair, to be the child of parents who are ready to really be part of his/her life. We all are lucky if our mothers were born during the time when safe choices were legal. I love my mother enough that I would respect her decision not to have had me. And who has the right to say I wouldn't come as another baby later in her life?
Had a little trouble with this one
Thanks, Alison
Thanks for writing Choosing Us
Walter's Pain
actually...
judge not?
It's another concept. When I had my abortion my husband waited it a room alone for 8 hours (he worried about my health and safety)he couldn't hold my hand through a painful moment of our lives because people, lots of them don't tolerate abortion, doctors are killed, women are emotionally abused for making choices that are healthy for themselves etc. People judge people in a situation they themselves may not have been through. Misunderstanding breads hatred, lives must be protected (lives of already living humans). So imagine the difficulty of going through that situation, eight hours of random locked doored waiting rooms, without anyone to chat with. No one to hold your hand. You may not have been someone to have an abortion yourself, but where in your faith is it acceptable to judge others so strongly? I am a woman of faith and blind hatred was discouraged.
That wasn't a potential
Respect your opinion...? But
Respect your opinion...? But I will say I kept a photocopy of my "pregnancy"- that's the proper medical term for what is being terminated, it is not a fetus until later... I was 7 weeks (that's one more than alison) and the technician had to circle a pen point sized dot for me, so I could find the pregnancy. It didn't have shape it hardly had size. I acted mature in a difficult time I am not ashamed. You can't convince me to experience guilt. No, I did what was RIGHT.
What an amazing essay
Choosing Us essay comment
If you find it so easy to
If you find it so easy to assume things about women like alison and myself and our husbands. If you think we will always be selfish. Bad parents, then aren't you the most prochoice gal out there, or do you think "mean bad selfish evil people" should be raising kids?
Alison I think you've done a
being?
She even recognized the baby as a "being".
nine months with this being
she knew it was murder...
and she didnt care - because hey - its legal! Right - what a love story - of legalized murder.
being... dense?
The bond Walter and Alsion feel
By Alison's own account of events, it is clear that she and her husband Walter found themselves caught in a moral quicksand. Their ultimate decision to abort their "inconvenient truth" left them no other option but to justify and rationalize what they already knew very clearly in their conscience was WRONG. If they dig deep and peel back the layers enough, I am sure that they will come to the rather disturbing and inevitable conclusion that the "bond" they now feel could be likened to that of co-conspirators to a murder. They have a bond alright. But it is not based on anything holy or worthwhile.
The human heart is exceedingly wicked, and it is amazing the kinds of compromises in integrity and good character those with seared consciences can justify and bond over. My prayer for them is that they look back one day (soon!) at this outrage and recognize how far into depravity they have descended...and the need for God's forgiveness!
One more time- I god I was
One more time- I god I was raised with asked us not to judge the actions of others. Belittling a personal relationship between a couple is not your right. Don't "hope", "soon" for them to figure things out. How can you know they haven't? I had an abortion I have a relationship with god. I don't believe my pregnancy was some "character test from god" if it was though, I am sure I passed, I have the right to choose for a reason.
Wonderful Essay!
Fool... "Wise" in your own eyes
In his column dated January 23, 2008 entitled, "Alison: Your Aim Is True" Professor Mike S. Adams affirms, that this "recent essay by Alison Piepmeier of the College of Charleston provides some of the best examples of the cruelty, heartlessness, and utter self-absorption embodied in the modern feminist movement."
(Ref:http://www.townhall.com/columnists/MikeSAdams/2008/01/23/alison_your_aim_is_true)
Quite frankly, I don't think he went far enough, since he failed to denounce this woman as a total crackpot! For, to be sure, it is only a crackpot- as in, a depraved, deluded mind- or a moral relativist that could view murdering an innocent in the context of a "love story."
Perhaps, after viewing the content of the following sites, related article, and video (all of which I came across on the web site for an upcoming newsstand publication called The Real Proposal magazine; Ref: http://www.therealproposal.com/815503.html), Ms. Piepmeier will, at the very least, acknowledge that, at six weeks, her aborted fetus was, indeed, and quite visibly, a HUMAN "being", not just a "marble-sized blob." Ms. Piepmeier is the kind of fool, who is wise by her own standards, and I pity her. She is a prime example that you can be educated beyond your intelligence yet still fundamentally lacking in WISDOM.
RELATED ARTICLE: "The SLED Test – Four Top Arguments" By Steve Wagner, Heartlink.org
http://www.heartlink.org/beavoice/A000000559.cfm
We all agree that toddlers are valuable human beings with rights. Yet the unborn differ from toddlers in only four ways, and the first letters of each of these differences spell an easy-to-remember acronym, SLED (Size, Level of Development, Environment, Degree of Dependency).
RELATED SITE: "THE CASE FOR LIFE: Like You Have Never Heard It Before"
http://www.caseforlife.com/
Only One Issue: The abortion controversy is not a debate between those who are pro-choice and those who are anti-choice. It’s not about privacy or trusting women. To the contrary, the debate turns on one key question. What is the Unborn?
RELATED SITE: Abort73.com: The Case Against Abortion
http://www.abort73.com/
RELATED VIDEO: "This is Abortion"
http://caseforlife.com/abortionvideo.htm
RATED: MA (Mature Audiences Only)
WARNING: Contains graphic post-abortion pictures. Be Warned! The Visual Evidence is Disturbing.
Darn Krackpot Leave Briskly
Wow. Just Wow.
WOW, what happened in your
WOW, what happened in your life to make you act like such a self important careless human? Hatred like the stuff you just slung came from some where. I've had an abortion. I am proud because it was the least selfish action, I have peace in my mind and heart with god (I think it's frowned upon to raise children who will never feel the proper love of their parents, but it's not my choice to think for god.
You must have suffered through something very very bad to say such hateful things to another human being. You do not know her own personal pains. Oh and you sure as F don't know what I went through when I had my abortion. I am pretty sure we were born after 9 months (its actually 9.5-10 months) with the ability of individual thought.
Painful decision
"Made an amends to the fetus" Say what???
Please tell me, how, in your world, is this "amends" made once the fetus is dead???
As far as "judging" is concerned, calling something wrong "wrong" is hardly judging. All laws are based upon "judgements" of what's right vs. what's wrong and, indeed, upon a sense of morality, which, ultimately, is the fundamental issue...Whose morality?? The sad commentary of our day is that morality is increasingly no longer based upon truth, but upon what's "politically correct."
Think about it, according to your misguided reasoning, no "judging" would mean there are no criminals.
Privacy
Must tell I that your remark
Must tell I that your remark is the most intelligent one in this essay so far! By far!
Thank You For This Beautiful Article
this is not selfish!
thank you
bravo!
Must say, well said! I know
Must say, well said!
I know I'm a few years late but as a skirt reader and what not I ended up getting sent here by google.
Thank you so much
Another thank you
Great Story
I also want to express my
Thank you! I realize that
Thank you! I realize that this is alison's post but, I've felt so isolated since my own abortion. Open minds like your own are the ones that change the world.
Alison, you're the farthest
Nice
Gotta buy some for my gf now!
repost
This is hilarious 'buckets'. It deserves to be reposted....
Alison, regarding the article, why didn't you just wait to have the baby and then choose to end his/her life at some point when you really knew for sure that he/she wouldn't be compatible with your lifestyle?
Regarding the previous comment about no biblical mention against abortion, it's very simple... God strongly calls us not to murder throughout the book. If he called out the ages and specific process of killing human beings the book would be infintely long... C'mon people. If you've found your own way to cope with your sin, so be it. but call it like it is. We all have sin. but I am sorry for mine. I don't make up fairy tales about how in the end it was really the best thing for you and the "being"... I really don't want to cause any of you more pain than already exists in your lives because I acknowledge that these are all terrible situations but let's keep it real. God will forgive you, but you first have to take a step towards him.
"A similar story, but not quite as touching: I was once with my lover of three years and we decided that our relationship needed a little boost. So we had a threesome and killed the third person. We then spread rose petals all over the bed and lit some candles. The scent of the lavender covered up the smell of decay nicely and we began crying as we held each other’s naked bodies among the rose petals and entrails of the deceased. When we disposed of the body we explained to it that we just didn’t want the added emotional stress that a third person in our relationship would cause if it were to become attached. It was beautiful; We watched it burn on a starry night. Ever since our relationship has become stronger than ever. Every now and then it is erotic to think about the dark secret that we share together. In remembrance we cut ourselves and make love in our own blood - reminding us of that night we shared now eight years gone. OH LOVE! LOVITY LOVE! FLOWERS AND ROSES! RAINBOWS EVERYWHERE! OH ITS SO GLORIOUS, LOVE! "
AMAZING!!! I Am Not Alone!?!
You wrote about such a hard topic in such a beautiful and very very real way. I have not read the above comments (they're lengthy and some seem terribly offensive) so forgive me if I repeat any of the words of other kind women, I have stood in your shoes- or at least in a similar pair and I have to say that reading this is one of the few things outside of my relationship with my husband (he was my fiancé at abortion time) who understands how I was feeling. I was born a feminist. In college I was a founding member of VOX-handing out accurate sex education pamphlets and tons of condoms to other students every week. Years later as an engaged women, sure she will spend forever with the man she said yes to- I got pregnant. Me pregnant!?! I have always known I am supposed to become a wonderful mother, I've wanted that beautiful role in life forever. But I am not the girl who accidentally gets pregnant. The condom broke, it wasn't past its expiration it had been kept in only a healthy temp zone (no wallets etc) it was that 1% failure rate. It was so hard for me because I knew the man I was with will be the father of my future children, we had regularly chatted about the values we believe in as parents. But I was recovering from an eating disorder- I was not strong enough to have a child, having a baby would have been cruel and selfish. We wrote "not baby" letters saying we were sorry that "not baby" arrived too early in our lives. We said that we would be sure to remember this when we have the babies. We will give them the love they deserve as our children bit we will also give them the love that "not baby" never received, ensuring that the right choice was not made in vain. Our children will be greatly appreciated because of that difficult experience. We will know what a blessing they are to us, when we are healthy and safe-the kind of people who make amazing parents.
I got healthy soon after. Knowing for sure that I wanted to make babies with this amazing man and I wanted to live to see their babies, I could not do this with anorexia. I became strong, husband learned to quit smoking (he still does from time to time, but we know that the "former mr chain smoker" can quit the day we find out I am pregnant again. " Not baby" was a love story in our relationship too, teaching us what to value and the ideals we will strive towards when "baby" comes. Amazing essay. And a valuable one that all women should consider before attacking. My xoxoxos-lk
wow
Wow, truely a selfish person you are. You didnt want to consider adoption becasue you would have been attached by the end of 9 months? Do you even hear yourself? And as for walking out unscathed? Doubtful. There is a reason you still write of it years later. And if so, it is only because you spin some fairy tale for you and your mindless Walter (is HE the one in a skirt in this relationship? He thinks it ethically wrong, but, oh well. Allison gets what she wants for it is her body. what nonsense.) A fairy tale with flowers and beings who return? Are you kidding me? Babies who are murdered do not just return at some later time when it is convienient. Sorry to have to break that news to you that you have created in an effort to lie to yourself so you could continue in your selfish fantasy. Parents finish grad school and write books all the time BTW. i am sorry you have bougth the feminisim lie hook line and sinker and that the believing lies has robbed you of what would have been your most precious gift. I'm sorry that you will never get to smell that wonderful scent of new baby, hear the giggles, or watch that child learn to walk, dance, sing, graduate, get married or watch a flower floating. I doubt watching your precious flowers go down a stream could make up for that. I seldom and unkind to people, but it surely gets my goat when people harrangue me with their murdourous actions with such self-righteous cacophony. In additon to Bitch magazine, is their one called Murderer for which you could also write? Then, would you feel enough notches in your self-righteous belt to then be enough of a person for yourself? You really need to get over yourself and quit spreading such lies to others for whom you may also influence to do such horrible acts. Wel, i guess misery loves company and makes you feel better about your choice. well, you had your choice. live with it. every time you see a baby or child your dead child's age im sure you remember with at least a twinge of pain. despite your lies on this article. sorry to be so hateful, but who is speaking for the helpless here?
True Bravery
First of all, this was a very well-written story. As a fellow writer, I admire the prose of this composition.
But, throughout the entire story, I kept hoping. Hoping that Alison would please keep the baby, would please make the decision to be a mother and to give that baby life. But she didn't. And I found that so, so sad.
Abortion is a huge, raging debate in America right now. Pro-choice, and pro-life. You're either one or the either. And me, personally; I believe that every human being has a right to life. That yes, as a human being and as an American citizen you are most definitely entitled to your own decisions and choices; but that the right to life overrules that.
That baby is never going to come back. That baby is never going to grow up, blow bubbles, paint her nails or wear his cologne, fall in love, drink coffee, or visit Iceland. And that is really depressing.
That baby could have been a future president of the United States of America. That baby could have saved someone's life in Iraq. That baby could have found the cure for cancer. That baby could have healed people through their music.
And now he or she never will. Because he/she is dead.
Think of it from the baby's perspective: your mommy, the woman who is supposed to love and nurture you with tender compassion, the person who's supposed to kiss your forehead and protect you in her arms, the figure who is supposed to put your coloring pictures on the fridge and makes you eat your carrots because she wants your vision to be good; ends your life.
That baby reached out and yearned for the warm, safe, perfect arms of his/her mother; and instead, he or she was welcomed by the cold, cruel arms of Death.
It definitely did take courage to have that abortion. And bravery is something I admire.
But it would have been much, much more of a braver decision to have given that baby life.
I don't know if Alison regrets this decision or not. Either way, she can't undo the past. It's done for good.
But she can change the future.
So next time, Alison and anyone else out there who has every considered having an abortion, you are faced with that decision:
Be truly brave, and be truly selfless. It's really a matter of what's more important: the luxury of your own life, or the existence of the baby's?
*I'd just like to say that by no means do I mean to be cruel and vicious in my comments; I'm just expressing my opinions and personal response to this article. I'd like to hear what others have to say in response to my thoughts, but please be courteous. Thank you.*
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