Choosing Us

Disgusting. Love story? That's the most selfish love story I have ever read~

This is so ridiculous! Telling a fetus to "come back later if it wanted?" "I hoped it found another home?" "Thank you so much for coming along?" I think you meant, "Come back later if WE want you to." Are you nuts or just in complete denial of reality? Hate to burst your bubble, but each life is only created once. You are hardly thanking a baby (not a "blob") for "coming along" by killing it. It won't be "coming back later" or "finding another home."

For writing about an experience that is common to many, many women.

Kudos to you for finding your own strength and insight to deal with a very hard decision...also for finding the good in even the worst of situations, very inspiring. I've also had an abortion later in life and was very disappointed in finding myself there. However I remember they had a sign up saying that ATTITUDE is the small thing that makes a HUGE difference - how true concerning any adversity in life.

Outrageous!!! That BABY you killed will not ever "come back" or "find a new home." I am one of those girls who has had several miscarriages. I lost twins over a year ago, and then had another miscarriage a few months later. You are the most selfish person for killing a child because he/she was not convenient for you. I know you said you were using contraception, but I believe that we all must take ownership for what we know might happen when we have sex. Oh, and by the way. What if your mom would have been inconvenienced by you?

While this is well written, I have to admit that I had difficulty with the ending, especially the part about inviting the baby to come back later, if he or she wanted. I've never had an abortion, or been in a position where I had to make that decision, but I was adopted (by the most wonderful people in the world, by the way), and I do know, through medical records, that my birth "mother" tried to abort me (before abortion was legal). Fortunately, she didn't succeed. And while I don't hate her for what she tried to do -- she was very young and very alone -- I would NEVER seek her out, or go back to her, or want her in my life in any way.

For your bravery and for writing about an experience that many, MANY women have and few are brave enough to talk about.

This was amazing, Alison. I think it takes an incredible amount of conviction, confidence and love to write and share that story. I'm the next "muse of the month" and while I blog frequently on several sites and tend to be pretty open and often revealing (much to my family's and friend's dismay, sometimes!) I'm not sure I'm that brave. I really, really appreciate the thoughtfulness your post provoked. Who knows what I might write on day 28? :) Thanks again...

"There’s the story of Walter’s lonely couple of hours in the clinic lobby, scanning the faces of the other men waiting for their partners, some crying, some relieved, all totally left out." Poor Walter! Have him talk to my husband about holding my hand and BEING IN THE ROOM for the births of our three burdens (he cried and he was relieved)! Talk about bonding...he and I are closer than ever, on every possible level--sex, intellect, faith, humor, our place in the universe, AND now we are eternally intertwined into the lives of three luminous "beings" who will walk the planet, contributing to civilization in countless ways. I just hope our daughter doesn't turn out like this wretched, selfish harridan named Alison.

That wasn't a potential person. It was a person, a very young one, but a human being. It had its own unique set of DNA. It was growing. You found it inconvenient, so you killed it. I had a baby that I didn't want. Didn't plan for. But I didn't kill it. It didn't become a person at 12 weeks or 20 weeks or at birth. When do babies magically become people? When our baby was born, we didn't all of a sudden have a baby. We'd had one all along. You may have other kids some day. But none of them will be the one you had already. That one is dead, and will never come back.

Your essay took real courage, and real strength to write. Thank-you for sharing, and best of luck to you and Walter in the future.

I want to address the author of this essay Mrs. Alison Piepmeier. I read this essay and to be truthful with you, it disgusted me beyond words. A beautiful gift was given to you that not all women can have even if they want to and you chose to destroy it out of your own selfishness. You made the very typical comment "I do want to have kids someday but right now is not the right time." When is it ever the "right time" to have kids? My mother and lots of other parents have told me countless times that you are never really ready to have children, they just come and you do the best you can to give them a good life. The right time is probably when you're in your late 40's early 50's and by then, it's too late to have children. If you didn't want to have this baby you could have taken that precious gift and given it to one of your girlfriends or some other woman who are struggling to have a child they so desperately want. If you considered that, then maybe you could still see that child and be a part of his or her life. There is a such thing as an open adoption. Or, you could have just sucked it up, made some arrangements and sacrifices to make parenthood work for you. I have a beautiful baby boy who will be 4 months old on February 4th and I'll say that he's the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. I could never imagine my life without him. When I'm feeling sad or if I'm having a bad day, seeing his adorable face smile at me helps put me in a better mood. My husband and I are not in a position where it was "the perfect time" to have a child. We don't own a home right now, we are still renting and neither one of us has a graduate degree. Even without a graduate degree my husband still makes a good salary. I know alot of parents who still go on to graduate school. They do it either at night or online. There are plenty of options out there right now that fit into a working parent's lifestyle. When there's a will, there's always a way. I just can't believe the ceremony you and your husband had to tell the child you aborted goodbye. Your husband told the child you killed that "he/she is invited to come back at a later time if they want to". Please, spare me! The child was already destroyed, how can they come back. In my opinion selfish people like yourselves are not good candidates to ever be parents. Even if you find yourselves in the "right time" to have children, those children will probably be neglected in some way because you are selfish people who obviously are unwilling to make sacrifices in life. That's what parenthood is all about. You alway have to sacrifice things in life for the sake of your children. Before you even think of having a child "someday" you really need to examine yourselves and see where your priorities lie.

Alison I think you've done a great job with this essay expressing many of the things that the anti-choice community refuse to acknowledge. The complex human emotions (of people already in existence) are a great and wonderful thing, I'm glad it strengthened your marriage, as I'm sure it has done the same for many other relationships. So many of these commenters are narrow-minded and selfish in their own beliefs, I'm amused at all their talk. Can't wait to read your next smash-the-patriarchy book on this whole fiasco. Brava, woman!

11th paragraph, last sentence...
She even recognized the baby as a "being".

nine months with this being
she knew it was murder...
and she didnt care - because hey - its legal! Right - what a love story - of legalized murder.

We need more courageous women to speak out in order to keep abortion legal! thank you alison!

In his column dated January 23, 2008 entitled, "Alison: Your Aim Is True" Professor Mike S. Adams affirms, that this "recent essay by Alison Piepmeier of the College of Charleston provides some of the best examples of the cruelty, heartlessness, and utter self-absorption embodied in the modern feminist movement."
(Ref:http://www.townhall.com/columnists/MikeSAdams/2008/01/23/alison_your_aim_is_true)

Quite frankly, I don't think he went far enough, since he failed to denounce this woman as a total crackpot! For, to be sure, it is only a crackpot- as in, a depraved, deluded mind- or a moral relativist that could view murdering an innocent in the context of a "love story."

Perhaps, after viewing the content of the following sites, related article, and video (all of which I came across on the web site for an upcoming newsstand publication called The Real Proposal magazine; Ref: http://www.therealproposal.com/815503.html), Ms. Piepmeier will, at the very least, acknowledge that, at six weeks, her aborted fetus was, indeed, and quite visibly, a HUMAN "being", not just a "marble-sized blob." Ms. Piepmeier is the kind of fool, who is wise by her own standards, and I pity her. She is a prime example that you can be educated beyond your intelligence yet still fundamentally lacking in WISDOM.

RELATED ARTICLE: "The SLED Test – Four Top Arguments" By Steve Wagner, Heartlink.org
http://www.heartlink.org/beavoice/A000000559.cfm
We all agree that toddlers are valuable human beings with rights. Yet the unborn differ from toddlers in only four ways, and the first letters of each of these differences spell an easy-to-remember acronym, SLED (Size, Level of Development, Environment, Degree of Dependency).

RELATED SITE: "THE CASE FOR LIFE: Like You Have Never Heard It Before"
http://www.caseforlife.com/
Only One Issue: The abortion controversy is not a debate between those who are pro-choice and those who are anti-choice. It’s not about privacy or trusting women. To the contrary, the debate turns on one key question. What is the Unborn?

RELATED SITE: Abort73.com: The Case Against Abortion
http://www.abort73.com/

RELATED VIDEO: "This is Abortion"
http://caseforlife.com/abortionvideo.htm
RATED: MA (Mature Audiences Only)
WARNING: Contains graphic post-abortion pictures. Be Warned! The Visual Evidence is Disturbing.

Alison, I think that it's impossible for anyone to understand the level of the decision that you and your husband made. It is a very personal decision and one that neither of you took lightly. And then you accepted your decision, made an amends to the fetus, and moved on with your life. My wife and I had to make a similar decision years ago. It too was painful but the timing wasn't right and neither of us was prepared for a baby. We came to the same conclusion that you and your husband did. Only recently though have I made an amends for the decision to terminate the pregnancy. I haven't completely shut the door on the past either because there are moments when I wonder how it all would have turned out should the baby have been born. But I can't undo what is done nor would I want to. At that time,it was the best decision. Thanks for your honesty in discussing this painful time for you. Nothing of this nature is ever done flippantly. And no one has a right to judge your actions. That's between you and your HP.

I think Alison's stories and the many, varied comments that follow it illustrate one of the basic propositions of the reasoning for legalized abortion: abortion is a private affair, and is ultimately the personal decision of the pregnant woman and possibly (but not always) the man who made her pregnant. The problem is the uncertain nature of the bundle of cells being aborted, existing as it does in a sort of halfway state between nothingness and personhood. If scientists and theologians cannot agree amongst themselves on what status an embryo has, then none of the rest of us has a chance either. That's why it's best to keep abortion legal -- because it will only happen unsafely if it is criminalized -- and to leave the decision to abort or not up to the woman and her loved ones.

I love it. Thank you. I am so disgusted by all the anti-choice comments I have read and just wanted to say, stranger-to-stranger, thank you.

I want to thank Alison for sharing this experience. I had a very similar experience last year, and never once have my partner or I regretted our decision. Contrary to what many anti-choice people believe, this is not a decision ever taken lightly. Choosing to remain childless when you are certain that you are not ready to give a child all the emotional (and financial) support required to raise that child is NOT selfish. I am apalled that all you people claiming to love children cannot see that having a child when you are not ready is much more selfish than going through the process of searching within yourself and evaluating your current situation and your beliefs in order to come to a decision that is best for your family.

this article made me cry. thank you for sharing your very personal experience. you writing is beautiful and shows the many complexities and emotions that you encountered. it is sad that some may still see your decision as selfish. why should the interests of a marble size blob be more important than your own. why should women be completely selfless. thank you for your story.

For being so brave as to put yourself out here for the scrutiny and judgement of every person out there--bravo. For knowing full well that you would recieve a verbal onslaught of people who would call your painful, yet RIGHT choice for your life--a selfish, murderous whatever--bravo. And for being so strong and so humble as to put such a personal and private decision out for public eyes to see, and to say outloud that you have been through this process--bravo. Michael Jay Tucker once said: If the anti-abortion movement took a tenth of the energy they put into noisy theatrics and devoted it to improving the lives of children who have been born into lives of poverty, violence, and neglect, they could make a world shine. Garrett Hardin also said: Society does not need more children; but it does need more loved children. Quite literally, we cannot afford unloved children - but we pay heavily for them every day. There should not be the slightest communal concern when a woman elects to destroy the life of her thousandth-of-an-ounce embryo. But all society should rise up in alarm when it hears that a baby that is not wanted is about to be born. If people have such a problem with abortion---perhaps I would take them much more seriously if they gave a hoot about the MILLIONS of children who have been born who people neglect on a daily basis.

Alison, thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds like you and your husband made the right decision for your lives. Ms. Piepmier never proposes that her decision is right for everyone, only that it was right for her. What the antichoicers and the people condemning you don't realize is that all of us make choices every day and that "right" and "wrong" are relative terms. And for what it's worth, I truly believe that little soul will find where she/he/it really needs to be, be it with you or another family, when the time is right.

I too wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. I can certainly relate in a number of ways, though our stories are much different when one only looks at the surface. I'm sorry people are calling you nasty things too, though I'm sure you knew it'd happen once this was posted online. It always does.

Hey Alison, Great story. I've been waiting for so long to hear someone who was married and happy and just..comfortable having an abortion. I take every opportunity to tell people about my own positive experience and I salute your honesty, your candor, your strength and your bravery.

I also want to express my thanks for this wonderful essay. I generally try to ignore anti-choicers whenever possible because so many have such atrociously ignorant arguments for their position. But I think I have a bit of a unique perspective to add. I am a married woman with 2 beautiful _adopted_ children. At 35, I've never been pregnant. But I've also never wavered in my support for choice. (At least not since arriving at that position in my teen years. Many of the arguments I read against legalized abortion are arguments I remember making when I was 11 or 12). My heart breaks when I think of how hard we've tried to have a baby and been unable to. But, having a child with chronic health problems and another with psychological problems, I also realize that not all of us are physically, emotionally, or financially equipped to deal with children. I also know as an adoptive mom that adoption is not always the happy answer that it's been painted to be. Open adoption, IMO, is often mentioned to women considering abortion as a way of placing your child for adoption without having to "give it up." Adoption is wonderful, but it's not right for every family. Still, with all of that, not only do I support another woman's right to choose, but I can envision reasons why I would consider abortion myself. Nobody seems willing to acknowledge that sometimes the "selfish" reasons to consider an abortion are a need for medical treatment incompatible with pregnancy. Children, for those who want them and can care for them, are wonderful. I have no illusions of pregnancy or children being gifts from the universe. That kind of thinking led me down a path to depression and hopelessness. If a "being" of any form cannot exist outside the womb, then the owner of the womb has every right in the world to make the ultimate decision in whether or not to continue a pregnancy.

Alison, you're the farthest thing from a crackpot despite what some earlier commenters might have said. I found the comment right underneath mine to be in particularly poor taste. This is such a beautifully-written, moving essay. It is beyond refreshing to read about a woman choosing to have an abortion for reasons other than the usual, obvious ones we are always fed by entertainment and the media. It just goes to show that this is such a complicated and personal issue for women everywhere and we deserve the right to make the decision that fits best into our own lives because everyone's situation is unique. It was brave of you to share your story and I know I'm only one of many who feels grateful to you for it.

Gotta buy some for my gf now!

This is hilarious 'buckets'. It deserves to be reposted....

Alison, regarding the article, why didn't you just wait to have the baby and then choose to end his/her life at some point when you really knew for sure that he/she wouldn't be compatible with your lifestyle?

Regarding the previous comment about no biblical mention against abortion, it's very simple... God strongly calls us not to murder throughout the book. If he called out the ages and specific process of killing human beings the book would be infintely long... C'mon people. If you've found your own way to cope with your sin, so be it. but call it like it is. We all have sin. but I am sorry for mine. I don't make up fairy tales about how in the end it was really the best thing for you and the "being"... I really don't want to cause any of you more pain than already exists in your lives because I acknowledge that these are all terrible situations but let's keep it real. God will forgive you, but you first have to take a step towards him.

"A similar story, but not quite as touching: I was once with my lover of three years and we decided that our relationship needed a little boost. So we had a threesome and killed the third person. We then spread rose petals all over the bed and lit some candles. The scent of the lavender covered up the smell of decay nicely and we began crying as we held each other’s naked bodies among the rose petals and entrails of the deceased. When we disposed of the body we explained to it that we just didn’t want the added emotional stress that a third person in our relationship would cause if it were to become attached. It was beautiful; We watched it burn on a starry night. Ever since our relationship has become stronger than ever. Every now and then it is erotic to think about the dark secret that we share together. In remembrance we cut ourselves and make love in our own blood - reminding us of that night we shared now eight years gone. OH LOVE! LOVITY LOVE! FLOWERS AND ROSES! RAINBOWS EVERYWHERE! OH ITS SO GLORIOUS, LOVE! "

You wrote about such a hard topic in such a beautiful and very very real way. I have not read the above comments (they're lengthy and some seem terribly offensive) so forgive me if I repeat any of the words of other kind women, I have stood in your shoes- or at least in a similar pair and I have to say that reading this is one of the few things outside of my relationship with my husband (he was my fiancé at abortion time) who understands how I was feeling. I was born a feminist. In college I was a founding member of VOX-handing out accurate sex education pamphlets and tons of condoms to other students every week. Years later as an engaged women, sure she will spend forever with the man she said yes to- I got pregnant. Me pregnant!?! I have always known I am supposed to become a wonderful mother, I've wanted that beautiful role in life forever. But I am not the girl who accidentally gets pregnant. The condom broke, it wasn't past its expiration it had been kept in only a healthy temp zone (no wallets etc) it was that 1% failure rate. It was so hard for me because I knew the man I was with will be the father of my future children, we had regularly chatted about the values we believe in as parents. But I was recovering from an eating disorder- I was not strong enough to have a child, having a baby would have been cruel and selfish. We wrote "not baby" letters saying we were sorry that "not baby" arrived too early in our lives. We said that we would be sure to remember this when we have the babies. We will give them the love they deserve as our children bit we will also give them the love that "not baby" never received, ensuring that the right choice was not made in vain. Our children will be greatly appreciated because of that difficult experience. We will know what a blessing they are to us, when we are healthy and safe-the kind of people who make amazing parents.
I got healthy soon after. Knowing for sure that I wanted to make babies with this amazing man and I wanted to live to see their babies, I could not do this with anorexia. I became strong, husband learned to quit smoking (he still does from time to time, but we know that the "former mr chain smoker" can quit the day we find out I am pregnant again. " Not baby" was a love story in our relationship too, teaching us what to value and the ideals we will strive towards when "baby" comes. Amazing essay. And a valuable one that all women should consider before attacking. My xoxoxos-lk

 

Wow, truely a selfish person you are. You didnt want to consider adoption becasue you would have been attached by the end of 9 months? Do you even hear yourself? And as for walking out unscathed? Doubtful. There is a reason you still write of it years later. And if so, it is only because you spin some fairy tale for you and your mindless Walter (is HE the one in a skirt in this relationship? He thinks it ethically wrong, but, oh well. Allison gets what she wants for it is her body. what nonsense.) A fairy tale with flowers and beings who return? Are you kidding me? Babies who are murdered do not just return at some later time when it is convienient. Sorry to have to break that news to you that you have created in an effort to lie to yourself so you could continue in your selfish fantasy. Parents finish grad school and write books all the time BTW. i am sorry you have bougth the feminisim lie hook line and sinker and that the believing lies has robbed you of what would have been your most precious gift. I'm sorry that you will never get to smell that wonderful scent of new baby, hear the giggles, or watch that child learn to walk, dance, sing, graduate, get married or watch a flower floating. I doubt watching your precious flowers go down a stream could make up for that.  I seldom and unkind to people, but it surely gets my goat when people harrangue me with their murdourous actions with such self-righteous cacophony. In additon to Bitch magazine, is their one called Murderer for which you could also write? Then, would you feel enough notches in your self-righteous belt to then be enough of a person for yourself? You really need to get over yourself and quit spreading such lies to others for whom you may also influence to do such horrible acts. Wel, i guess misery loves company and makes you feel better about your choice. well, you had your choice. live with it. every time you see a baby or child your dead child's age im sure you remember with at least a twinge of pain. despite your lies on this article. sorry to be so hateful, but who is speaking for the helpless here?

 

First of all, this was a very well-written story. As a fellow writer, I admire the prose of this composition.

But, throughout the entire story, I kept hoping. Hoping that Alison would please keep the baby, would please make the decision to be a mother and to give that baby life. But she didn't. And I found that so, so sad.

Abortion is a huge, raging debate in America right now. Pro-choice, and pro-life. You're either one or the either. And me, personally; I believe that every human being has a right to life. That yes, as a human being and as an American citizen you are most definitely entitled to your own decisions and choices; but that the right to life overrules that.

That baby is never going to come back. That baby is never going to grow up, blow bubbles, paint her nails or wear his cologne, fall in love, drink coffee, or visit Iceland. And that is really depressing.

That baby could have been a future president of the United States of America. That baby could have saved someone's life in Iraq. That baby could have found the cure for cancer. That baby could have healed people through their music.

And now he or she never will. Because he/she is dead.

Think of it from the baby's perspective: your mommy, the woman who is supposed to love and nurture you with tender compassion, the person who's supposed to kiss your forehead and protect you in her arms, the figure who is supposed to put your coloring pictures on the fridge and makes you eat your carrots because she wants your vision to be good; ends your life.

That baby reached out and yearned for the warm, safe, perfect arms of his/her mother; and instead, he or she was welcomed by the cold, cruel arms of Death.

 

It definitely did take courage to have that abortion. And bravery is something I admire.

But it would have been much, much more of a braver decision to have given that baby life.

 

I don't know if Alison regrets this decision or not. Either way, she can't undo the past. It's done for good.

But she can change the future.

So next time, Alison and anyone else out there who has every considered having an abortion, you are faced with that decision:

Be truly brave, and be truly selfless. It's really a matter of what's more important: the luxury of your own life, or the existence of the baby's?

 

*I'd just like to say that by no means do I mean to be cruel and vicious in my comments; I'm just expressing my opinions and personal response to this article. I'd like to hear what others have to say in response to my thoughts, but please be courteous. Thank you.*