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Renee CK

writer, editor, tweetable http://twitter.com/chicskirt

I'm a fun girl who's on a quest to figure it all out. I'm cynical but living the dream- I'm not sure how that happened exactly. Follow along in my blog for fun, mayhem, and merriment. There's never a dull day! (Or, go download my book!)...

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Why Men (and Women) Cheat.

are you guilty

I quit watching Oprah on a more regular basis.  I tried to watch it in the kitchen while making dinner but my kids turn up Sponge Bob or the new bumblebee girl up to trump my volume. Plus, it’s so nice out, I’m lately found cooking dinner on the grill and reading on the patio between flips.

But yesterday while waiting for the local weather forecast, there was a promo for the follow up to Oprah’s Why Men Cheat show.  Apparently the show drew a lot of attention. 

Now cheating and relationships are something that are of particular interest to me.  My parents marriage dissolved way before the divorce papers were served my 6th year of life, my in-laws marriage has waxed and waned through 41 years, and my friends are in various states of marriage- wanting it, loathing it, getting out of it, happy in it, or complacent. 

A thing to know about me, I dissect things.  I love watching the Maury and Family Court shows where the 13 year olds are having sex and doing drugs. Do I plan on having a sexually active, drug head 13 year old?  No. But, if I can watch others and try to learn from their mistakes, then maybe I stand a better chance of not having to visit my kid in juvenille hall.  So, if I can dissect relationships, I can see what keeps them healthy and vital.  Hopefully.

Something that was said in Oprah’s show, given as a way to “affair proof” your marriage, was to not talk “shop” with your partner.  I couldn’t agree more.  As they said, when you were dating, you didn’t talk about the kids, money, and work.  You talked about your common interests, goals, dreams, and future.  You did things that were exciting and showed who you are.  Yes, kids are a common goal, but there is a time and a place for “I don’t know what to do with Timmy.  He hasn’t cleaned his room in 2 weeks, isn’t turning in his homework, and doesn’t seem to care that I grounded him”.  Make that place and stick to it. After that, talk about the commercial you saw on TV for the new SUV and how gasoline efficent it is supposed to be. *chortle*

I noticed awhile ago, when my daughter was little and my son newly diagnosed with autism, that I had stopped paying attention to my relationship.  It was all I could do to clean the kitchen to make breakfast, serve breakfast, clean up breakfast, clean up for lunch, make lunch, clean up lunch and get naps, clean up for dinner, get the “baby” up and changed, make dinner, get baths, and fall into bed.  My husband was traveling extensively at that time so it was extremely easy to keep my head down and stick to the routine.  It would have been nice for my hubby to come home and notice the spaghetti sauce that I was scrubbing off the walls with a 2 year old thrusting a blinking ball in my face and said, “let me clean the wall, you go play with her”.  Dude, I might have just considered that foreplay! 

Obviously the road ran both ways.  It does get easy to take your relationship for granted.  At the end of the day, if your marriage is going anywhere, it’s going to have a long, hard-fought legal battle first, right?  There’s plenty of time to give it attention.  When the babies are older.  When the kids are more independent.  When the kids get thier licenses and can drive themselves to and from practices.  When the kids graduate.  The truth is, if you let your relationship go that long, you won’t have a relationship to come back to.  18 years is a long time to not be in touch, real touch, with the person you’re standing next to looking out at the future with. 

Even if you know that you’ve grown apart, there are ways to start to build connections back into your romance.  First, start with the cheese.  Lipstick love notes on mirrors.  Candlelit dinners.  Seductive emails.  If nothing else, you’ll get a laugh and a door will open.  Once you’ve connected, start simple.  Look for things that you can do together.  My hubby found a make your meals for a month place, booked us an appointment, and we went together to play in cheeses, meats, and sauces with kisses here and there.  The staff was oohing and aaaahhing- I think they were just jealous. 

Does it take some effort? Sometimes.  But once you’re connected, you begin to find ways to be there for each other.  One of my favorites is to get a damp towel, toss it in the dryer when hubby gets in the shower in the morning, listen for him to turn off the water, grab the towel, and have it watiting for him when he steps out.  What a way to start a day? 

A nice side effect is that it begins to spill over into your other relationships.  Since hubby has started keeping his antenna up for ways to make me happy, he’s learned to bring extra wine glasses out when we have company over- and not serve himself first.  He is helping out at the school store because one of the moms looked so flustered from running out of there at 7:50 when she needed to be in her son’s classroom at 7:45. 

Sometimes I feel guilty for having such a great marriage.  No, it hasn’t always been great, but I dissected it and paired it to other relationships to see what was and was not working.  If you find yourself feeling disconnected and not working in your marriage, I encourage you to do the same.  Your spouse is a wonderful person. If you don’t recognize that, someone else might.  Just because you have the diamond doesn’t mean you have the relationship.

Enjoy!
Renee