blogger profile

Staci Backauskas

When I couldn’t find a job after getting my journalism degree, I went back to school and got an EMT license – a pivotal choice that created the set point for my life. I caught a lot of flack for putting the employment search on hold. Some said I was impatient; others accused me of being too ar...

READ MORE

It's always something-Being pulled in five directions-Where do I go next?

by Staci B

I’ve not written for a while because my muse seems to be sleeping.  Snoring.  Loudly.  But I’m done making promises to write and not keeping them.  Yes, I’ve been busy – the truth is you make time for what is important to you.  Period.  And writing is very important to me, so here I am.

My friend Joyce, who I’ve written about before still lives in the cottage behind my house.  I’ve been in the emergency room with her twice in the ten days for the pain in her knee.  The ER at St. Joe’s says rheumatoid arthritis.  Her doctor, who we finally got to see by walking into his office and waiting several hours, says it osteo arthritis. 

She’s in pain and unable to take the bus to her GED classes, go to the grocery story, or do many of the things we take the ability to do for ourselves for granted.  Most of her family is in Georgia and her cousin who lives here doesn’t have a car.  She needs to see an orthopedic surgeon.  A rheumatologist.  Get blood work done.  It’s difficult for her to cook or see to her personal hygiene.  And without the stimulation and human contact she gets at the classes, is at risk of slipping into depression. 

The old Staci would have jumped right in to “fix” things.  The new Staci gets quiet and asks for inner guidance.  Although many of the results look the same, they are completely different because motivation is everything.  Yes, I have been taking her to school, doing the grocery shopping, helping her formulate questions for the doctor, and making sure she has and takes her medicine.

Had I been doing these things  because my ego convinced me I could save her, I wouldn’t be aware enough to make sure I am taking care of me – completing my journaling and spiritual studies in the morning, stretching, cooking for myself, networking to find clients, and having fun.  I’d be running around like a chicken with its head cut off completely focused on her needs.  Then I’d have felt resentful and not known why.

Because I was led to support her from whatever power it is that resides within me, I do it only in the ways that I’ve been guided to.  I’ve explained to her that I can’t do everything and that she needs to reach out to her church community for support.  That being vulnerable is the first step in recognizing your strength.  And then I’ve dealt with the fallout from the church members not responding with the love and support (prayers are nice but you can’t eat them for dinner) that I had assumed they would provide if she only asked for it.

She’s doing much better.  And so am I.  I’m launching a new business with a partner and am discussing an amazing opportunity to do ghostwriting for a local non-profit.  I’ve finished a book called Ego: A Primer and am workshopping another with my writer’s group.  I’m taking care of me, which allows me to support Joyce without enabling her.  And now I’ve written my blog and kept a promise to myself.  It’s a good day.