blogger profile

Renee CK

writer, editor, tweetable http://twitter.com/chicskirt

I'm a fun girl who's on a quest to figure it all out. I'm cynical but living the dream- I'm not sure how that happened exactly. Follow along in my blog for fun, mayhem, and merriment. There's never a dull day! (Or, go download my book!)...

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Complicated

an intro to my book's topic

I have a sordid confession to make.  I am in love with another woman’s husband.  (“Milton!  Grab the scarlet A from the closet, would ya’?”) 

When it’s put like that, it sounds horrible.  But, it’s not as black and white as that.  The man is a guy I, um, dated, in college.  There were never any real dates. We lived in the same cluster of dorms my freshman year.  He was the roommate of a guy who went to my high school, moved before we graduated, then found me at university.  I went to visit him one night and while waiting for him, sat in a row of his room mates playing video games.  The guy and I traded nasty sarcastic remarks- and the sexual tension between us grew.

Nevermind he had a girlfriend at home.  I was there with him.

He left after first semester of sophomore year.  I thought it was sweet that he took the time to find out exactly where I lived and walked across campus in the Michigan winter to come say goodbye by chipping pebbles on my window at 9:30 at night because they lock the exterior doors at 9. 

He called me a few times through the years.  I looked him up online here and there including when I joined up with the MySpace crowd- and found him.  He married girlfriend finally.  They had a child.  I had been married 10 years and had 2 kids.  Now instead of sarcastic barbs, we talked about our responsibilities- with some sarcasm thrown in for color and familiarity.  I apologized for not being the carefree person he knew at school.  He told me “quite the opposite is true.  You’re also an enigma and oddly fascinating.”  Gush with me girls!

From there grew a belated romance.  In talking, I saw the depths of his emotions, admired his strength, and was disappointed I hadn’t gotten to know this side of him when I had a chance. 

Still, it’s a strange thing realizing that you can have such strong feelings about someone you’re not married to, especially when you’re married to other people.  Remember, I said that I always thought that when you get married, somehow all loving feelings towards anyone other than your family are deflected off you as if you have some superhero ability.  To find that to not be the case opened a whole new can of emotional worms. 

Thankfully under the counsel of Prince who said “if a man is guilty for what goes on in his mind, give me the electric chair for all my future crimes”, I ran the “best case” scenarios in my head.  A weekend where he’d fly to Atlanta and we’d spend the weekend together.  Him and I as a couple but now scheduling visitation for our kids, trying to have holidays together, but not being promised anything. 

None of this factored in that I can not imagine my life without my husband who I love in a very different way. He doesn’t have the natural talent for sarcasm I do, but he’s learned to appreciate it.  He and I balance each other beautifully- when I’m ready to give up, he’s fighting and vice versa.  It’s not hot and heavy, it’s steady and caring and just what I need.

In the end, what I realized was that what I am in love with is not a life with my college friend (I hate to call him an ex) other than what we already have.  I realized that real intimacy has nothing to do with sex.  I would be more turned on by sitting in a hotel lobby talking with college boy all night than going to a hotel room to get physical.

Right about this time I learned about polyamory, a lifestyle that embraces more than one love. (Poly- many, amory- loves; not to be mistaken for polygamy which is many spouses)  Having these complicated feelings for this guy, I thought maybe polyamory would provide some way to explain my feelings and tell me what to do with them. 

I spent a month learning about poly.  I started to see my relationships with my bff and this guy as possibly polyamorous, but it didn’t “fit”.  They were good friends.  People who knew the true me. (and love me anyway!)  I didn’t need to work out a schedule to fit them into my life or define them that way.  I felt like I was being uncaring for not elevating these people to more prominent roles in my life.  I appreciate that the poly community sees relationships in varying degrees, but to me, that doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with each person.  Yeah, polyamory and I were going to have to agree to disagree.

However, having learned all this stuff about poly and thinking about the different scenarios, I decided that it would make a good subject for a book.  And so I outlined the story of a woman who meets a married polyamorous man, gets involved with him, begins dating another man who is not poly and ends up proposing to her.  What happens in the between, the woman who’s gotten herself into a poly relationship and now is being asked to rejoin the monogamy world.  So, The One, my first adult novel, was written.  You can read an excerpt here.  If you follow the link, I implore you, please, please, please do not look at the cover. They picked that and I loathe it.  The e-book comes out Monday and I think it will have that cover but the print version that will be out October 15 will have the one I designed! 

Soooooo much better.  (and, I used my graphic design skills to create it!)

People keep asking me about my book and I’ve had college boy in my heart for a few days now (random things like songs bring him back to the forefront every now and again) so I was able to write out what the book is about and how I came to know about polyamory. 

Bottom line, the world is not as black and white as we expect it to be. Be prepared for change and embrace every nuance of life.

Enjoy!
Renée