Not The One

Today is my ex-girlfriend's birthday. It's also nearly my former anniversary with another ex, and one month shy of my third ex-partner's birthday. All of these people were significant in my life for years, and with every single one I knew, almost from the very beginning, not only that we would break up, but more or less why. Recently a friend and I were talking about relationships and he was genuinely surprised to learn that I'd conducted so many (or all) serious relationships with an early sense that it wouldn't last. To him it was odd that I dated people who I already knew were, to put it nicely, not The One.

Here is a short list of reasons I knew within the first month of dating someone why we'd break up:

--We were too young and/or I was about to go to away to college

--Dramatically different world views

--I wasn't really attracted him but loved him as a friend, and he adored me, so I thought it'd be okay to try. Then I said, "I think love means I make you happy and you make me happy," and I said, "I think I have to make myself happy and you have to make yourself happy," and we both pretended we'd resolved that while actually fundamentally disagreeing about love and misunderstanding each other and the nature of our relationship. Also, he told me he wanted to die by being shot in the stomach for a good reason, like robbing a bank to give to the poor, and have enough time to give a long dying speech. So, basically, he was nuts (but awesome) and we somehow ended up together for nearly two years.

--As crazy as it sounds, two weeks into our relationship I got an incredibly clear sense of who my then-sweetie should end up with: a fairly moneyed blonde who could play the piano and believed in capitalism. We dated for 2 years without discussing a future together. I never mentioned the imaginary blonde, but I still think my instincts were right. And, obviously, I'm none of those things.

--We were both moving, and I was leaving the country for 7 months

--She was sincerely part of New Age quasi-religion that believes our personality is determined by the alignment of stars at our birth and that the purpose of life is to live according to our predetermined personality type, of which there were only four. (Actually, I think it could be a cult). She was flaky and sometimes left the country without telling people. But she was also adorable so we were involved off and on for years, and it wasn't until I was 26 that I decided I was totally done.

--I had a brief relationship with an Israeli Orthodox Jew, and we agreed it was okay because we on vacation. Enough said.

--He wanted to be a monk. Seriously.

--My first impression of her was: hella cute, overwhelming, and self-involved. (For regular readers, this is the Cookie Girl). 

I suppose every relationship involves some dramatic differences, some element of mismatch. But apparently many people do not look over at someone they've been involved with for three weeks and think, "What on earth are you doing in my apartment? We are so going to break up," and then continue dating for long periods of time. When I like someone without a caveat, without knowing what I also don't like, I'm startled, usually too startled to do anything about it.

I'm making no judgments about this. I had fun, learned a lot, and I wouldn't be who I am without these adventures. But I have learned that it's a bad idea to date someone I'm not attracted to or already a little tired of. Maybe I've walked into enough doomed relationships knowing they were doomed and can now retire that bit. Sure, sometimes I tried to change people, but trying to convert someone's basic thinking makes for an unpleasant date and an unbalanced relationship.

Is it better to go in knowing why you'll want out than it is go in with every hope and have it dashed? I don't know. I have no idea how anyone gets or stays together. I've known some couples who've adapted around seemingly insuramountable issues, made compromises I can't imagine making, and some of them are happy and some of them are miserable. I know someone who won't leave a relationship that honestly harms his mental health and other people who are genuinely better human beings through their relationships. Lots of people say, "I knew he was The One," but I wonder if that's true or just makes for a better story. So I ask you, dear readers, did you start a love affair knowing someone was--or wasn't--The One? If there was a huge, impossible obstacle, how did you work it out? And if there wasn't, well, what happens when there's nothing standing in the way?