356
viewsThe Great Romantic Unknown
By NiceBuddhistGrrrl, Friday, September 17, 2010, 2 commentsIn my last post I mentioned my record of dating people who I knew very early on were future exes. Keep this in mind as I admit that recently I meet a girl who I not only like but -- gasp -- I don't see anything wrong with. I don't look at her and think, "You're going to ruin my life," or "This will last two months." How am I handling this? Awkwardly.
The awkwardness is helped by the fact that I don't know if I'm dating someone until the other person lights a neon sign saying, "WE ARE A COUPLE. WE ARE DATING," or moves into my apartment. Until explicitly spelled out, I bumble along thinking, "What's going on?" It sometimes takes me years to realize that someone was coming on to me. So what's happening with me and this girl? I don't know. I think we're seeing each other. Probably.
Subtle + me = confusion.
Directness to the point of embarrassment is more what I need. Not that I would be direct. I have to give myself pep talks to just to barely flirt. (But I am making progress. Slowly).
Oddly, it can be easier when I know it won't work out with someone. If I know why I'll be leaving, it's a little easier to take the risk. There's less danger. It's safer when I already have one foot at the door. But that's gotten a little old..
I'm not a cynic or a libertine. I love it when the new stuff is over, when you know where you stand and you have a short-hand with one another. But I've always loved that in the context of knowing I was leaving eventually. It's the unknown spaces that freak me out: the uncertainty of what a relationship means, the uncertainty of whether or not it will last.
Sometimes I think I'm an adult and I should have all this figured out by now. But I don't. All I know is that I can step out into uncharted territories, into great unknowns, and maybe that's worth it. And even if not, well, at least I have something to write about.
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2 Comments
Great post! Gosh, reading
Great post! Gosh, reading this brings back so many memories for me. I struggled with the issue of commitment for so long. I was terrified of it really. And, I was always afraid that someone else would suck all of the life energy and individuality out of me if I got too close.
And I used to feel like, just as you do now, that maybe I should have already had things figured out. Sometimes, you never figure things out as you had hoped to or planned, and that's just ok.
I didn't make a committment until I was 31 years old. Even after I got married, I still in the back of my head and heart had one foot out the door (it's easier that way, right?). Having to change my last name was my ultimate sacrifice and commitment and I struggled with it bigtime! I cried about it for a week and I really, really didn't want to do it. But, I took the leap of faith and I'm happy with my decision to do so. It is very scary, and I was lucky to find someone who had the same fears as me (my husband also was afraid that being with another would take his individuality away from him). So, we both make great efforts to give each other our space.
Taking the leap of faith is no light matter. It's perfectly ok to take your time to make a commitment (if you ever do in fact decide to make a commitment).
I think so many people rush in so quickly and that might be part of the reason why so many people don't stay together until death do they part the way they used to.
But, if and when you ever do decide to commit to that one lucky lady, it will be when you're ready and when you're heart is fully in it.
Best wishes with everything:-)
--Kimberly
As always, a comment I needed to read
Your comments on these topics is so valuable to me, Kimberly. Sometimes I think I'm the only person with this experience and then y'all remind me that I'm not! Particularly when I was younger I got into relationships that did swallow up my time, my individuality, sort of fill up the room and sometimes take up my energy. My solace through all that was often, "Well, I know you're not the person I'm going to end up with, so if it's just for now, that's okay." Which it was, but now maybe I'm not so into it.
Thanks for the reminder to take time. It's always encouraging to see couples who are also individuals still. That I'll get completely absorbed forever and never do creative work is my biggest fear about relationships.
Wow, this is like therapy!
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