5 Ironic Hits of Motherhood

 

1. Easy on the junk food.All mothers want the best for their children so it’s no wonder we limit the amount of artery clogging junk food that our littles consume. And protest though they may, we always tell them it’s because we care. Once the prayers are said and little arms and legs are tucked snugly in bed, we sing a different song. For some of us the song takes the form of some sugary jingle that beckons us to tell them what we would do for a Klondike Bar. Forget the whole practice what you preach BS, this mom’s had a hard day and deserves a little chocolate coated frozen cow juice washed down with a heart healthy glass of red wine. Before our sugar-free sweeties wake up, we hide the evidence and bring out the bran muffins laced with flaxseed. Isn’t it ironic?

 

2. Watch your language young man! During the day you might find yourself saying things like “Shoot a monkey!” or “What the hoo-ha?” or even “Gosh darn it!”. Just a small helping of kid friendly pseudo-expletives that you might utter when little junior drops his heavy plastic Tonka on your toes, or hurtles his juice cup NFL style across the room at your head. You know what you really want to say, but being the perfect momma that you are you curb your sailor tendencies…at least for now. Lights out and you find yourself changing your tune up a bit. Woe to the person who crosses your toy strewn path, because you’ve bottled up quite a bit of frustration. Your husband asks politely if you would mind washing some boxers and out comes Captain Foul Mouth. “Oh excuse the hell out of me for forgetting to wash your @#$% boxers. Did you forget how to use the $%#@$%^ washing machine?” Morning light breaks through the window and that ship has set sail once again. Isn’t it ironic?

 

3. Don’t worry about what other people think – just be yourself. If we are so busy teaching our kids to be comfortable in their own skin, why is it that we are so obsessed with changing ours? I’d venture to say that many of us would jump at the chance to have something tucked or lifted or otherwise taken back to the place where it once lived happily. We fill our heads with visions of taut bellies and superball buttocks – firm but round and bouncy. So when our kids hear us complain about our outward appearance how can they be so sure that their image is up to par, whatever that is? Isn’t that ironic?

 

4. Don’t talk to strangers. We spend so much time teaching our kids to avoid strangers like the plague. However, I must admit that I will eagerly chat up anyone over the age of 12 who makes eye contact with me. All this in a desperate attempt to resurrect a few brain cells that have suffered an untimely death at the hands of of all the uber happy characters who parade around on my TV teaching numbers and letters in a frenzy of mind-numbing ditties. Isn’t that ironic?

 

5. We do not hit! This is something I witness all too often and I find myself faced with irony number two as my inner sailor wants to verbally bitch slap the mom in question. I realize that the many views on spanking and hand slapping have started several small mommy wars. Personally, I don’t believe in using physical measures to coerce my children into good behavior. However, I am willing to agree that this is a point of disagreement between those Hit Moms and myself. Yesterday at the local bounce place, I saw a Hit Mom in action. Her child walked up to her and hit her on the leg. She quickly yanked him to her and slapped him rather hard on the hand, while proclaiming, “WE DON”T HIT!” Isn’t it ironic?

 

I’m not saying I’m perfect. I think we all do the best we can given the situation. Maybe it’s good for our kids to see us trip up some as long as we learn from our mistakes. Otherwise, they might grow up to be just like us. Wouldn’t that be ironic?