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viewsIt Takes A Village, You Know.
By mommywantsvodka, Thursday, January 14, 2010, 10 commentsI remember nodding my head furiously when someone told me that "it takes a village to raise a child," not because I really understood what it meant, but because I liked the mental picture of the grass hut and the village of people gathered around the child. I imagined they'd all cluck over it, vying for it's attention and offering advice and suggestions to the mother.
People with large families are probably rolling their eyes at my description while they reach for their anti-anxiety medication and turn the ringer off their cell phone to make sure that Aunt Mary isn't calling for the eleventy-fifth time that hour. Whereas I wish anyone in my family gave enough of a shit about me to call and bug my face off.
I've always fantasized about the obnoxiously loud Christmas with Uncle Vernon barfing in the bathroom after chugging half the bowl of eggnog, while Aunt Marge clucked over my children, reminding me that in HER day, children obeyed their elders and walked miles in the snow to school without shoes. I wanted chaos and mayhem and destruction and dogs eating the Christmas Ham to be able to roll my eyes and be all, "the holidays, BLECH!" to my friends.
Instead, my holidays are sedate. The rest of the year is pretty quiet too.
We live in the same town as my parents who I see on a daily basis because I am lucky enough to have them help me raise my children. These are the only members of my family that I ever really see more than a couple of times every year, try as I like to bridge the gaps, it's just not the way it is in my family.
I'm sure this would be thrilling to some.
It breaks my heart.
I want the rest of my (admittedly small) family to want to know my kids. I wish like crazy that they'd want to see us, to be a part of our family and not just on the select holidays that are cobbled together for a couple of hours. Even as a child, that's what I always longed for and I thought that I'd have married into a warm, loving family, but I didn't.
My friends with big families, I know they're envious of my small family, but maybe they don't quite know how lonely it feels to know that you have no one to call to sit with you when your kid is sick in the hospital because the one person that you do have is watching your other children. I'd kill for someone to argue parenting choices with me because it means that they actually care enough about them to have an opinion.
I'm lucky enough, I suppose, to have formed my own virtual village, proving that you can grow where you're planted, but sometimes it's just not the same. I don't make a habit of feeling overly sorry for myself, though, so I just wallow in my pity party for a bit and move on. I've learned to stop believing that anyone else will suddenly change their tune and want to be more involved with us, because it's simply not going to happen.
Instead, I'll put some adorable pictures of my kids up on my blog and let my friends "oooh" and "aaah" over them like they always do. They're my people, after all, and that's what we all do for each other. We help raise our children and remind each other that we're doing a great job.
It takes a village after all.
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10 Comments
My mom always says you have
Stephanie Davis Smith
National Web Editor of skirt.com
I have a huge family (by
I have a huge family (by means of several marriages and divorces). The problem with ours is that so many of the different members of my family cannot be in the room with each other that there is a huge disconnect. We can't possibly see them all, and we usually inadvertently hurt someones feeling by seeing the other. I've gotten to the point of rather stay home with my small little family.
Be thankful
I know what you mean about wanting a big family to love and cherish, but honestly, not that many folks have it since we have moved to a very nuclear family type society, and anyways, the grass is always greener. The people who do have it are pretty much as you described, driven nuts by the wackos and the chaos that ensues when there is togetherness. I'm sortof in the middle. I am from a small family, but my husband has a great big latin family that usually scares my children when they're all in one place. It often makes me want to hide in a corner too, so I get it. So while I thought I wanted a big family when I was younger, now I take comfort when it can be "just us" (me, the hubs, & our 2 kids). These are the times that I really enjoy and feel comfortable. His family, while they can be great, are often in need of something, and inevitably, it is my husband that is the fixer of their problems. So it takes time away from Daddy being able to spend any time with his own kids, since he works like a million hours a week (as I know the Daver does). So don't feel bad. Just enjoy that you have your time together and no one to really mess it up. And hey, us blog stalkers count for something, right? We DO care (and follow you all over the internet!) so don't feel lonely. We'll gladly debate parenting styles or drop in on you unexpectedly, if we can. :)
Now that just pisses me off
Regardless the size of your family, they should be supporting you! While I'm lucky enough to have three brothers, they each shower me with enough love and support to single-handedly carry me through hell and back. And they live all up and down the East Coast. I'm half tempted to drag my ass to your town and knock some heads together. Boo. Hiss. ...and hugs.
Eye Opener
Thank you for your post. It is always after the holidays, that I'm ready to tear my hair out. With my six brothers and sisters, mom, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews and cousins, holidays can get quite frantic. Since the torch has been passed to me to be the hostess for most major holidays, I find myself grumbling more and more. I need to open my eyes to what I have more often. My best friend, in the past 2 years, lost her father to a brain tumor and her mom, just a few weeks ago, to a terrible pedestrian car accident. She was an Alzheimer's patient and sadly escaped her nursing home, got confused and wandered out onto the highway. My friend is an only child. I can't imagine shouldering that without my 3 brothers and especially, 3 sisters. Thanks for the wake-up kick in the ass, Becky. And you're right, you've got all of us and I think those babies are beeyootiful!
welcome to my world
I so know where you are coming from. I have 2 brothers and both parents have passed away. One brother lives 20 minutes up the road and the other across the country. Do I see either....nope! When I got my divorce.... that is when it hit me the hardest just how alone i was. Then I met this man..... he has 4 kids and at the time 3 grandkids. I thought wow... the large family I always wanted. But let me tell you something.... He can keep them LOL jk I love them all and there is now 2 more grandkids in the past year. We are now married even. But we do not have the massive group meals and such. Actually.... our wedding was the first and only time that we had all 4 kids and all the grandkids and brothers and inlaws and parents in a group. Was a good day....but very hectic~~~... I will still enjoy my nice quiet nights with just the hubby anyday!
yep
And some family members will tell you how awesome you are and how great your kids are.....because YOU are and your kids are very full of the awesome!
I feel the same way
I know exactly what you mean. I have a pretty small family, husby has a small family that is scattered throughout the country. We rarely have everyone in the same place at the same time. I am often envious of people who are constantly running from one family event to the next. It might be intrusive sometimes, but I wish we had so many people to share things with.
I sometimes wish the same.
I sometimes wish the same. My dad was an only child. My mom's brother is 9 years younger than her. They created their own village with a network of close friends. My own brother & I have nothing in common but our DNA & have done the same. Though my village is very very tiny. I feel it most in those emergency situations when you realize there is no one you can call for help. I'd be willing to put up with a certain amount of interference in my life and mutual obligation in exchange for nearby extended family.
Stacey
Hey, your blogs continually
Hey, your blogs continually travel directly to the heart. I love them. I love you! ~~Kim
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