Me-v-Cops

I'm a careless driver.  I don't want to be but I don't always pay attention to whats going on. I dont really like to drive either, which makes my interest even less.  I drove in Manhattan recently for the first time, and I found out --not that it was a nerve racking experience where I felt unprepared, but that I fit right in as an impatient, lane cutting non signaling menace and it was almost anti climatic.

That's dangerous, I admit, but it's also true.  and I would say it's true that  most people are bad drivers, only most of them say they are great drivers.

So, I went out and I took some less traveled roads, because I prefer them to highways.  I oftne drive too fast too, because my car is so fucking lame, even at 80 miles an hour, it looks like I'm doing 35--and I often go unnoticed. A five year old green sedan is like the ultimate cloaking device,   I did almost kill myself by speeding--but notice I said, almost.

It was late and I was heading home,  I was a block or so from home when I saw the cop lights in the rearview.

My first thought was--Oh, I better get out of the way. 

So I pulled over to get out of the way, because while I know I'm a reckless uninterested, impatient driver---the cops have never caught on.

I haven't been pulled over in 30 years, and I've never gotten a ticket.  So, I never expected he was lookign for me.

Then he pulled over behind me.

He took forever to come up to the window, and I knew he was running my plate.

Iconsidered taking off, because I was really tired and a block from home but even I know that's nothing but extra trouble. so i waited.....

What the hell is he doing back there?  He has to know who I am!  It's a pretty small town, and I've lived in the middle of it for 15 years...he's always calling about my kid...why is he waiting to come lecture me for running the stop sign?

Stop sign?  Did I stop?  Probably not.

I dont even remember it. I know it's back there, and I know I roll though them in general. (As does everyone else.)

I only stop when some one else is rolling through.

So...finally, the cop come up to the window, taking the upper hand by standing back to my left.

DId  you know that.? Did you know that  cops, upon approaching a driver, will stand back to the driver's left, cop's right--just behind the window for his own protection?

My sister was engaged to a guy who kept failing the cop test---that one he knew.

Eventually, he became a cop and married a hairdresser--not my sister.

Maybe she was holding him back.  Actually, he was rather non confrontational as a person.  When they broke up, she had gone to work and packed everything up (even one of the dogs) and left.  (Knowing my sister, I think it's possible he tried to tell her, and she didn't listen)

but being she is my sister, I go with the official "he was dick" story.

I'm nothing if I"m not loyal.

So, the cop is back just behind my shoulder, and let me tell you, I really couldn't get him at that angle. It's a good move for cops.

Then he shined a light in my face and said, "Good evenign maam, I'm Officer Goldsmith of the State POlice, do you know why I stopped you this evening?"

"Because I"m dead sexy, that's why." I thought.

But I said, "No..."

I sort of suspected, but why help him?

"Well, you were driving with your high beams on.  YOu must turn your high beems off 500 feet before a stop sign."

"Oh...I didn't know."

"Do you know you had  your high beams on?" he asked.

This is were I realized, he was helping me out--sort of NYPD BLUE style.  Ya' remember how when the cops on the show felt the person who committed the crime was sort of justified in killing that guy, and they would help the guy by giving him the right answer in a pointed question.  Like this:

PERP:  I don't know! I"dont know!  I was, just...Darryl was there and I was angry and....

JIMMY SMITS: ...and the just went off? Right? THERE WAS NOTHING YOU COULD DO? RIGHT? HE WAS IN THE WAY? RIGHT?

PERP...RIght.  right.  He was in the way?  Yeah, in the way.

JIMMY SMITS:  And you did all you could do? RIGHT?

PERP:  YEah, I did all I could do.

And who could forget JImmy Smittsbeing the first guy to show his ass on national television. I'll never forget it, because he looked just like my old boyfriend, right down to his ass. But, all I could think as he stoodl up from that bed, and we got to see his ass, was that he was wearing a styrofoam cup on his penis, as a modest cover--it's true. he said it...on OPRah I think.

Well, prove he didnt'.

any way, I was all caught up on the cup I couldn't see..

"Did  you know you had your high beams on?" Goldsmith asked.

"Well, yeah, I just came off all those back roads,"  Isaid with a well duh, attitude.

"Where are you coming from?" he asked.

".....-....-TELFORD!" I said...wrongly, "I was in TElford!"

The question caught me off guard, and it was late and i was tired and then...

"Can I see your license, registration and insurance? "

"Ok." I said and I got all that stuff for him becuase my husban dmakes sure htat I have it.

Then he went to his car, and a little while later  and while he was gone, I wondered why he had to remember that 500foot headlight rule becuae I sure ddint'. and I felt bad for him for having to know that. that sucks.  then he came back to behind my shoulder.

While he was gone I thought of inviting him to the show I was in.

"Have you been drinking tonight?"

"No." I said, and it was true..

"what's in telford?" he asked.

"Oh, I was at the theater," I said.

and I was going to reach across the car and get him a flyer for the show, but making a sudden move in the dark car with a cop hanging around seemed like a bad idea, (if I had been drinking, I'm sure that's exactly the sort of thing Me and DOUBLE SCOTCH would do)considering that I"m not with doublescotch at themoment Officer Goldsmith is standing near by, I decided not to make a sudden move in a dark car near a cop with a gun and hair trigger reflex...(see? double scotch and I would have dismissed all that and reached for the cards!)

Goldsmith gave me back my information, and wished me a good night, and I realized that I was done up like a  cabaret berlesque dancer, becuase it was dress rehearsal.

and I thougth, ...huh....I wonder if ...when I rolled through that stop sign I don't remember stopping at, if he didn't see me there, notice I was dead sexy--, and think he would  use the highbeam rule as a reason to see if I was married.

Then he wished me a good night, and I went home.

I thougt about how I drive...and how Officer Goldsmith hand me in the palm of his hand, and he could have crushed me--but he didnt'.

Cops 0--Me--1.