382
viewsHow To Be Who I Am Now
By MetaxaCunningham, Monday, August 23, 2010, 9 commentsThe remnants of grief are my sad version of the sword of Damocles; it is not suspended over my head by a hair but threatens to pierce my heart, keeping me from happiness. In fact, its sharp tip is constantly leaving little scratches whenever my heart swells with the tiny reminders of my body’s failure to produce a child or with anxiety over the fact that I am still floundering with the answer to the question “what will I do now?” Looking for a new direction and trying to find a satisfying path for my life is more of a challenge than I calculated, and I knew it would be difficult.
Switching gears and changing the focus of my life has not been a simple matter. Supressing the overwhelming desire to become a mother is impossible. It is more a matter of acceptance; I have accepted the fact that I will not have a child and that I have respected my husband’s refusal to adopt, but acceptance does not equal peace. I chose my marriage, because the whole reason that I wanted to have a child in the first place was to create something wonderful that was a part of both of us. We put in an honest effort with tests, surgeries for endometriosis and vasectomy reversal, hormones and in vitro-fertilization. Honest efforts aside, adoption was never a part of the deal we made with each other. When all efforts failed I was left with three things: a well of grief, an unfinished baby quilt and photographs of the embryos that would never be my children, which I have hidden away.
A year of personal struggle, marital turbulence and revelatory therapy has left me scarred yet rebuilt. I have questioned my faith and my existence (Hamlet has nothing on me). I am still trying to figure out how to be who I am now. To help myself heal, I have done three things.
1. I bought a French bulldog. Full grown, she is the weight of a small cuddly child; very satisfying to hold. Frenchies are pretty high maintenance, and having her is like having a small child. She needs a lot of attention, misbehaves occasionally and is stubborn. She is also very easy to love.
2. I write. In my writing I can express the things that I often cannot say without tears. Unfortunately, I am mostly telling the same story of grief and healing over and over. My husband is frustrated by this and wants me to get over it somehow. I really don’t think it works that way. Like I said, accepting the fact that I will never be a mother does not bring me peace.
3. I make a conscious effort to avoid resenting the people I care about.
This is how I keep plugging along, trying to make my life take the shape of something bearable; I imagine myself fulfilled in some other way; I redefine my self-worth. And just when I think I am making some progress, I get blindsided by reminders that I am not living the life I dreamed. Friends have more babies and I secretly hate them for it. I see beautiful children, and I need to turn away. Pregnant bellies make my heart ache. Stupid movies about the “hijinks” associated with infertility or in vitro make me want to boycott movies for good.
So, what else can I do?
Bookmark/Search this post with:
9 Comments
Believe!!!
MextaxaCunningham,
I felt so much of your pain as I read your post. I do know several of my friends who are in that same situation and it is very hard. I feel how desperately you want to give birth, but try not to let it define who you are. You seem to be a very loving person, with a great sense of self. It is so easy to lose that when you don't get to accomplish the dreams you set for yourself. I can only pray that you live the best life that god has given you, it is never how we may want it. I will pray for you to seek gods help and continue to enjoy YOUR life....hang in there skirt, my thoughts are with you...
FoxC1
Thank-you FoxC1. I love your
Thank-you FoxC1. I love your username.
I just wish I knew which way to go, so maybe I could feel like I am doing more than just hanging in there, you know. I am not patient enough to wait for my purpose to be revealed to me; I want to get on with it, which is a good thing. It shows I want to move forward. I really hate feeling stuck.
Thank you..
MetaxaCunningham, it may take sometime for it too be revealed to you. I do understand feeling stuck, I can't stand that. When I am like that, it feels as if I am in a cocoon and I want out. I made up my mind a few months ago to have more butterfly moments than cocoon moments(I hope that makes sense). I have always wanted my own clothing line, so I started working on it...slow but surely. Sit back and think about other things you have wanted to do and do it. Put the things that are road blocks aside and get moving...Hopefully those road blocks will be used as ladders...good luck and i look forward to reading more of your post.
FoxC1
I have followed your posts
I have followed your posts and a few others here at Skirt dealing with infertility. I just hope so much for you! I understand your urge, your want, your defeat......and I know there's so much more I can't understand. But I so hope you do find the things and people in life that fill you and remind you of your purpose. I hope when you find it that it takes away this ache.
Motherhood is so rich and fulfilling. That's true. But there are soooo many other purposes in life that are equally rich and fulfilling. Please don't look at not giving birth or not adopting as if you're settling.
I know this may not help you or any other women dealing with this situation. But I hope you know there are so many of us mothers reading you and rooting for you. I know I am!
Close to Tears - Powerful Post
I agree with FoxC1. Consider each tear and road block a ladder for growth and new opportunities. Please know that you are not alone. So many women can relate to your story. Continue sharing it. You are an incredible writer! You will provide comfort in others as well as heal your own heart.
I agree with Chelsea
What a personal and beautiful post. Like my friend Becky, I don't have a matching experience. However, I do have experience in having children through disappointing experiences. My son was born so fast that I missed the details, but told myself it was okay because he was not my last child. Unfortunately a surgery made vaginal delivery too risky (sorry to use the word vaginal but I don't care for the word natural) so my second birth was via c-section which instantly took away the options to experience what I had missed the first time around. I think my husband wanted me to get over it, I mean, c'mon, it's only silly stuff like watching your child's head come into the world in a mirror, in the grand scheme of things, who cares? We care. It is important. Grieve for it. Come to terms with it. Then move on with that scar. (There are still nights when I fall to tears feeling like I've been cheated of a "real" birth experience.)
I know it's cliche, but there is something for you. I know it because you would not be given such a powerful voice if you were not supposed to use it. Maybe French Bulldog rescue will have its biggest advocate in you.
I send you much love and energy in healing.
Thanks ladies
Becky, I thank you for your supportive words. I am rooting for myself too. I have done a lot of work to even get this far.
Chelsea, I appreciate the compliment on my writing. Your encouragement means more than you know.
Renee, you know that before you commented on my voice, I didn't think I had really found my voice yet. I am sorry about the disappointments you faced. That would have made me sad too.
Honest and Appreciated
As you know, I've been going through similar struggles but on a smaller scale. Infertility is so incredibly cruel and unfair and I too have questioned my faith and existence as well because of it. It hurts and there's no justice. The only comfort we have is we need to keep moving forward and not let this define who we are as people or women. You clearly are smart, expressive, strong, thoughtful and kind. There is so much you can do and give with all those attributes. And at the risk of sounding cheesy, this can be an opportunity for other possibilities you've never imagined. My "back-up plan" is to spend all my 'trying to get pregnant' money on traveling and plastic surgery. I say this half joking... but even the joke makes me feel a bit better. Who knows what lies ahead. I don't have much faith in the world, but I do have faith in you. You'll find your way. -- Jay
Such a beautiful post! Grief
Such a beautiful post! Grief is such a painful process, and it made me feel hopeful to be able to read about the different ways that you're dealing with it. Dogs are wonderful, aren't they? And, she is beautiful:-)
I, like Becky, am also rooting for you:-)
Participate More