Understanding Men

I’m not sure if I’ll ever understand men. Sigh.

As I’m approaching my 36th birthday this year, it’s becoming more and more apparent that the one thing I’ve always wanted in my life - to get married - hasn’t happened yet. 

I’m the type of person who goes for something I want. I’m relentless. I do what it takes to achieve my goals. I’ve accomplished everything I’ve wanted to (so far) in my life except this one thing... marriage.

If I could achieve this goal by myself, trust me, I would have done it a long time ago. But, not having much control over this is very frustrating to a type A personality like me. It’s what I want, so why can’t I have it? Why has it been so hard for me to meet the right guy?

A month and a half ago, I started dating a really great guy. I was really excited about him. I saw potential that he could be the right guy for me - something I haven’t seen possibility for in a very long time. Years and years. I was excited.

In the past month and a half, I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster with him. I’m getting off now. I can’t handle any more.

He’s hot and cold. Happy and depressed. He’s crazy about me and then closed off emotionally. 

He’s been through a lot in his life in the past two years, yes. I understand and emphatize. Losing your job, finding a new job and having your responsibilities changed overnight (that don’t match your old responsiblities whatsoever), and having your lifetime possessions stolen from you has got to be hard to deal with. I get it.

But, does that give you a pass to treat someone in your life poorly? Doesn’t how you treat someone in your lowest times really demonstrate how you’ll treat them at any time? Wouldn’t having so many negative things in your life make you want to lean more towards one of the few positives - me? 

I hadn’t had sex in four years. I’m not someone who will sleep with just anyone. New Year’s weekend was magical. We slept together and spend 48 straight hours together. It was wonderful. We were both floating in the clouds.

Last weekend, we took an impromptu trip to Vancouver, British Columbia. He ruined the weekend. He was grouchy and depressed. He checked out emotionally. He barely talked to me.

We had sex on Saturday night and then he woke up on Sunday completely cold emotionally. Suffice it to say that Sunday was not a good day.

I’m heartbroken. I fell in love with this guy, unbelievably. The good times with him were amazing. Better than I’ve ever had with any other guy in my life. But, his moodiness was unbearable.

I told him I think he’s depressed and he needs to get help. It wasn’t well received.

He told me on Sunday, about 12 hours after last sleeping with me, that he’s not ready for this right now. He’s shattered emotionally and he can’t worry about anyone else right now. He can’t date. He doesn’t want to say we’re just friends yet, but he can’t give me what I want right now.

I tried to understand. I told him I would wait for him and give him time. I told him I’m here to help him get through these hard times.

Then, I’ve seen him on the online dating site (we met on) every night this week. How the hell can a guy say he’s not ready to date, he can’t deal with someone else’s emotions, he doesn’t want to worry about someone else, he needs to focus on getting himself to a better place, etc. and then be perusing match.com? 

I don’t get it. I’m either really stupid for having trusted this guy or he’s completely played me. I can’t think of any other reason he would say one thing and do another.

What’s weird though is that he can’t let me go. I’ve completely backed off lately and it’s made him contact me more. He called me out of the blue last night because he wanted to hear my voice. He wanted to hear how I’m doing. He flirted with me. He called me cupcake (which he’s never done before). Do you call your friends cupcake?! He told me how cool he thinks I am. Blah, blah.

How on earth can you do this to someone you supposedly care about? How can you be so hot and cold? How can you tell me you’re going to fall in love with me and then two weeks later say you’re not ready to date? How is this possible?

Maybe he just wanted sex. He got it, so now he’s moving on. I don’t know though. If that’s the case, why is he still texting and calling me? Why can’t he let me go?

I went to see a counselor today. I’m a really strong person, but I’ve let this guy rock my whole world. I’ve become really emotionally unstable because of him. I’m sure my friends are sick of hearing me overanalyze every aspect of what he says and does. 

The counselor threw my own advice back in my face today. He said that you teach people how to treat you - something I’ve said for years. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Oh. My. God. He’s right!

I’ve taught this guy that it’s okay to treat me this way. That I’ll put up with it. That I’ll even wait for it! I’ve basically demonstrated that I want to be with him so badly that I’m willing to give up my own self respect and let him treat me so badly.

Not anymore. I’m calling him tomorrow to tell him I’m done. My heart breaks at the thought of not having this connection with someone anymore. With him. Not having him in my life. My heart breaks for the lost opportunity. But, I need to put myself first.

He can’t take out his frustrations and hard times on me. Someone who has done a lot for him. Paid for our Vancouver trip in full. Bought him groceries. Didn’t let him pay for things recently because he’s low on money. I’ve told him that I would go to the ends of the earth for him. And, I would have.

I guess it wasn’t enough. He doesn’t think I’m enough.

But, guess what? I know I am. I’m enough. My best friend tells me I’m beautiful and I deserve to have a guy pining away over me. Treating me like a queen. Making me feel like I’m the most important person in his world. Isn’t that what it’s supposed to be like at the beginning phases of a relationship at least?

The only thing I’ve had with him is ups and downs. An emotional roller coaster. And, I’m done. 

I am enough. I am enough.