A Broken Heart

My heart hurts tonight. 

See, I've been thinking of getting a dog for a few years. I've been doing a lot of research lately and realized that I want to get a puppy. I had no plans of when I'd get a dog, but I decided that I was ready to be a puppy's mommy.

Like fate, I suppose, I drove by a Petsmart on Saturday and saw a sign that there were dogs available to be adopted from a rescue organization. I decided to stop and just look at the dogs. They had two kennels of puppies - brothers and sisters. I immediately fell in love with a little puppy named Joe. He was so sweet and so good. I have never seen such a good dog!

I asked a million questions and held him. We really connected. When I was filling out the adoption paperwork, he kept looking at me even though there were lots of people around. Everyone kept saying that he's totally my dog... we just had a bond right away. So, I adopted him.

I decided to keep his name Joey because he actually knows it at 10 weeks old. And, I like his name. I bought him a ton of stuff and took him home. I was so excited to get him home to show him where he'd be living. He explored every area of my place. 

I played with him and held him for hours. Mainly, he just wanted love. So, I did my best to give it to him.

When I went to bed, he cried for about ten minutes, but I did my best to ignore him. I've read that when you're training a dog, you have to teach them right away. Had I let him sleep with me, he would have always wanted to. If I taught him to sleep in the kennel, he would. He stopped crying after about ten minutes and fell asleep. I'm telling you... he is such a good dog.

Overnight, I couldn't sleep. My throat started swelling and I was sneezing a ton. I started getting stressed out and overwhelmed about having a puppy. I've never had a pet before and I wondering if I was the right person to raise this adorable little puppy. Mostly though, I realized that I was allergic to him. I felt miserable.

After a night of no sleep worrying about this beautiful little puppy, I realized that I couldn't keep him. I can't keep a dog I'm allergic to. I decided that he would be better off with another family that would have more time for him. 

So, I contacted the rescue organization and made plans to bring him back. They were wonderful and understood my situation. (I gave them a donation to thank them for everything.) They said that I should consider getting a dog with hair and not fur since I'm allergic to Joey. 

My heart is broken though. I feel like a piece of shit. Who adopts a puppy and gives him back the next day? I suppose I do. 

It broke my heart when he saw me carry the kennel out to my car and he started crying. I came back in my place and held him right away. He kept looking at me and where the kennel was and cried. I think he knew. I kept telling him I was so sorry and I would always love him. I told him I knew he would find a good home that would be better for him than I was.

I know I made the right decision, but it still hurts. Even typing this in my place now, my throat feels like it's closing. I think my allergies would have gotten worse the longer I kept him. I just couldn't.

Saying bye to him was hard. He kept licking my fingers and looking at me like he didn't know why I was leaving. In reality, I'm sure he's probably already forgotten about me by now. He's just a puppy. But, I know I'll never forget about him. He really touched my heart.

So, I feel miserable right now. I feel like a horrible person. I feel like shit.

I don't think I'm ready for a dog. I had a dog for two days and it broke my heart to give him back. I don't think I can emotionally handle this again. It's too hard.

I'm so sorry, Joey. I hope you find a good home. I will never forget you.