10 Years

March 9th is always a hard day for me. 

This year, it's especially hard. It seems that as soon as my clock rolled over to midnight, the tears started flowing almost instantly. Old wounds are wide open now, needing to be healed all over again until the next March 9th.

Today marks the 10th anniversary of my grandfather's death. The man who was like a father to me. The man who loved me unconditionally and always made sure I knew it. The man who called me "precious." The only person who has ever called me Meliss.

I can't believe he's been gone for 10 years. I know they say that time heals all wounds, but for me, it seems to get harder and harder the more time passes. Every year marks another period in my life that I didn't have him around. I didn't get to hear his laugh. See his passion for living. Feel his warm embrace, knowing I was in safe arms that truly loved me.

I was only 23 when he died. I'm going on 34 now. That's a huge piece of my life that he hasn't been part of.

When he died, I was really struggling in my life to get by. Keep a roof over my head. I had just bought a new car, which was a major upgrade from my previous one. It was a bare bones model (meaning no power windows, no CD player, etc.) Ford Focus and I was damn proud of it.

When I saw him in the hospital before he died, he told me he was going to get out of there so he could see it for himself. He was so proud of me. Always.

He always made me feel like I could accomplish anything in my life. He believed in me - unconditionally - like no other person has. Even me. 

I think his heart would be broken by all of the things that have happened in the world since he died. He worked for the government, and I think September 11th would have been especially hard for him. I don't think he would know what to make of the world now with so much more heartache, loss, hate, war, and self-absorption. I know it would hurt him.

I miss having his voice of reason to help me through the big life decisions I need to make. I wonder what he would think of me now and the path I've taken since he died. I wonder what he would think about what I'm thinking about doing with my life. The big decision that lies ahead. I wonder if I still make him proud.

God, I hope so. Because it would break my heart otherwise.

I love you so much, Pop Pop. And, I miss you every day - but, especially today.