Back on top.

When I attended the creative conference put on by skirt! Magazine a few weeks ago, besides gushing over speakers Emily Giffin, Claire Cook, and inspirational, dynamic attendees surrounding me…I also met an author by the name of Ginger.

She is the very first person I had an actual (albeit brief) conversation with on the first day, besides the breakfast buffet attendant. I was shoveling food in my face while waiting for the day to get started when she walked by, making sure that everyone was aware where breakout sessions were located. Ginger paused, looked at me, then said with a smile, “You have beautiful eyes…I bet you hear that from a lot of people, huh?”

I noticed her shuffling around the next two days, looking important, and made the assumption she was somehow affiliated with the organization. Ironically, she was also the very last person I had verbal dialogue with before leaving the posh W hotel that hosted the writers’ extravaganza.

While waiting in line to purchase Ms. Claire’s latest book, Best Staged Plans, in order to get her autograph and support a fellow wordsmith – Ginger was the person manning the table once it was my turn to check-out.

“So what do you write?” she asked, and genuinely seemed interested in my response.

“I blog, mostly about dating.”

“I write about dating too!” She proceeded to tell me about the book she penned, titled, Back on Top – Fearless Dating After Divorce [yes that is a double entendre reference to her preferred sexual stance and metaphorical position in getting back out in the courting game]. “Maybe we can collaborate sometime,” as she handed me her business card; we vowed to stay in touch and that we did.

As a devout believer in the universe bringing people and circumstances in alignment in order to push us to our greater purpose, I am already convinced it was written for me to meet her.

Fifteen email exchanges were followed by a 2 hour phone call that ultimately killed her cell phone battery; and I could have kept talking.

I learned about her history in dating, marriage, the end of her marriage, how she serendipitously got published, her career as a corporate writer, and her upbeat, witty and wise personality.

A few days later she shipped me a (signed) copy of her book, and I cracked it open on Sunday in my favorite corner coffee shop. I’m obviously not reading it for literal advice as I’m not new in the dating market or a recovering divorcee. Moreover I want to learn her style of writing, and certainly gain perspective from her 20 additional years of life experience on this earth.

I was only a few paragraphs in and found myself literally laughing out loud on several occasions. But there was one particular paragraph that nearly caused me to spit out my hazelnut flavored café all over the pretty pink softback cover, and not because of humor.

But it is my post-divorce dating that gives me my true dating cred. Because it took being married to cure me of the near-desperate desire to be married that consumed most of my twenties.

Damn. She is totally right.

Now in retrospect I honestly have never, ever wanted the wedding production. Instead I wanted the vows and the commitment from a man who I dated for most of my twenties. I’ve known countless ladies throughout my life who were near obsessed with the party planning, securing a big poufy princess dress, and gloating in the endless attention for 8-12 months of engagement – but I never underwent that crazy Bridezilla syndrome, at all in fact.

However, I admit that when I hit the 7-year mark with Mr. Big, I needed a timeline…to know there would be a pot of platinum at the end of the diamond-encrusted rainbow. Although I didn’t get a promise or reassurance that we would take that step before having a full head of grey hair, and it inevitably was the demise of our relationship [well, that break-up anyway], I can confess that I stayed longer than I “should have” because I had invested so much time up until that point. And, well, I loved him beyond reason.

Because my life seems to unfold in the form of themes, this leads me to the next unsettling piece of literature that also managed to make its way into my hands recently. I was at the gym, zoning out on the treadmill, trying to distract myself by reading Marie Claire’s May issue when this headline caught me off guard, Did You Marry the Wrong Guy?

The byline cuts right to the chase: “Thirty percent of now-divorced women say they knew it was wrong from the start.” Interviews and quotes go on to explain how many, many brides knew as they were literally walking down the aisle that they shouldn’t have been, yet, they did so anyway. These smart, savvy, sexy ladies knew the guy wasn’t The One.

So here’s the thing.

I am sure there are about 75% skeptics (and that might be underestimating) who don’t think my manfriend and I will make it. That’s fine; I am not bothered by that, nor blame that justified opinion solely based on our past.

But I know without a shadow of a doubt that some people in particular wonder if I’ll a) change my mind along the way (pre or post ceremony), b) will only marry him because of the sheer quantity of years that have been devoted to the relationship, or c) wonder if I’m settling; that I could find someone with a clean slate, start fresh, and not have baggage.

There is one thing I know for sure that the last decade has taught me – and that is: intuition is a phenomenal asset, perhaps even the greatest tool we’re given…if we listen to it. I’ve thankfully learned to tune in and trust it.

And so as I continue down the path with my Mr. Big, in pursuit of discovering if in fact we are going through with planning for a lifetime together – the process will be treated thoughtfully, thoroughly, with the highest regard and dignity.

My 20-something self may have very well proceeded to the church altar with my eyes on the prize, despite questions or anxiety if he’ll ever treat me the way I want to be treated. But my 30-something self will proceed with caution, remembering that it will be forever, not until times get tough (because they will inevitably get tougher).

That is what this last year has been about. Finding the courage to give our love a chance, discover if honesty and trust can persevere, while having meaningful conversations about our future, dreams and goals.

I certainly hope that it will be written for our ending to include us standing together. And I’m confident that if I do someday make it to the end of an aisle with him by my side, it will be an authentic decision.

And while I do want to become a published author myself someday too, hopefully I will digest lessons and learnings from wise women such as Ginger, and not ultimately document my journey of divorce. This is my time, right here and now, to live consciously and fearlessly -- back on top.