My Not So Fabulous Face

My (Not-So) Fabulous Face

Hello to all my fellow skirts!  Hope the New Year is a prosperous one so far.  Somehow, the holidays always send me into a tailwind of mixed emotions; a dangerous combination of elation and depression, confusion and guilt.  Considering my inner turmoil, it’s no wonder it’s been months since my last blog!  It’s so easy (for me at least, as a parent) to compare myself to others.  To judge my success as a mother by my parents, my friends, and those peers who are doing “better.”   Is this a natural tendency?  It feels natural to me; but then, I was taught to criticize, even loathe myself.  Of course, we all have our struggles, but it seems like everyone around me is happier than I am.  But the real question is what the hell am I going to do about it?

For the past two years, I’ve lost my identity as “Micha” to “Mommy.”  And I love it; I wouldn’t dare complain or trade my new role for anything in the world.  If anything, my daughter has been a constant source of love and pride that gets me through my darkest days.  But how do you reconcile the two?  I want to be wholly me so I can be wholly Mommy.  It’s true what they say; you can’t love someone else unless you love yourself first.  Gone are my more glamorous and exciting times, my nomadic days of travelling for roles, working hard at my career and playing even harder.  Now, I count myself lucky if we go to the park, I get a shower or even out of my pajamas.  Not so long ago, I wouldn’t dare leave the house without a full face of makeup, my hair done, and impeccably dressed.  Today, my personal routine is relegated to what I can get done during nap time or an episode of Barney.   I still desire to be desired though.  I want my husband to see me for what I am under the weight of responsibility and necessity.  And most days, it’s just unnecessary to dress to the nines.  I’ve perfected my 5-minute face and it’s nearly the only face I know.  On the days I’m on a film shoot or getting a bride ready for her big day, I long to trade places with her.  A few years ago, that person was me!

So, what now?  How do I recover just a fraction of the person I used to be?  I’m not sure I can; I’m forever changed.  But surely there must be some happy medium between the two.  First on the makeover list is my spirit.  I’m spending more time on me.  Writing and reading, trying to find my own inner peace…it’s a long process.  And I’m stealing moments in the day for myself.  Whereas my pre-mommy life was all about me, now those minutes are precious.  Nap times are still my refuge, my time to work on which task I’ve deemed necessary for the day.  Today, I’m sharing my insights (and maybe dolling up before my husband gets home:)   And I’m looking for my fellow comrades in motherhood, because there’s no reason for us to go it alone.  We all need a safety net of those trusted few who knew us before our sons and daughters, those who can remind us of who we used to be.  Not to wax sadly on our lost glory days, but to laugh at how far we’ve come, who we’ve become, and our purpose for the future.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I hear someone calling for mommy.  And I’m glad to answer!

Until next time, be beautiful inside and out!

-Micha