To Skirt or Not to Skirt, That is My Question

Everywhere I turn, swimsuits are staring at me right in my pudgy little face. The first thing I am reminded of each time I go into Target these days is “hey look fatso…you’ll never get into these itsy bitsy, teenie weenie, ANY kind of bikini!” On the cover of any magazine, it’s “Get swimsuit ready” this and “Get down to bikini size” that. It really is enough to make one want gag on all the winter food she’s been stuffing herself with for the past six months.
 

So true to my womanly nature, at the first warm tingling of spring on my skin, I went on a diet determined to get, maybe not bikini ready, but just swimsuit of any coverage ready. Fast forward to my last trip to TJ Maxx (the best store in the world by the way) and as much as I try, I cannot get out of the store without at least glancing to see what my options are going to be for this summer. They aren’t good.
 

First there’s an entire row of swimsuits that only a tiny teenager who is old enough to be so scantily clad should be wearing. Well, aren’t those fun to look at!? But really, it’s not so bad, they are like fantasy anyway. Then of course you’re struck by the next aisle because there’s so much fabric there, you think your back with t-shirts and blouses. But, you chuckle a little when you realize that you’re amidst swimsuits that are for grandmas.
 

I kept looking around thinking, where are the swimsuits for people like me? You know, the 35 year old, mother of two, needs to lose about 15 (okay maybe 20) pounds to look semi-decent in such little clothing, type. I walk to the next aisle and I think I’m in the active wear section, because everywhere I look, there are swimsuits that look like my tennis clothes! Turn another aisle and there are more and more of them. Swimsuits with ICK…SKIRTS! EVERYWHERE!
 

It seems as though I have three choices. Choice 1: Look like a fool in said itsy bitsy bikini chasing my son around the pool. Well, that’s not happening. Choice 2: Look like my mom or grandma in one of those practically full body suits? Surely not! And do you mean to tell me my last choice is a swimsuit with a skirt?! Are you telling me I’m supposed to get in the water and attempt to swim with all of that wet fabric floating up around the surface?
 

Oh and never mind that I distinctly remember my husband telling me way before kids that I was never allowed to wear a swimsuit with a skirt! Okay, so maybe I’ll run a few more million miles on the treadmill over the next month. But something tells me that those lovely bumpy areas underneath my bum will still not look quite so lovely as I would like them to, even if I lost 30 more pounds! So I’m down to two choices, wear the skirt and look like I’m one of those women trying to hide something underneath, or don’t wear the skirt and walk around wishing I had something to cover up said bumpy bum. Hmmmmm.
 

So I am stuck in swimsuit limbo (or hell as most of us probably refer to it)! There’s nothing out there left for me. I’m too old for the little ones, too small for the big ones and am not ready to face the middle aged, mommy swimsuits. Maybe I can convince my kids that all the pools in our area are closed for E-coli poisoning for the entire summer. But something tells me I’ll be faced with the same question next year. To skirt, or not to skirt, that is my question.