Learning NOT to Love Money

 I arrogantly never thought I cared much about money... I'd much rather pay my own tab than have some random bar guy foot the bill, and my lingerie drawer is overflowing with pairs of free black cotton undies from Victoria's Secret, because I do NOT miss an opportunity to cash in those coupons!

Never did I think I'd be a slave to it, but that was before I saw what money can represent. For three years, I stowed away hundreds out of every paycheck... and not because I was saving for a car, a great trip or a Birkin bag. I was in love, and I was going to marry a guy with no money. My savings were going to be our first house payment, and I had no problem giving him any, any time he needed it. The cash was something sacred and set aside, but it was also something I never touched... something ENTIRELY removed from my day-to-day life. For the most part, I didn't even think about it.

Then, to provide a HIGHLY abridged version... things got ugly. In late December last year, I loaned him a large sum. In late January, I lost my job, and in early February, he broke up with me. Suddenly that money seemed a lot more noteworthy.

For a while, I really felt hopeless. My "life" was gone... the guy, the career, and the future I planned to build upon them. The nest egg began to feel like the one thing I had to hold on to... the only thing I hadn't messed up, that wasn't going to disappear on me. I never meant to become miserly, it just happened. Tithing got harder, and so did other tiny pay-outs. It actually hurt my gut to think of giving to my favorite charity when I had, in my mind, "so little." I was holding my money tighter because it had come to represent stability.

After lots of though, prayer and healing, I started back to school. I still wasn't aware of how much I was loving my money until I paid my tuition. The first bill was ridiculously close to the amount I loaned my ex, (which still hasn't been re-paid). I felt so angry, with him, with the "situation," and with my own foolishness for doling out my dough. It boiled inside of me for days. I hate carrying that kind of feeling around, and that with the Holy Spirit is what finally broke me. I saw what my money had come to mean to me, and I realized that letting go of my obsession with it was the only way I'd feel free inside. (It wasn't easy... but clinging to that false idol of security is no way to live life either.)

His debt is forgiven... not because of my goodness, (because let's be honest: I'm no good,) but because of my weekly reminder in mass. ("And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors...") I don't expect to ever get the money back, and if by some chance I do, it'll go to some people who need it much more than I ever did. Having money is a blessing... but it's also a HUGE responsibility I don't really wish on anyone. I am blessed so I may be a blessing, but it seems the more I have, the harder it is to give away. It's difficult not to fall in love money and all that it can do for me... and it's even harder to look past that and see what it can do for others when I am free from it's power. (Did you know the Bible talks more about caring for the needy than it does about heaven and hell COMBINED???)

The Lord works in mysterious ways, and it amazes me when He reveals the things He's been working for years under my oblivious nose... I would never have saved money if it hadn't been for that relationship and the life I was planning, and I'd be fighting tooth and nail to get a student loan in this economy. I am so thankful for His watchful care, and for this lesson He has taught me.

***People often misunderstand what the Bible says about our hard-earned cash. Nowhere in scripture does it ever say money is "evil." (It's the loving it that gets you!)